It is nearing the one month mark since I was denied SSDI. I am entering panic mode. My hubby has been bugging me about contacting an attorney and updating my explanation of my difficulties. Just writing about it has my stomach in knots. My breathing is shallow, my stomach has butterflies and my teeth are clenched. Last night, he started to talk to me about what he wanted me to work on and I had to cut him off. I told him to make me a list of what he wanted me to do. I could not deal with any of it. I put on my headphones, listened to calming music and escaped into the book I’m reading until I couldn’t keep my eyes open. Then I went to bed and kept repeating “You can’t do anything about it tonight. Deal with it tomorrow.” This allowed me to get to sleep last night. Not sure why I decided to post about this when it is bringing me back to this anxious space. The anxiety just compounds until I’m a nervous wreck, barking at my kids and in pain from all the tension. I meet with the attorney next week. I cannot be a basket case until then.
This is why I know going back to work is not a possibility for me. I cannot handle stress. I go into ostrich mode, where I just want to bury my head in the sand until the coast is clear. Add to that the pain and fatigue and I wouldn’t be able to function. Since the denial, I’ve considered the possibility of working from home, just to bring in a little income. I love to sew. Why not turn that love into something profitable. So I checked out books from the library on starting your own Etsy shop and I can’t even get past the first chapter. I become overwhelmed by all the what-ifs. I know that just getting started is going to be a lot of work. My hubby starts questioning me about certain aspects of selling online and I freak out. I know he just wants me to be aware of all the work my idea will take but it feels like discouragement.
So, I feel like I should be doing more, but every time I try, my doubts surface and I give up.