I am reblogging Chronic Pain Harms the Brain. by http://painfighter.wordpress.com. One of the main reasons I’m scared to go back to work at the same place. My brain is not the same and I know that I could not handle all the things I did before fibro.
Even though I had a ton of pain this morning I am now walking on clouds!!! Not just because I am listening to my dance music that I love so much or because listening to “Yoga Nidra” by James Jewell got me extra, pain-free sleep but because I weighed myself and even with clothes on I weighed 170lbs!!! Sorry for all the exclamation points but I am just so happy. Hopefully this lasts. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple weeks but my daughter told me two days ago that I looked like I was loosing weight and I realized yesterday that my tummy wasn’t quite so big so I decided to chance it and oh yeah, my face is thinner for a reason!!! I love you all!!! The changes I’ve made in the last month besides being gluten free include starting “Fibro Response”, a multivitamin that rocks and lowering my Lyrica to 300mg a day from 450mg and last but not least, I’ve been taking thyroid medication. I see Dr. Eckstein in Boulder, CO and he showed me a list of symptoms from low thyroid and I had almost every single one. Even though my blood tests showed normal, the symptoms matched. I am not a doctor and I can’t even begin to give medical advice but if you are not getting results from your current doctor, don’t give up hope! I still can’t get a thing done in the morning and tire too easily as well as experience pain, but there are ways of dealing. Don’t play the ostrich, be the lion. Tell your doctor what you expect and if they can’t be positive for you or offer you any kind of support besides a shrug of their shoulders, don’t take that! They work for us!
I’ll step off my soap-box now and say it again, I love you all!!! We can do it! If you are dragging your feet on meditation or deep breathing (yoga without the crazy western-style stretching), I beg of you to just try it. Yes, I did spend my morning on the couch, but I was concentrating on my breath not my pain.
PS: Google Chrome is trying to tell me that positivity is not a word. What’s up with that?
It is one o’clock in the afternoon, my blogging time. I am in ready position. Hands on the keyboard. Support under my elbows. Full of topics to blog about. Where do I start? I’ll mention the obvious. I’m already in pain and I’ve barely typed anything. It is time for me to eat lunch and take my medicine but I am going to ignore my alarm so I can get this out.
I was nominated by http://painfighter.wordpress.com for the “One Lovely Blog Award”. Thank you so much for nominating me and for reading and commenting and all the support. This blog and other bloggers are my support group, which every doctor I see and every book I read says it’s important for Fibro Fighters to have that.
I think that the rest of my post, in which I’m supposed to say seven things about myself, will be free-form and I’m sure I’ll say 7 things about me and that there is a good chance that half of those things will be TMI.
Just yesterday, I started writing in my journal again but am taking a different approach. I’ve decided to concentrate on the following:
- Make realistic goals and keep them.
- From now on, the couch is your last resort.
- Eat at the table for as long as you can.
- You have to want to get better, even if what is better is something different than what you used to be.
- There are no more excuses and no more wasted days.
I then made a separate list of my 5 realistic goals. These are things that bring me happiness and will help keep me centered. I will do these every day, whether I do anything else or not.
- You will shower every day.
- You will do dishes or laundry every day.
- You will write five positive things about yourself and your life every day.
- You will meditate or do yoga or practice some other relaxation technique every day.
- You will hug your kids and kiss your husband every day.
I then decided that I would reward myself with activities I enjoy for doing these basic things. My neighbor’s daughter has been living with fibromyalgia for 25 years. She told me not to focus on the pain. The only way I can do that is to focus on things that I can effect outside of my body. I’m not going to focus on the things that I can’t do but I am going to enjoy everything that I can. Instead of being afraid of my body, I’m going to be conscious of what my body is telling me and move on.
I’m waiting to hear from the disability company. I can’t do anything more to prove to them that I am unable to give the little time that I get during the day that is pain-free to a job. It is not that I don’t want to work, it is that I cannot. I am in constant energy-saver mode. If I do too much, I pay for it, either with pain or with fatigue.
I am done focusing on the pain and the fatigue. Yes I hurt. Yes I’m tired. But I’m alive. I’m a mother to three beautiful children and a wife to a very sexy, very supportive, uber-awesome husband. I have focused enough energy on looking back, wishing things were different and hurting for those things that I’ve lost.
Thunder is rumbling in the distance and maybe that’s why I have so many aches today but right now the sun is shining and I am looking ahead to lunch and then to picking my kids up from school and helping them with their homework. Peace out (imagine two fist-bumps to the chest and then a peace sign)!
