Fibronaut At Home

I Am A Hot Mess

I’ve been avoiding writing in my journal like the plague.  Why?  Because if there is something I have to do that I feel most people don’t have to do, I act like a baby and suffer instead of just doing the damn thing that I know helps me.  I just don’t know why I sabotage myself.  I’ve always done this.  I feel like my happiness or anything good isn’t going to last, so why try?  I have the most wonderful husband in the world, but I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  My Dad decided he didn’t want his family or his wife anymore and even though my husband is nothing like my Dad, my mind still tells me that he’s going to do the same thing.  

I’ve been making like an ostrich again.  If I have a problem, ignore it until it goes away. Well problems just don’t work that way.  And not writing in my journal has just made my anxiety that much worse.  I’m breaking out, I’ve chewed my lips till they bleed and my thumbs are a wreck from me picking them.  I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow for a psychological evaluation and I am freaking out.  The lady that made the appointment assured me that he is very nice but I am still freaking out.  A million what if’s are running through my head, which is so stupid when I really have no idea what is going to happen.

I had the kids conferences today which took every bit of energy I didn’t have.

Just because I need to do something to be whole, doesn’t make me a failure, right?  But that is what my mind tells me.  I know I need to do yoga and write in my journal and eat better.  But knowing that I need to do it, makes me want to prove to myself that I don’t need to do it.  I can remember as a kid being jealous of my Mom and the other girls who could eat a piece of toast for breakfast and be good until lunch.  That was one of my goals.  How messed up is that?  I just wanted a normal metabolism where I could eat and feel full for more than one hour and eat as much as everyone else did at a sitting instead of having to eat a bunch of smaller meals.  Not one adult understood my eating habits and I was punished more times than I can count for not finishing my dinner and being hungry later.  Luckily, my hubby understands and only comments on my sweet tooth.

I am a hot mess.



If you read my last post, you may remember a crack about my family lacking opposable thumbs.  I can only assume that karma is the reason for my current situation.  My left thumb has hurt since the snow came in last week.  This morning I bent my right thumb back getting off the couch.  So painful.  I played volleyball in middle school and high school and was a setter in high school.  I always jammed my thumbs, at least once a practice.  Even when they were taped, I still jammed them.  So now, I try not to use them as leverage when getting up because they always give out but fibro fog made me forget and now both thumbs are in pain.  Now “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club is stuck in my head.


Be The Tortoise

Going slow and steady, you’ll get more things done than if you are zipping from task to task.  Seriously, who can zip at all anymore?  Fibro and CFS alone have made any kind of pep in my step more like a plop.  Working on laundry today it hit me how much I’ve had to adapt the way I get stuff done.  I thought I’d list some techniques that I use when doing housework.

  • When I’m doing laundry I read every label for the care instructions.  I skip the socks, towels and unmentionables.  Just taking the time to read all labels ensures that our clothes last longer and slows down the process enough that I don’t wear myself out.
  • Reading the labels also gives me a chance to find humor in the very boring and somewhat stinky task of sorting laundry.  I snort every time a label says “Wash separately” or “Hand-wash only”.  Yeah right!  It occurred to me today that almost every label tells you to wash with “like colors”.  I started reading that in a Valley Girl voice “like totally” and that made me laugh a little bit.
  • I take breaks.  Not long breaks, just maybe ten minutes to stretch or put my feet up in between baskets or trips up and down the stairs.  Once the laundry is all sorted, I get longer breaks in between loads.
  • I don’t sort hunched over and I don’t fold sitting down.  I make sure if I’m bending down for anything, to use my knees.  Folding sitting down puts so much strain on your back and shoulders.  My doctor didn’t get it either but I take breaks to rest my legs and stretch my arms and my back is so much happier for it.
  • Even if the family is digging through baskets of clothes that have yet to be folded, that is better than hearing “I have no underwear”, “I have no socks” and the dreaded “I have no pants”.
  • Do what you can and don’t dwell on what you can’t get done.
  • If your family is like mine?  Are they without opposable thumbs making scraping and rinsing their food dishes an impossibility?  At the end of the day, I’m too tired to wash dishes.  But, I can usually scrape the food and soak the dishes, making loading the dishwasher the next afternoon so much easier.
  • I do nothing in the morning.  I may make my three-year-old daughter’s lunch and help her get ready a little, but other than that my older kids have learned to step up to the plate.  It is so much easier to be a drill sergeant in the morning than to actually do the stuff myself.  My husband can usually tell if I’m comatose or not and he then directs the little elf’s in getting their sister ready.
  • I do nothing in the morning and I don’t feel bad about it.  It is just not my time of day anymore and probably never will be again.  Until my medicine and coffee kick in, it’s safest to avoid eye contact or any kind of contact for that matter.
  • Cleaning the bathroom.  Ugh.  I do this as little as possible.  I don’t have elbow grease anymore.  I slow this down by doing one task a day.  Anything more is too much.  The bathtub I let soak as long as possible in whatever cleaner I have.  I straighten the bathroom everyday, especially since all it takes is one bath and my daughters have toys, towels and dirty laundry spread so you can’t even see the floor.  Sometimes they clean that up.  I put brushes, hair gel, hair things, toys, dirty towels, dirty laundry and trash (we have a trashcan people!) away.  I rinse out the toothpaste encrusted sink and wipe off the back of the toilet.

