My favorite quote from my Mom is “Every party has a pooper, that’s why we invited you”. I always say it to my kids when they are pouting about something but this last week, I’ve been the party-pooper. It started on Friday, when I lost my key-ring with my house key and post office box key. I always check the mail on my way to pick up the kids from school. I swore I put the key-ring back in my purse, but I couldn’t find it. I assumed I had dropped it on the street while my little almost-three-year-old angel was poking me with a stick when I was putting her in her car seat but it wasn’t anywhere and hadn’t been turned in anywhere. After hanging with my kids at the library where the little angel ran through the library for the entire half hour we were there and then hanging at the only park in town with the local wild life, I had had enough! I was exhausted (as I am every afternoon) and I was cranky and I hurt. I took the kids home, cut a screen and shoved my eight-year-old through the window. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I snapped. I was a damsel in distress with no prince charming in sight (or that’s what I told myself anyway).
My party-pooper weekend continued at my Mom’s Miche purse party. I sat all propped up on the couch, with my feet in everybody’s face and pouted. The poor sales rep and my Sister’s friend tried to make conversation with me, but I couldn’t even do that. I was so tired from the hour-and-a-half drive that it was all I could do not to close my eyes and fall asleep. I love purses, so why did I feel like I wanted to cry? I won a prize and I couldn’t even get excited about that. After about an hour, I ended up in the spare room watching HGTV and then movies with my kids. That part was great. It wasn’t until we were on our way home and I was talking to my hubby that it really hit me. The sales rep had mentioned that Northern Colorado reminded her of Germany with the way the country is so open with little towns in between all the space. I just kind of nodded at her and didn’t even offer up that I had been to Germany. When I told my husband this, he nodded and said “you have no rapid reaction”. I can’t even make conversation anymore because my reaction time to every thing is so slow. The one good thing, was my sweet Mom bought me a purse (which is very cute and stylish and I love it) and as I was cleaning out my old purse, I realized that the pocket with my keys in it was completely empty! When I jiggled it I could hear keys though. I had a hole in my purse pocket and that is where my keys had gone! All that drama thanks to a hole in my purse pocket.
It is 1:30 in the afternoon on Sunday of my party-pooper weekend and I’m sitting here, fatigued and in pain. I’m also nauseated and having cramping because my lovely monthly-visitor stopped by. I need a hug, but not to hard, because that’ll hurt too. I’ve started doing a pilates DVD called “Pilates for Inflexible People” which I really like but I’m pretty sure that the 25-minute session I did on Friday was too much so I think I’ll skip today’s session. I have laundry to do and I feel guilty because the rest of my family is outside working on our yard and I’m supposed to be cleaning house, but I’m still sitting here because my legs feel like they want to cede from my body. I need a new body please? My spasms have been slowly getting worse. I did dream last night though and I can’t remember the last time I’ve done that. Am I rambling again? Oh! Before I go, I have acupuncture on Tuesday and I’ll let you know how that goes.
Our three three-week-old American Eskimo puppies
Do to unforeseen scheduling conflicts, I had to drive myself to my appointment with my pain specialist today. This is a ginormous deal for me. The trip takes about 45 minutes and includes driving on the interstate. This is the farthest I’ve driven and the first time I’ve driven on the interstate in over a year. I kept telling myself out loud, “you can do this” over and over when I felt myself tensing up or hyperventilating. At the top of my lungs, I sang along to “Jack and Diane” by John Mellencamp, “Dream On” by Aerosmith, “Hella Good” by No Doubt and a couple other songs that I cannot, for the life of me, remember. Despite the mini-concert, I arrived safely and a half an hour early for my appointment. This was a good thing, as they do a UA (urine analysis) at every appointment. Unfortunately, even though they got me right back for the UA, I forgot to tell my doctor’s front desk that I was done peeing in the cup and didn’t remember until a half an hour past my appointment time. Do they not realize they are dealing with a fibronaut? They’re lucky I remembered what I was supposed to do with that little plastic cup after I read the directions that are taped on the wall next to the toilet! By the time I was finally called in to see the doctor I was exhausted and not looking forward to the drive home. The pain in my shoulder was screaming at me that it was time for my muscle relaxer but I knew if I took it then, I’d be too tired for the drive home. While my “driver” did arrive to “help” with my nearly-three-year-old, she cries every time he tells her anything, she won’t let him take her to the bathroom and she won’t stay in the waiting room with him. I still had to drive us home, but at least (since when is atleast not a word Google Chrome?) there was someone following who could honk wildly if I drifted or swerved or something. My nearly-three-year-old also got an impromptu lesson in peeing in a cup when she refused to stay in the waiting room with my “helper”. That wasn’t an awkward experience at all (did the sarcasm come through?). I realized on the way home that I didn’t have to take the interstate that morning after all. With the stress of the trip to the doctor and the actual doctor visit over, I found a route that avoided the interstate completely. Thanks to fibro-brain, I am unable to make last-minute decisions. Thanks to our finances, I don’t have GPS or a smart phone. Which means, if I don’t have time to get on my laptop before I leave and I have to drive on the fly, I take the first route that pops in my brain. We made it home again safely and after picking up my other two from school, saying I hurt really, really badly is an understatement. My pain specialist has allowed me to take 800 mgs of Ibuprofen three times a day if needed and I need it now. My fingers, wrists, elbows, shoulders, knees, feet, toes and hips are killing me and I want a nap. I’m under my heating blanket even though its’s 70 degrees outside. I’m ending this now because I can’t type anymore. Fibro Fighters Unite!
