Fibronaut At Home

Give Thanks Not Spanks

 

Give Thanks Not Spanks is what I’m calling this weekend.  My kids are being kids and I’m not worrying about anything.  I want to enjoy my family, eat a lot of good food, watch football, watch any corny T.V. specials that are on and that is it.  No mas.  I’m not going to worry about laundry, dishes, dirty floors or any other housework related thing.  I’m going to do what is necessary and no more.

I’m especially not going to let any of the drama that can be associated with family gatherings touch me.  I am a bubble of happiness.  I am the unicorn, farting glitter, spreading rainbows wherever she goes.  I am making cheesy potatoes and spinach stuffed mushrooms and you can eat them or don’t, because if you don’t, that just means there’s more for me.  I am painting my nails in a turkey/thanksgiving theme and maybe my toenails too.  That is it.  I’ll help clean up after dinner, but that is it.

Kids:  If you need something, you better ask your Dad, because I am relaxing this weekend. 

Hubby:  If you need something, get it yourself.

Just kidding.  You can ask me and I might help you out, but only if I was already getting up.  Otherwise, refer to the previous note.

And if you thought this post was going to be about the body shapers, Spanx, I’m so sorry to disappoint.  I’ve never worn Spanx, nor do I plan to ever wear them in the future, so you’ll have to go somewhere else for any Spanx related hijinks.  Although, I’m pretty sure that if you gave someone Spanx on Thanksgiving, they’d probably cross you off their invite list for the next year.  So, if you’re invited somewhere and you’d rather not go, give them Spanx.  You are welcome.

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Fibromyalgia Problem #56

You pull a muscle using the rest room.  While going or wiping or dressing or undressing, they all suck.  You’re at your most vulnerable, yelling like a lunatic, with everyone nearby wondering just what is going on in there.

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Six Ways to Love Yourself Through Fibromyalgia

I’m finally out of the slump! There’s snow and it’s cold, but I’m not doing too bad. Weird the way that works. While the weather is coming in or going out, I’m miserable. Once it’s here, I’m fine. I was feeling like I needed a nap, but then I read this really awesome post and now, I’m ready to get up and get some things done. You should read it too, if you haven’t already, because it is amazing.

The Shiny Soul Project

SIX WAYS TO LOVE YOURSELF THROUGH FIBROMYALGIA

Let me ask you this…

If you brought a puppy home from the shelter that has been traumatized and brutalized by his previous owner – so much so he cowers and whimpers at the slightest sound or movement – would you berate, ignore, or neglect him? No, of course you wouldn’t! I am guessing you would give him space, talk sweetly, be patient, and protect him. You would do everything you could to make sure that he felt safe and sound. You’d be eager to help ensure his little personality and spirit could shine again. And you would commit to doing this for as long as it took, his entire lifetime if need be.

If you are suffering with Fibromyalgia, you are traumatized, just like that little puppy. For one reason or another, your system has become overwhelmed. And now you are trapped…

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Jury is Still Out

I can’t sleep.  Apparently, the Nuvigil I took at 9 am is still affecting me at 11 pm.  Yay.

On the plus side, I did get the majority of the laundry separated into baskets for folding at some point this week.  I did get the dishwasher unloaded and everything was clean.  Hell yeah!  Washing the dishes on the cycle designed for pots and pans really does save time and water!  I didn’t have to cook dinner because the hubby brought home Wendy’s for dinner.  Then, after the kids went to bed, since I was riding a high from actually accomplishing WAY more than I thought I’d be able to do, we got a little quality time (wink, wink).  It feels like I won the lottery tonight.

I am not talking about the pain, because then it knows I feel it and I’m not giving the pain that satisfaction.  Take that Pain!

The Nuvigil worked wonders today, except for the fact that I am now, at 11 pm, WIDE AWAKE.  I’m going to listen to Bedtime Beats, The Secret to Sleep and do a jigsaw puzzle online.  That usually helps me get to sleep.  Really crossing my fingers here.  I’m not even going to think about the amount of pain all this activity is going to cause tomorrow.  You will not win Pain!