Please don’t read these posts and assume that my house is clean.  I want to give you little tips to help make your life easier, not for you to feel overwhelmed or like you aren’t doing enough.  My ceiling fans have an inch of dust on them.  My kitchen curtains are turning grayish-brown they need to be washed so badly.  Every floor in my house needs to be vacuumed, mopped, swept or all three.  My windows have never been washed.  I didn’t do windows before Fibro/CFS either.  Tortoise on friends.


Go Away Winter

I did not realize how lucky I’ve been that we’ve had a mild winter.  The storm blowing in right now has my muscle spasming so painfully.  It is not a quick spasm either.  They last for three or four seconds and then I get a couple seconds break before they spasm again.  I’m getting a headache too.  It probably does not help that I was so foolish on Monday.  I thought I’d try driving to my doctor’s appointment over an hour away.  Even with relaxing at stoplights, deep breathing and making sure I relaxed in between, I couldn’t make the drive home and was so exhausted that I slept all the way home.  Yesterday my legs hurt but today my muscles along my hips and my muscles along my shins are spasming.

I am so tired of being a burden to everyone.  My hubby has to take of work to take me to appointments or my Mom takes me but then my hubby still has to drive me an hour and a half to her house, so that is three hours of him driving after he’s worked all day.  Then after my appointment my Mom drives me home and then drives herself home which amounts to almost four hours of driving for her.  I wanted to be able to drive myself to my appointment, but obviously that isn’t going to happen.

Just tried to do laundry but that is going to have to wait another day.  Just typing this is making my finger muscles and arm muscles cramp.  Hope the hubby can cook dinner.  If not, the eleven-year-old will be making us frozen pizzas again.

Quick note on my doctor’s appointment, my blood work showed inflammation so he upped my Naproxen and told me to up my Baclofen before bed to help me sleep better.  He’s concerned but wants to see if the Naproxen helps.

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One Year Blogaversary!

It’s been a crazy year.  Crazy highs.  Crazy lows.  Lots of jaw-dropping TMI and a few fat tears.  I’ve made lots of new friends, become re-acquainted with some old ones and most importantly, become re-acquainted with myself.  Besides starting my blog, I’ve also had some more memorable firsts.  Some were positive, like trying acupuncture, yoga, meditation, counseling, grounding and the hot amethyst crystal thingy my neighbor gave me.  Some were negative, like changing doctors, filing bankruptcy and becoming a disability insurance reject.  I’ve stuck with some of the positives, yoga and meditation.  The things I’ve seen as negatives have taught me more about the strength of myself and my family and really aren’t as negative as I thought they would be.

I have hobbies people!  I have a sewing machine, that I actually use!  I get all of my Mom’s material that I desire and have begun to feed a massive re-fashion habit.  I’ve always had reading but I’ve expanded my horizons this year by actually reading books that are *gasp* non-fiction.  I still read all my fun books, but it’s nice to have a little variety and be able to read my book in public without blushing.  I’ve been making a point to play some video games with my kids.  I just can’t play the fun dancing games I used to love anymore.  I love singing on Rock Band so I do that with my kiddos as much as they’ll let me.  My hubby plays Call of Duty Zombies and Halo 4 with all three of my kiddos and that keeps them happy.

