Fibronaut At Home

Wanted: Dining Assistant

on September 10, 2012

Help wanted!

No experience necessary.  If you are young, creative and muscular, then you are the one I am looking for!

Duties:

Crack crab

Cut steak

Pre-Chew beef-jerky and rice-krispy treats  (unless you have a better idea for how I can eat these without jaw and teeth pain the next day)

Assist me with any other dining related difficulties, including:

Taking my three-year-old to the restroom when she finishes eating and constantly asks to go, even when she just went.  Prepare for at least 10 trips to the restroom.

Wrangling my three-year-old when she gets bored and starts running around the table full-speed while squealing with glee, tripping unsuspecting waiters and annoying everyone in her vicinity.

Chewing for me when my jaw starts to hurt, usually about 5-10 minutes into the meal.

Cradling my head and humming to cover up my snores when I grow too exhausted to stay awake.  I would also appreciate a gentle reminder to close my mouth when I’m zoning out so I don’t drool.  Don’t waste your time snapping in my face, I zone out all the time.

Summer: Being a human blanket for me in the sub-zero air-conditioning (I am always under the vent for some reason).

Winter: Being a human blanket in case of seating in the draft from the door or poorly insulated windows in the winter.

Warning:  I do not mention pay because with the exception of pre-chewing and humming, my husband already does all of these things for me free-of-charge.

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5 responses to “Wanted: Dining Assistant

  1. painfighter says:

    Love it! I need a personal assistant with similar duties, but more centered on house cleaning than cooking. My husband is actually an awesome cook.

  2. csgomez79 says:

    I totally agree with that one too! Food is one of my favorite things and therefore one of the most frustrating things with this disease is when my jaw starts cramping or when my teeth hurt too bad to eat.

    • painfighter says:

      I agree. I have bad TMJ disorder too and most of my diet is pretty soft. Nothing harder to eat than Chex cereal. When my jaw gets really bad, I make a big batch of mashed sweet potatoes with plenty of butter, brown sugar and cinnamon in it. I live off that for my dinners and often lunches. If I’m too exhausted I beg my husband to do it for me. If he’s too busy or is working (he works nights, I work days), than I just bake them for 1.5 hours and dump my brown sugar on top then. I like sweet potatoes better than mashed potatoes. You can’t get any softer than this.

  3. Gospel Restoration says:

    Fun! I could use a personal assistant, too — there are a lot of tasks I could use assistance with having FMS.

  4. TTD says:

    Aren’t we lucky to have such wonderful husbands? 🙂 I don’t know what I’d do without mine.

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