Since the kids have started school we’ve all been going to sleep a little earlier. If we don’t, Emma never goes to sleep. When I picked her up from preschool yesterday she had been asleep for 2 1/2 hours and had only drank the juice in her lunch because between not eating much breakfast and then having to make a lot of trips to the bathroom, she was exhausted. Poor baby. It is once again almost one o’clock and I’m still in my pajamas. I didn’t even try to get up with the kids today and when I did get up I was so tired still that I fell back asleep again. I awoke to the doorbell ringing and someone knocking on the door but I was still so tired and still so panicked that I didn’t answer the door and I just realized that I have medication coming from Pfizer and another company. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m afraid of doing too much and not being able to pick up my kids in the afternoon but I feel like a loser for not getting anything done.
Feeling lost today. The kids are back in school and my littlest is in preschool. What should I be doing? Now that I only have to worry about me for three days of my week, I feel like I’m not sure where to start or what to do. I’m almost panicking because I’m realizing that it is almost one o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t done anything. In not wanting to do too much, since I need to be able to drive this afternoon to pick up the kids, I’ve ended up doing nothing! I’m freaking out about hearing people outside and wondering “What if someone rings my doorbell?” Seriously. This is what I’m freaking out about. I suddenly have all this time and I know that there are things I should be doing. What a waste of my time.
Still feel like I’m going to hyperventilate! I thought about not posting this, but since my blog is my support group it would probably help if someone (anyone?) could tell me I’m not losing my mind.
All the things I could’ve worked on today but didn’t:
Laundry-I have 4 loads to fold.
Dishes-my stove top is covered in pans because while my kids can load and un-load, me and the hubby are responsible for the heavy duty stuff.
Sewing a border on all my napkins I cut earlier this year but haven’t yet sewn the border so they unravel a little more every time I wash them. I also have about 10 things on my “Want to sew list” but every time I start one it isn’t 10 minutes before my back, hands or arms are killing me. I use a machine so how hard could it be.
Picking up all the crap that has been strewn from one end of my house to the other by my children.
Mopping the floor.
Walking the dog.
Going to walk in the warm pool.
Take a shower.
Do my “Yoga for Aches and Pains” DVD I got from the library.
These are all things that I would like to accomplish but every single one of them seems insurmountable because every time I start one, I either don’t have enough energy to finish or my pain is too great to finish.
I can do it! Even if I can’t do it, I need to just get up off my you-know-what and do it. I can do eet! Even if I don’t do that much, it is better than doing nothing.
Thanks for listening. I always feel better when I talk to you all. Maybe next time I’ll write about what is really bothering me.
- You call your child by the wrong name, but instead of you catching yourself and going through each child’s name until you hit the right one, you have no clue you’ve done anything wrong.
- You look at your foot. You realize if you don’t move your foot, the basket of laundry you’re about to drop is going to squish that foot. You drop the basket of laundry anyway, before your brain has moved your foot.
- You start to tell a joke. Even though it is the funniest thing you’ve heard in a long time, you forget either a large portion of the joke and have to go back or you forget the punchline. Either way, you remember ROFLMAO but you can’t remember why!
- You start to tell your significant other something very important. You’re hit with deja vu. You ask “Have I told you this before?” You’ve told them 5 times already.
- You start to tell a story. You’re hit with deja vu. See above.
- You can’t remember your birth date or some other piece of information you’ve known your whole life.
- You’re asked your child’s birth date and you have to go through each kid’s birth date until you get to the correct one.
- You’re sitting at the stoplight and suddenly can’t remember which is the gas and which is the brake.
- You can’t find your cell phone anywhere. You’ve looked everywhere for it! You tell the person you’re talking to on your cell phone about how you can’t find your….oh shit.
I would love to hear your “You might have Fibro-Fog if” moments.
Can I get a “Woot! Woot!”? The sweet and wonderful and extra-supportive blogger-extraordinaire Ginger Ray from http://dailylifewithfibromyalgia.com nominated me and I couldn’t be happier. While I was composing my sunshine post, I received another comment on my post and was so surprised and then ecstatic at being nominated a second time by http://walkingthroughpain.wordpress.com . I may hurt typing this, but at least it’s not just my arms, finger and wrists hurting, but my face as well from the ear-to-ear smile I’m sporting. If I could happy dance without fear of breaking something, I would be. Thank you to my 23 followers (imagine beauty-queen wave)! I couldn’t do this without you!
Here are the rules:
1. If you are nominated, you must blog a post linking back to the person/blog that nominated you.
2. You must answer some questions, nominate ten fellow bloggers and link their blogs to the post!
3. You should comment on your nominees’ blogs to let them know you’ve nominated them.
1. Who is your favorite philosopher?
Um. This requires too much thinking and Googling. Clearly I don’t have one.
