It is 1:20 am on Thursday, May 24, 2012 and I am blogging because I can’t sleep. My tummy has butterflies and my legs are tense. I’ve had more pain than usual today because of the rain and more spasms because of all the excitement. My second-grader is now a third-grader and my fourth-grader is now a fifth-grader. I refuse to even talk about my almost-three-year-old going to preschool next year. On top of that, I have a very dear little girl on my mind, who is once again in the hospital. We leave tonight for Texas to visit my Mother-in-law and all my husbands siblings with their kids. I’m excited to see my nieces and nephews but also scared because this is our first visit to Texas since my diagnosis. Everyone here has adjusted to my disability (finally!) and I just don’t know what to expect or what will be expected of me. Uncertainty has always been one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. I still, before any event, big or small, imagine outcomes and while the most horrible imaginings come to me easily, positive outcomes are harder, almost impossible, to imagine for me. I’ve gained so much weight in the last year, which makes me feel insecure enough, without adding the breakouts on my face and chest from the heat and the extra stretch marks for the afore-mentioned weight gain. We’re supposed to go swimming, but the swim suit I bought at the beginning of the year, no longer fits. I wish I could feel more positive about all of this and thought I had my emotions under control, but I really am just a breakdown away from disaster. All it will take is one little thing to go wrong and I’ll be exposed for the irrational wreck that I am inside. Spoiler Alert or maybe just TMI but my monthly visitor has not visited yet and if things continue as they’ve been, she’ll show her face on our little vacay. I’m trying to let my hubby sleep in our bed because yesterday I woke to a closed bedroom door and my hubby on the couch because my snoring is so bad. What if I keep up everyone in my Mother-in-law’s house? Then we’ll all be emotional, irrational, cranky beasts! Look out Canyon, TX! The Gomez family is on the loose! Now that I seem to be going into the slap-happy, TMI corner of my brain, I better sign off before I divulge any more eye-searing secrets. Calgon! Take me away!