I had a kick-ass-and-take-names kind of day today. I drove my kids, by myself, to a Birthday party an hour and a half away. I helped my three-year-old in the shallow end of the pool for over an hour. Thankfully, the pool was indoor and warm. It was like having a long soak after that long drive. I was able to enjoy myself at the party, even with the pain and fatigue. Kid parties may seem boring or like too much kid-time, but kids are just my speed. I avoid all the adult drama and hang with the kids most of the time. They are always positive, looking for the bright-side and magnets for fun and silliness. My older niece’s showed me some funny videos with interesting dancing and the exchange of laughter was a memory I will cherish.
I even made the drive home. I can’t say what kind of shape I’ll be in tomorrow though. It is almost midnight and I’ve been up since 7 am but I drank coffee on the way home so now I’m exhausted but wide awake. I hurt, of course, but I’ve got heating pads rotating from my legs to my neck, shoulders and back. I started writing this post in my head on the drive home, but had to force my thoughts to singing along to the radio so I wouldn’t fall asleep. It is killing me because I had a specific message I wanted to convey, but now I can’t remember what it was. I didn’t even realize that I was starting to go into the little creative space in my mind until my eleven year old reminded me to sing along. I told him to throw something at me if I wasn’t singing along to the radio because that meant I was asleep.
This is driving me insane now. I feel like there is something to get off my chest, but I can’t remember what it is! I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until I think of it. It had to do with anxiety. I was thinking of the anxiety that I experienced in the days leading up to this party. Now I remember. The relief is short-lived. I won’t be okay until I get this out.
I was singing along to Macklemore and Ryan Lewis, featuring Mary Lambert, “Same Love”, and it hit me. Whenever I have any event, party, anything really, to go to, I immediately begin over-thinking. I could even be thinking of all the fun, positive things that could happen. Eventually though, my mind turns dark. I might imagine someone being mean to me or my kids and the ensuing drama, stress and conflict. I might imagine a misunderstanding that gets blown out of proportion or some other situation where I am in conflict with someone who doesn’t know me.
While listening to this song, I thought back to all the negative places my brain went when confronted with my attending a children’s party at a public pool. Add the stress of finding out the night before that I’d be making a drive I haven’t made in two years, and I was a mess. In one of those made up situations in my mind, a simple misunderstanding in the pool between myself and another mother, blows up. This kept creeping into my thoughts all week. At the actual party, not the one in my mind, I did have an interaction with another Mom and it was nothing like I had imagined. It was actually kind of beautiful. If you saw me and this other Mother, side by side, you would think that we had nothing in common but that we were Mothers. We never talked to each other so I’ll never know. Our babies communicated first, with eye-contact and a smile and then so did we. I feel like we so often judge each other based on what we see and that is sad. Maybe that will be a new goal for me. More eye-contact and smiles and less judging. I can do that.