2. What is your favorite number?
Seven. I picked it when I was little because my best friend told me it was God’s favorite number and it’s stuck.
3. What is your favorite animal?
Birds. My kitchen is full of them and their houses. They would be all over my house if my husband allowed it.
4. What are your Facebook and Twitter URLs?
5. What is your favorite time of the day?
Pre-fibromyalgia, morning was my favorite time. I was up with the birdies and loved having my coffee, listening to the radio and trying to converse with my non-morning-person hubby. Post-fibromyalgia is any time when my kids aren’t fighting and I’m not hurting or so out of it that I miss most of the day.
6. What was your favorite vacation?
My favorite vacation was a trip to Las Vegas. My hubby surprised me with the trip for our sixth wedding anniversary. We went to two Cirque du Soleil shows and stayed at Mandalay Bay.
7. What is your favorite physical activity?
Sex. I know. TMI! But seriously, even though fibromyalgia has completely changed this aspect of my life the most drastically, I still enjoy it. How’s that for a little sunshine in your day! LOL!
8. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?
9. What is your favorite flower?
Daisy’s. Any kind and any color.
10. What is your passion?
My family. I know what you’re thinking. After question number 7 you thought it was going to be exercising.
In no particular order, the Nominee’s for The Sunshine Award are…
I started this post before my doctor appointment on Tuesday. It is now Friday and I finally have enough energy and enough of a break in my arm pain to post this.
I have a doctor appointment today and I can’t begin to describe the tension I’m feeling because of it. I wouldn’t be so worried except that my qualification for disability depends on what the doctor tells my disability company. I think my life would be so much easier if I didn’t have this worry and stress. We wouldn’t have as much money coming in each month and would probably end up filing for bankruptcy. I hate being in limbo.
My new doctor charges $50 just to fill out the form. If I need him to fill out this form for my disability company every month for the next eight months, I’ll have to pay him a total of $400. After that, I would be considered disabled and I don’t think I’d have to prove any thing any more. I’ve only typed the beginning paragraph and this paragraph and I’m starting to cramp. I can’t even hold my arms up long enough to type this! I talked to the appeals department and told her that if I went back to work I’d either never get hired or I’d get fired in a week. I don’t even think I could make it through a whole day. I have trouble just maintaining energy for a couple hours when I do something with my family.
The new plan for my health is to go to Naproxen for pain relief because my pain in my body seems arthritic even though the tests don’t show anything. Then I start on adrenal support which will hopefully help my fatigue. Lastly, I’ll start thyroid medication. The doctor showed me a list of the symptoms for low thyroid and I have almost every one. I’m hoping this works. He explained that some doctors are too married to blood tests.
Too much pain and spasms to continue. Hope everyone has a wonderful day.
Hugs shared with love, smelling of cookies and offered with arms softer than silk, hurt.
Cuddling on the couch, watching movies or reading books, happens less and less.
Every touch has the potential to cause pain.
Knobby knees and pointy elbows, need I say more?
Screaching, squealing, screaming, oh my!
Laundry and dishes, breakfast, snack, lunch, snack and dinner, over and over and over again.
After a half hour of cleaning, at the slowest pace possible, the job is incomplete and your energy is depleted, you hobble/walk to the couch only to hear “Mommy! I’m hungry!”. Up you jump/stumble to the kitchen. You hobble/walk back to the couch only to hear “Mom! So-and-so did this-and-that to me-or-us!”. Get the idea?
Disciplinary threats are ignored because those little stinkers can tell if I’m feeling too poorly to follow-up and they know for a fact that I can’t make it downstairs on my really bad days. It’s the “make me” attitude to the tenth power.
When I’m crying, even though I don’t want them to know I’m sad, they tell me “It’s okay Mommy”.
When I’m depressed and questioning my existence, they need me and I’m so happy I’m here and that someone needs me.
While they used to just throw themselves into me, they’ve learned not to jump on Mom and how to give soft hugs.
They help me with dishes and laundry. They pick up the living room, vacuum, sweep and mop.
I used to be the Mom who did it all. Worked 40 hours a week, did all the inside chores, took kids to school and practice.
Now I can barely do the Mom thing.
Let’s not talk about the wife thing. That is a whole other post!
Apparently, someone who works with my hubby saw me walking home from the library and told him that I looked like I could barely walk and like I was in so much pain. She would’ve stopped to offer me a ride but I was almost home. I wish she would’ve driving by 10 minutes earlier! I got in a kiddie pool with my little one last night and it was even warmer than the big pool but I still hurt while moving around and hurt even worse after. I’m not sure if that was from the exercise or from the cold front moving through. All I know is I was awakened at 6 am thanks to my pain. Ouch!