I can’t really say whether my pain is worse or not. Still having the big D, thanks either to withdrawals or antibiotics I’m on for a skin infection. Yesterday was rough. It was Easter and we invited some family over for an Easter egg hunt so that meant cleaning. I washed the girls dresses (all the orange frosting from the cake fight came out) and sorted laundry, although I never got around to starting another load. I swept and mopped the kitchen floor. As I’ve mentioned before, my friends bought me a MINT automatic floor cleaner, but I have to pre-sweep and pre-mop before using it because of how bad my kitchen floor gets. I’m not sure that my mommy dog Leia, who is in the kitchen with her three, two-week-old puppies, would appreciate it either. I also vacuumed my daughters room, around the litter box and my living room floor. I helped my hubby hide the Easter eggs and was the official photographer.
All that activity and the added stress of company and kids caused me to have a less than fun night. The trips up and down the stairs had my ankles, knees and hips aching and spasming (Google says thats not a word but I use it all the time so Google can suck it). The over-use of my right arm had painful spasms shooting from my shoulder up to my neck. At first I tried rubbing vaporizing rub on my shoulder and the surrounding area. That usually works, but that was when I was on pain medication. Realizing that, I tried a couple ibuprofen. Nothing. Massage, heat, ice and repeat. Nothing. F-bombing did not help either. The day before may have added to the pain. We went to my daughter’s volleyball game and then to Denver for my Step-Dad’s 80th birthday party. I was nauseated from the pain and fatigue about half-way through. I am just now recalling my Step-Sister’s very steep stairs and steep driveway with several taller-than-normal steps. That explains the knee and hip pain early on yesterday, before I even did anything.
Every day is a new day. Take it one day at a time. Kind of hard to do, when you have to think back on what you did the day before or the day before that to figure out why you are hurting so bad now. My left arm is beginning to ache now, going up into my neck, probably from typing this, so I’m going to go take my muscle relaxer just as soon as I post this. Then I guess I should shower and finally start that laundry from yesterday. Laters Baby (“Fifty Shades of Gray”).
It is a good thing I know myself and that I set my alarm for my suboxone, otherwise I might have missed my dose for the day. So far so, so, soooo good. I say that because even though I have pain and fatigue, I don’t have the added blahs from the narcotics. I probably over-did it yesterday and I fell asleep reading in a very awkward position but I’m hopeful that today will be a magnificent repeat of yesterday (minus the headache). I did have a conversation with an acquaintance who has been down the same road recently (hers was a different drug and an addiction however) and she warned me that it wouldn’t hit me until the third day. Which I think is today? I stopped taking the oxycontin and percoset on Tuesday and today is Friday so….wait. Is today day four? I’m so confused. Wednesday would be one day, Thursday would be two days and Friday makes three. So I’m heading into day four. Aren’t you glad I took you on that little trip with me to clear that up? Welcome to Fibro-fog!
I’ve been thinking (OH NO! Anything but that!) about exploring alternative medicine. Acupuncture mostly. I have a blogger friend who does this and loves it. I’d also like to get back into the pilates that I used to do on occasion. I used to have a video, but I think I sold all my workout videos in our last All-Around-Town garage sale. The acupuncture, sadly, depends on whether insurance covers it. I’ll have to get on my library’s website to find a pilates DVD. That is the plan anyway. And, yes. I did just make that up. It is in my blog, so it must be.
