It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and I can’t sleep. Here is a list of why:
- I over did it today popping tags at Goodwill and a couple other thrift stores. There was resting in between but it’s difficult to rest while riding in the car.
- The hamster in my brain won’t get off his wheel. Currently, the loop consists of the ridiculous amount of sewing projects in my brain, all the cool gardening ideas I saw on Pinterest earlier, the letter we got from my kid’s school warning us of the amount of tardies my kids have had and how three tardies equal one absence and they are required to attend a certain number of hours, all our medical bills, and whether Social Security is going to approve me for disability or not. I really need to get a new hamster in my brain because this one is keeps bringing up things that I’ll never have the energy for or that I can’t change. I would love to sew or garden all day but I don’t have the energy and those activities cause too much pain. I can’t drive in the morning so other than nagging my hubby to get up earlier, which I don’t have the energy for in he morning anyway, I just have to let my hubby that. I can’t do anything about the medical bills and Social Security so why am I wasting my time worrying about them?
- When I tried to go to sleep at one o’clock, the second time I’d laid down, the hubby wouldn’t leave me alone, which made me really angry, contributing to my inability to sleep. I try to give him what he needs, even when I’d much rather be sleeping. Maybe my next advertisement I do on the blog will be for a Sister Wife
- My three-year-old can’t sleep either because the lucky girl took two naps today.
There could be more but I’m typing on my daughter’s Kindle Fire and it keeps deleting random words and letters. I’m about ready to throw this thing.
Where do I start? I have dishes to do, the floor needs swept & mopped, the laundry hamper is full, my three year old made a masterpiece on her wall with lipstick and my Mother-in-law is coming for a visit on Saturday. My daughter has volleyball practice tonight and it’s my son’s poetry night at school. The weather is starting to get crappy again so I hurt and I’m exhausted.
I need to take a deep breath and prioritize. If I do too much I won’t have the energy to go to my son’s poetry night. I also may be in too much pain to go. Have I mentioned that his classroom is all the way in the back of the school? Also, the parking lot is a long walk from the front door and since I will have to go straight from my daughter’s practice a couple blocks away, I’ll have to drive and unless I have my eleven year old park the car, I have to walk the whole way. Plus, we’ll be arriving late and there are only thirty-ish spaces available so I’ll probably have to park on the street which is even farther away from the front door.
What was I doing again? Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Priorities! Concentrate!
Shower? Check. Blog break? Check. Dishes or laundry? Check (Don’t get excited. I just emptied the dishwasher and then had to rest.) Meditation or yoga? Does zoning out count? My numero uno priority today has to be my kids. It looks like I’ll be cleaning like a mofo tomorrow. HAHAHA! Just kidding. I can’t do that anymore. Sorry hubby. I’ll do what I can and you’ll have to pick up my slack.
My brain doesn’t work anymore. I say one thing but mean another. You know this. When you’re telling me something, please be as specific as possible. Don’t assume I know what you’re talking about or that I understand the words that are coming out of your mouth. I realize that it is very frustrating when I get that blank, confused look on my face. Imagine how it is for me. I can’t read between the lines. The connections that your brain makes automatically take my brain longer and end up in totally different places than yours. So please be patient. When you are explaining something to me, be kind. Don’t talk down to me and don’t use that tone of voice that says you think I’m an idiot. I hear enough negativity from the voices in my head.
Yesterday was the first day in the last couple weeks where we had nice weather. I was up and about earlier than normal, feeling better than I have in months. I think you know what’s coming. I’m so behind on everything because we’ve had a couple snow storms come through and storms always wipe me out. I started with dishes and loading the dishwasher. Then I washed pans. I swept the kitchen floor, moved the chairs out to the deck and ran the Mint a couple times so I wouldn’t have to mop. Last week someone spilled blueberries in the crisper drawer so I washed that too. I even emptied the dishwasher, which I usually save for the kids or for the next day. By the afternoon I could barely move my arms. I had to turn down the radio while driving so I could concentrate enough to stay on the road. I could barely hold the wheel and my legs were having trouble pressing the gas and brake pedals. Every single muscle hurt. My hubby is sick and I had to go to the store for him. I was in so much pain and walking so slow and I know the misery showed on my face. I’m sure the checker thought the medicine was for me. I took a hot bath and even that didn’t help. I had two heating pads rotating from my feet to my knees to my hips to my hands to my arms to my shoulders to my back.
