Let me count the ways:
1. I spilled bbq sauce all over my stove. I noticed it wasn’t pouring the way I expected, but I have such slow reflexes that it made no difference.
2. I spilled refried bean juice down the front of my kitchen cabinet. (stirring + arm spasm = big mess)
3. I barely had enough energy to pick up my kids from school today, let alone the muscle control to drive. Spasms and cramping while you are driving is just a little distracting.
4. The muscle the runs from the bottom of your chin down your neck that gets the most stretch when you yawn, just cramped on me mid-yawn. PAIN!!!
5. My arms are killing me from typing this so even though I could probably come up with a few more, I’m stopping now.
Thanks for listening.
I’ve finally had some time to digest a situation that really hurt and left me feeling vulnerable. Without going into too much detail, I had someone treat me like crap. What was funny was I went into Thanksgiving with my new mantra, “What others think about me, is none of my business.” Nothing puts this to the test like being around family because they know us the best and can hurt us the worst. I tried talking to my Mom about it and my hubby and my niece, but what ended up helping me the most was to keep repeating my mantra every time I started to over-analyze the the situation or become overwhelmed by the pain this person caused. There is so much negativity that we invite in by letting people who should cherish us abuse us. I’ve always seen people post about cutting the negativity out of their life, but when it is family and you have to live with them, what do you do?
I’m listening to AWOLNATION, breathing deeply, letting the crappy, bad vibes go. La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la-oh, sail.
Tuesday: Just in time for the holidays and for my little girl’s ninth Birthday, I am having the flare from hell. It started with me going off my Lyrica, my three-year-old being sick and a friend passing away so I’m not sure which of these things are to blame or if it is the combination of the three. I’ve slowly stepped down from the Lyrica so it is not like I just went cold turkey. Thanks to my hubby and kids for keeping up on the dishes for me. I just tried to load the dishwasher and didn’t even get halfway done. I can barely raise my arms so hopefully a little rest will allow me to finish. Good thing the kids are off after today for Thanksgiving Break or else laundry would be piling up even higher than it is.
Wednesday: I am on day two of this post because my arms wouldn’t allow me to type anything further. My Katie helped me “finish” what I could of the dishes yesterday and today the kids helped me start laundry. I am so thankful that I got Katie’s birthday presents done when I did, before my arms went floppy and the pain doubled. After 9 days of being in a flare I am hoping that this one is almost done. I was going to do some meditation-sewing today but it is really hard to focus on anything else when I am this tired and when my house is in tornado-mode. My arms are done with typing. In case I don’t get to post again for Thanksgiving, I hope everyone has a wonderful day with their family and friends.
It has been 5 weeks since I’ve written anything. Consequently, the little hamster in my head feels like he’s cornered with no chance of escape. I’ve been fighting panic and anxiety. My disability appeal with the long-term disability company was denied. I haven’t been keeping my daily goal of writing in my journal or doing meditation or yoga every day but I have kept my goal of showering, washing dishes or laundry and hugging and kissing the kids and hubby and telling them “I love you.”
I have started seeing a therapist. She is awesome. This is my first foray into therapy so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but so far I am really liking her approach, which is holistic and I’m feeling positive that she can help me. My parents even commented on how much better my attitude seemed and that was after only one session. I was debating whether to write about this or not. Then I read a blog post by Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars and I felt like I needed to put this out there. I realized that whether people reading this would judge me was not important. Therapy is helping me. I’m not a bad person because I need it. I’m broken and I’ve been broken for a long time. Taking this step was huge for me.
Whacks, according to my therapist, are those automatic thoughts that pop in your head where you put yourself down or others put you down. So, here’s to whacking myself less and loving myself more.
Side Note: If you aren’t familiar with Roger Miller, he is the best.