In other, TMI news, I made my hubby blush with what I wrote in my blog yesterday. “You put that in your blog! Where anyone in the world can read it!” When he put it that way, I guess it was a little forward of me. However, if I’m really going to write about living with fibro, it would be remiss of me to leave out such a huge part of this “experience”. My hubby and I used to have sex all the time. And I LOVED it. Who wouldn’t? We will have been married 12 years come June and were not virgins on our wedding night. That makes 14 years of having sex with the same person. I’ll admit we started out rather awkwardly (I love that word) being both virgins, but 14 years is a lot of time to practice and with a little communication and a lot of honesty we were both very much happily satisfied. Now, we are having to relearn everything and I really mean it when I say that you cannot teach an old horn-dog new tricks! Well, you can, but it takes a lot longer than it used to. I’ve always liked a little pain with my pleasure, but this is ridiculous. It honestly feels like he has sandpaper on his Oscar-Meyer. Because of the fibro, I had to remove the IUD I had. I tried the ring, but it irritated me to the point of pain during intercourse. We thought we’d just use condoms like in the olden days of our relationship, but those irritate me even more. Nobody wants to give me even more pills to take with the ones I’m already taking and although we’ve talked about my hubby going under the knife, he is still dragging his feet due to insurance deductible issues. The pull-out method will hopefully see us through this difficult time without a pregnancy. Yes. I do realize how stupid this is. I once gave a very painful and awkward (note to self: get a thesaurus) speech on birth control in high school. I know that there are other ways to have “fun” but I already have neck and jaw spasms not to mention my over-active gag reflex. I did put TMI ALERT in all caps. I’ve already won the Fibro-Fighter Award. Maybe I can win the TMI one too.
I’m kind of over my anger at my old neurologist. Not worth my time, frankly. I had a couple moments last night, where I felt panicky and almost kind of shaky, like I might hyper-ventilate. I don’t know how else to describe it. TMI alert! The diarrhea is an added bonus., not! Nothing really exciting to report, except that my pain isn’t any worse despite not having the “pain” medications that I was used to. Last night was more painful, but today I already loaded the dishwasher, started a load of laundry and went up and down the stairs a couple times (my laundry room is downstairs). Don’t get me wrong, I still have pain and fatigue, but I’m under my heating blanket with my heating pad on my knees and that is helping. One knee is starting to throb, so we’ll see. My new doc also gave me something called suboxycodone that is supposed to help me with the withdrawal symptoms, but you put it under your tongue, wait (forever) for it to dissolve, and although they’ve flavored it with orange, that doesn’t cover the awful taste.
I can honestly say that I haven’t started craving the narcotics, but it is in my brain that it might help my pain if I take them. I am not even going there though. I’ve been trying to distract myself with Facebook and Zynga.com. I’ll probably start reading the new J.R. Ward book that I got from the library even though it is huge and I’ll have to balance it with pillows because it’s too heavy to hold in my hands. I do have a Kindle but it was quicker to get it from the library in book form. Another TMI alert! I’m actually feeling horny! Hasn’t happened in way too long (read: forever to my husband). Am I rambling? Again? What was I talking about?
I had a very illuminating visit to my new doctor. He is a pain specialist and told me flat out that narcotics are a no-no when dealing with Fibromyalgia. Why, then, I wonder, did my neurologist put me on them in the first place when he was the one who was telling me I probably had Fibromyalgia all along? I would really like to call him up and give him a piece of my mind. The narcotics may have been making my pain worse and now I have to go through the process of getting off the narcotics completely when I may be habituated to them. I hoping this experience is not too painful. This new doctor was such a breath of fresh air. I really like his attitude, although he did the old poke and prod at all the good spots we fibromyalgic’s have so I feel pretty sore. I’ll let you know how the withdrawals go. They are putting me on something to help me deal with the withdrawals.
In my last post, I talked about the party I had and how much fun it was catching up with oldie but goodie friends. I actually felt human for a couple hours. I always get zits when I’m nervous about an upcoming event and I picked a couple on my forehead. I know this is really gross, but now they’re infected and I’m on antibiotics to clear up the infection, but in the meantime it hurts so bad. I took so long to go to the doctor because I thought it was just my Fibro making it hurt so bad. Making it so much better though, is my friend Becki, who is planning on running The Boulder Boulder and The Tough Mudder in my honor. I wish I lived closer so I could become better reacquainted with my old friends because they really are awesome people.
In family news, I just found out that a younger cousin of mine has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Sad to hear. My Dad wants to make it into some kind of government-food industry conspiracy theory, but I’m pretty sure my Mom has Fibromyalgia too. We’re off on a walk to the library as part of my new exercise plan called “walk somewhere every day”. Yes. I did just make that up.