Today I am no better. I hurt my thumb twisting the bag of bread this morning. I slept in but feel like I didn’t sleep at all. I’m stiff and I hurt. I have 4 hours before I have to pick up the kids but we need toilet paper and my hubby is still sick so that leaves me to go to the store. It might be time to train the 11-year-old on running into the store for me. I’ve only been awake two hours. Is it too early to take a nap?
Some days are just too much. Too much pain. Too much fatigue. So you push yourself because you can’t live with yourself if you just sit on your ass all day. Then you hurt worse than before and you’re so tired you can barely lift your arms. Your legs feel like they’re going to give out on you. Who wants to live like this? It’s not even living.
I slept last night. Yay me. I’m still tired today. Booooooo! It is 1 in the afternoon and the only things I’ve managed beyond eating, drinking and taking my meds is taking a shower and straightening the bed. Today is a beautiful day but the storm coming in tomorrow is already making me ache. I forced myself to shave so I could wear capri’s and a tank top but I’m not sure it was worth it. I figured I’d be okay because I wasn’t washing my hair today forgetting that I try not to shave in the shower because it is dangerous for me to balance and wield a sharp object at the same time. Yesterday I stabbed myself with a razor blade and I was sitting down. Last week I cut myself with a rotary cutter when I tried to use my finger as a stopping point. What was I talking about again? Hang on a sec while I scroll back up. Oh yeah. Now my arms are shaking from the effort to type this because simply grooming myself is too much for me today. Looks like I’m conserving the energy I don’t have today for picking the kids up from school.
It’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m still awake. Exhausted and tired of listening to everyone else sleep. I will never take nuvigil again. I haven’t had insomnia this bad in months. Time for meditation and hopefully that will let me sleep.
I slept in late with my sick three-year-old because when she doesn’t get any sleep, neither do I. In a moment of fibro-fog last night, I had the three-year-old drink a bunch of water before bed to try to make sure she wouldn’t start coughing when she laid down. Someone turned off the bathroom light so when she got up to go she got scared, laid back down next to me and fell back to sleep. You can guess what happened next. 1:30 am found me tearing the sheets off the bed and stumbling down the stairs to get her clean pajamas. The rest of the night I kept waking up to make sure she didn’t need to go to the bathroom again. Sleeping in until 10 am means nothing to me after all that.
I am still in a ton of pain, both Fibromyalgia and the PMS variety. I feel like there’s a little clawed demon inside my womb, trying to claw it’s way out and I’m being haunted by a ghost who’s punching me in the vagina. Maybe I’m wrong, but menopause can’t be this bad. I already have hot flashes whenever I do more than sit on the couch. My muscles all feel like jello. I was so exhausted before picking up the kids from school that I thought I’d try to take a quarter of a nuvigil. I am unimpressed so far. The last time I took one I had energy but my pain was so bad it didn’t matter. Today’s results are kind of the same. I still hurt, I’m still tired and my muscles still feel like jello. I decided to wash my kitchen curtains and vacuum the dust bunnies off the walls for some ridiculous reason and my arms are shaking and in pain. My back is starting to spasm now. At least I know why I was so depressed the last week.
I’m curious if anyone else has tried nuvigil and what results they had. My doctor said that the patients he’s had try it have loved it.
- A cold day with snow and wind.
- Laundry with trips up and down stairs.
- A sick three-year-old
- Several large medical bills along with a letter from our home insurance raising our deductible in the mail.
All this today has me hurting, depressed and grumpy. Can I get a do over?