Fibronaut At Home

Mommy Bubble

I feel like a genius for coming up with this so feel free to use it as much as you want.  One of the most difficult things to explain to my children is how much I hurt.  My older two are pretty gentle with me, but my four-year-old still wants me to be a trampoline/jungle gym/bed.  I want to hold and cuddle and snuggle my kids any time, any where.  With fibromyalgia that just isn’t possible.  Today I had a doctor’s appointment at the way-too-early hour of 9 am.  My doctor is an hour and a half away, so that gave me a 6:30 am start.  Plus, I had run out of my amitriptyline the day before so I didn’t sleep well.  My hubby drove but there was lots of construction and traffic.  All that stop-and-go has my neck spasming and a headache coming on.  Let me just make this easier.  I hurt really freaking badly.  I am at the point where I want to call my Mommy and whine and hope she’ll come take care of me.

I was able to convince (force) my children to help me fold laundry but now I hurt worse.  Back to my brilliant idea for struggling Mommies everywhere.  As soon I sat down with my green tea, heating pads in place, feet up, blinds closed, the four-year-old decided that she needed to squeeze in between me and the couch.  She had a half of a foot of room and I could foresee that some pointy, bony part of her was going to end up in one of my tender points.  I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or yell at her but I needed to get her to understand that I was serious about her not sitting that close to me.  So I told her I love her but right now I hurt so I’m in my Mommy bubble.  Success!  She didn’t get her feelings hurt, I didn’t have to get grumpy and the kids are laughing about me and my bubble.  I don’t plan on using my bubble all the time, just when I’m at my worst, like today.

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Total Panic Mode

It is nearing the one month mark since I was denied SSDI.  I am entering panic mode.  My hubby has been bugging me about contacting an attorney and updating my explanation of my difficulties.  Just writing about it has my stomach in knots.  My breathing is shallow, my stomach has butterflies and my teeth are clenched.  Last night, he started to talk to me about what he wanted me to work on and I had to cut him off.  I told him to make me a list of what he wanted me to do.  I could not deal with any of it.  I put on my headphones, listened to calming music and escaped into the book I’m reading until I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  Then I went to bed and kept repeating “You can’t do anything about it tonight. Deal with it tomorrow.”  This allowed me to get to sleep last night.  Not sure why I decided to post about this when it is bringing me back to this anxious space.  The anxiety just compounds until I’m a nervous wreck, barking at my kids and in pain from all the tension.  I meet with the attorney next week.  I cannot be a basket case until then.

This is why I know going back to work is not a possibility for me.  I cannot handle stress.  I go into ostrich mode, where I just want to bury my head in the sand until the coast is clear.  Add to that the pain and fatigue and I wouldn’t be able to function.  Since the denial, I’ve considered the possibility of working from home, just to bring in a little income.  I love to sew.  Why not turn that love into something profitable.  So I checked out books from the library on starting your own Etsy shop and I can’t even get past the first chapter.  I become overwhelmed by all the what-ifs.  I know that just getting started is going to be a lot of work.  My hubby starts questioning me about certain aspects of selling online and I freak out.  I know he just wants me to be aware of all the work my idea will take but it feels like discouragement.

So, I feel like I should be doing more, but every time I try, my doubts surface and I give up.

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I Forgot

I had a kick-ass-and-take-names kind of day today. I drove my kids, by myself, to a Birthday party an hour and a half away. I helped my three-year-old in the shallow end of the pool for over an hour. Thankfully, the pool was indoor and warm. It was like having a long soak after that long drive. I was able to enjoy myself at the party, even with the pain and fatigue. Kid parties may seem boring or like too much kid-time, but kids are just my speed. I avoid all the adult drama and hang with the kids most of the time. They are always positive, looking for the bright-side and magnets for fun and silliness. My older niece’s showed me some funny videos with interesting dancing and the exchange of laughter was a memory I will cherish.

I even made the drive home. I can’t say what kind of shape I’ll be in tomorrow though. It is almost midnight and I’ve been up since 7 am but I drank coffee on the way home so now I’m exhausted but wide awake. I hurt, of course, but I’ve got heating pads rotating from my legs to my neck, shoulders and back. I started writing this post in my head on the drive home, but had to force my thoughts to singing along to the radio so I wouldn’t fall asleep. It is killing me because I had a specific message I wanted to convey, but now I can’t remember what it was. I didn’t even realize that I was starting to go into the little creative space in my mind until my eleven year old reminded me to sing along. I told him to throw something at me if I wasn’t singing along to the radio because that meant I was asleep.

This is driving me insane now. I feel like there is something to get off my chest, but I can’t remember what it is! I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I think of it. It had to do with anxiety. I was thinking of the anxiety that I experienced in the days leading up to this party. Now I remember. The relief is short-lived. I won’t be okay until I get this out.

I was singing along to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, featuring Mary Lambert, “Same Love”, and it hit me. Whenever I have any event, party, anything really, to go to, I immediately begin over-thinking. I could even be thinking of all the fun, positive things that could happen. Eventually though, my mind turns dark. I might imagine someone being mean to me or my kids and the ensuing drama, stress and conflict. I might imagine a misunderstanding that gets blown out of proportion or some other situation where I am in conflict with someone who doesn’t know me.

While listening to this song, I thought back to all the negative places my brain went when confronted with my attending a children’s party at a public pool. Add the stress of finding out the night before that I’d be making a drive I haven’t made in two years, and I was a mess. In one of those made up situations in my mind, a simple misunderstanding in the pool between myself and another mother, blows up. This kept creeping into my thoughts all week. At the actual party, not the one in my mind, I did have an interaction with another Mom and it was nothing like I had imagined. It was actually kind of beautiful. If you saw me and this other Mother, side by side, you would think that we had nothing in common but that we were Mothers. We never talked to each other so I’ll never know. Our babies communicated first, with eye-contact and a smile and then so did we. I feel like we so often judge each other based on what we see and that is sad. Maybe that will be a new goal for me. More eye-contact and smiles and less judging. I can do that.

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