I’ve been meaning to write about our vacation that we took at the end of June. I thought about the things I did to be with my family as much as possible. I haven’t posted about anything yet because I’ve been all up in my head since we got back. I don’t really know where to begin. I’ve got so much bottled up right now and I’m just trying to keep my head above water. It was great to be able to get away. I took it slow. I rested as much as possible. I’m realizing the most difficult part of vacation is coming back to reality. I’ve really struggled the last couple weeks to get back into the swing of things. I feel lost. Part of the problem is that, while on vacation, we ate out every meal. I didn’t have to worry about having the energy to feed myself or the kids. I feel like I was able to do so much more than normal while on vacation, that now I feel like I’m doing nothing. Now that I’ve finally realized that, you would think I would be a little easier on myself. I continue to beat myself up about it.
Every time I sit down to rest, my brain goes to everything I should or could be doing. I’m having trouble sleeping again and having trouble keeping my temper. I was so rude to a girl selling magazines the other day. I blew up at the kids for a really stupid reason. I don’t like myself like this. My son starts middle school at the end of this month and that is just adding to my stress. I think I’m more anxious than he is. I’m having trouble just breathing. I feel like I could hyperventilate all the time. I just want to cry and scream. I really hate myself right now. I don’t know how to get out of this funk.
I’m still struggling with being unable to work. I feel like I don’t contribute anything to my family. I know that’s not true but it feels that way sometimes. It just sucks so bad trying to live on one income. It isn’t fair to my kids or my hubby that I can’t work. I even have one of those dreams that feels like it is real, where I think I’m at work again and I feel so good but then I wake up and I just feel sad. When I worked, I missed out on a lot of things with my kids. Sometimes they couldn’t do certain sports or activities because I couldn’t get off of work to take them. Now I have the time but we don’t have the money for them to do those things. It hurts to have to tell them they can’t do something because we can’t afford it. It breaks my heart. I would make sure I rested all day if I could just do this for them. Makes me feel like a complete failure as a parent. I need a hug.