Really? Yes. Really. I miss working so much. I loved getting dressed up for work, feeling a sense of purpose every day, knowing I was supporting my family. I miss my co-workers and I miss my customers. When the reality set in, that I wouldn’t be going back to work anytime soon, I was in denial. I had a hard time just driving by my old job, which is on the main street where I live. Seeing people from work depressed me, even seeing them on Facebook. I had to remove their posts from my news feed just so I wouldn’t get depressed. The guy who cleans the bank where I used to work lives the next block over and drives by my house several times a day. Every time he drove by, I was reminded of what I used to do and what I would never have again.
My brain has had a much easier time of admitting how much I miss working. I have dreams that feel like they are real about work all the time. My most recent one was pretty hilarious. I was at my old desk at work and one of the loan officers needed me to close a loan for them. We were lending money to Kanye West. I am giggling as I type this. Never, in a million years, will Kanye West ever walk into our little town, let alone, the little Ag bank that I used to work at. Seriously, brain? Kanye? I did meet him and start to close the loan. He was very polite in my dream. Maybe that’s what woke me up.
That I can even talk about my little work issue is amazing. I feel like I’ve grown so much in the past year. I even looked at some former co-workers Facebook pages with only a little bit of melancholy. I miss them so much. I’m so glad for the time Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has given me with my kids. I used to wish I could stay home with them, but knew it would never happen because I HAD to work. Funny how life kind of gives you what you need most. I fought it, I over-thought it and I hated it. It’s time to accept it and move on.