I’ve made goals that I actually keep.  I hug and kiss and tell my family I love them every day.  I shower (almost) every day.  I do yoga or meditation every day.  I work on some housework every  day.  I write in my journal every day.  Some of these goals were harder than others.  Some of them I slack on from time to time.  The journal really kicks my butt some days.  I’ve learned to be more patient with me and the people around me.  Except in the morning.  I will never be patient in the morning.  The sooner the kids are out the door, the sooner I can take meds, eat breakfast and drink my coffee in peace and wait for those meds to kick in before I have to do anything, the better.

To my Mom and Mother-in-laws and anyone who ever changed my diaper as a child, you may want to stop reading here.

It wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t drop some major TMI.  My hubby and I have been having the most wonderful sex lately.  We will have been married 13 years, this June and I just want to shout it from the mountain top that we are happily, hornily married.  The worst and I mean THE WORST part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome was not being in the mood and even when we did manage for all the stars to align, the kids to be out cold, and the bedroom door locked, not being satisfied at the end.  No O.  Horrible.  Being able to enjoy sex again, priceless. I’d like to thank my very understanding, patient and tireless hubby.  I’d also like to thank all the lovely ladies at the library who don’t even blink an eye when checking me out every erotic novel in the library’s stacks.  I’d also like to thank the one guy who works at the library for finally refraining from commenting on every naughty cover of every naughty book I check out.

Okay Mom etc.  You can start reading again.

I really want to thank my family and friends for all the love and support you’ve thrown my way this year.  I love you all and can’t wait to share more laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, fears and of course, TMI with you.


Tips For Slowing Down and Still Getting Things Done

When I was first diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, pacing myself was one of the biggest challenges I faced.  I was used to running around from thing to thing, all day long.  I was like the Energizer Bunny on crack.  Fibro/CFS has a way of bringing you down a notch or two or ten and adjusting to that has taken me almost two years and I’m still learning my limits every day.  Today, I thought I’d share some of the strategies I’ve learned for getting things done without killing myself.

  • Give all your focus to what you’re working on.  Don’t focus on time or on other tasks.  Set an alarm for breaks and anything else you have to get done in between.
  • Listen to music while you work, it’ll make time go by faster.  Check in from time to time to make sure you’re staying on task and to pat yourself on the back for what you’ve done.
  • Break up tasks into small pieces and take breaks in between to stretch and drink some water or have a snack.
  • Ask for help if you need it.  If no one is there to help, get what you can done.  Don’t attempt things that you know will cause you too much pain.  I know I can’t lug baskets full of laundry so I let my kids and hubby do that for me.  Sometimes that means waiting until they’re out of school or the hubby is off work, but that just gives me time to work on something else.
  • Have daily goals.  Little things that make you smile and get you in the mood to start cleaning.  My little things are making the bed, opening the shades to let in the sunshine and picking up the bathroom.
  • If something is driving you absolutely bonkers, deal with it first.  The easiest way to get something off the hamster wheel in your head is to take care of it.
  • Don’t let yesterday’s triumphs or failures effect today.  If you got a lot accomplished yesterday, don’t put yourself down if you aren’t able to accomplish as much today.  If you didn’t accomplish much yesterday, don’t think about that today.
  • Be patient with yourself and wait for those moments when you are feeling well enough to do things.  Then, take advantage of those moments but don’t overdo it.
  • Be open to changes in your routine and if something is frustrating you, try to find a solution instead of continually hitting the same road blocks and beating yourself up about them.
  • Just because you don’t work outside the home, doesn’t mean you don’t contribute.  It also doesn’t mean you don’t deserve a day off.  Just don’t be a complete bum.  Go for a walk, still do your stretches, yoga or meditation.

I may be jinxing myself by posting this because every time I think I have everything figured out something comes along to knock me back down to square one but hopefully this post helps someone else.


Me and the Hubby

Me and the Hubby

June 24, 2013 will be lucky Anniversary number 13.

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Valentine’s Day

My hubby gave me my Valentine’s Day present early.  He had a book made with all my blog posts from 2012 with pictures and cute graphics.  The last page had our family photo and the following message:

To my dear beautiful wife,

I have been nothing but impressed by how you have handled your disability.  Your ability to express yourself (especially in your blog) is very admirable and inspirational.  I have no doubt that it not only has helped you this last year, but also many others.  I couldn’t be more proud of the wife, mother, and woman you have transformed into over the last year.  I love you with all my heart forever and ever.

Love, Cam

AWWWW!!!  How awesome is he?  How lucky am I?



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