One more thing: My hubby is pretty freaking awesome.  I forget to mention that sometimes, but seriously, if I could clone him and give every single one of you, one of him, I would.  Maybe I will rent him out.  Then, I will sort of be bringing in income.  Do you think he’d go for that?  Tell me what you need done, I’ll send him over.

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I Hate it When I am Right

Nuvigil gave me the energy and alertness I needed to safely get my son to his doctor’s appointment.  I was able to go to the grocery store for his meds as well.  Getting home was a little more tricky.  The painful spasms started about the same time the nausea and fatigue arrived; on the drive home.  I drank green tea so that I could get my daughter from school.  Got the dishes thrown in the dishwasher.  I’m scared to check if they’re clean or not, since I didn’t pre-rinse.  The laundry is kind of happening.  No folding.  Just finishing washing and drying and then separating into rooms.  My daughter has one basket; my son has another; then I have one with my clothes, my husband’s clothes and my littlest daughter’s clothes; the last basket has the load with all the small towels and socks in it.  Not sure how this is all going to shake out.  We might be basket diving for the near future for all socks, underwear and small towels.

My shoulders, neck and hips are really angry at me right now, as are all the muscles in my face.  Too much talking to kids and doctors and grocery store people and way too much driving.  If I could find a way to drive that didn’t require me to move my neck, I would have it made.

I have a theory with this Nuvigil nonsense.  I think that although the Nuvigil does give me alertness, it also wakes me up enough for me to really notice how much I freaking hurt.  I’m trying to have an open mind about this, because I’m aware of how bitter I am toward the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies after all this Fibro/CFS mess.  My doctor didn’t recommend I take Nuvigil every day, just when I “have to get something done”.  I still want to laugh hysterically when I repeat his words to myself.  I am a wife and a mother of three.  I have shiznit to do every day, that has to be done, that I don’t get to because of pain and fatigue.

Here comes the Mommy guilt.  I can think of several times in just the past two months, where I couldn’t be there for my kids.  What if I had just tried taking the Nuvigil?  There’s a possibility I could have gone to my son’s cross-country banquet or two of my daughter’s helper days at preschool.  Those are just the things I’ve missed that I can think of.  Even if I think I’ll feel well enough to do something important for my kids, maybe I should just start the day with the Nuvigil, thus improving my chances of being there for my kids?

As always, the work question is in the back of my mind.  Could Nuvigil give me the extra oomph I need to go back to work?  I just don’t know.  I don’t think I could concentrate at all with the pain I would have, even if I was more alert.  I don’t handle stress well at all.  All it takes is a little bit of stress and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function.  Let’s say I have the easiest job on the planet, whatever that might be, I would be required to move and movement, especially repetitive movement brings pain.  Even with the Nuvigil, I still got fatigued and nauseated.

On a good day, I can do about an hour of activity, before the fatigue really kicks my butt.  The pain is always fluctuating and no matter how good a day is, I usually have pain.  I can’t tell you how many days I had at my old job, where I was yawning all the time, no matter how much coffee I drank or what I ate.  There were days when I called in, simply because I was tired.  There were days where I could barely sit at my desk.  Is there any job I could do?  I honestly don’t know.

The disability company that was paying me, but dropped me, said they thought I could be a teller in a bank again.  I disagree, obviously, which is why I’m applying for Social Security Disability.  How would I handle money all day?  Write?  Get people’s transactions correct?  The problem with Fibro/CFS is that one problem compounds on top of others, until you aren’t able to function in even the smallest way.  All the pain, the fatigue, the fog, the stress, anxiety, depression, weather changes, etc. would combine and I wouldn’t last a week.  I’m not being pessimistic.  I’m being realistic.

Thanks for reading, if you’re still with me at this point.  I had no idea I had all of that in me, but it feels good to get it out.  The hamster in my head just lost 50 pounds.  I’ll let you know tomorrow if I’m able to sleep tonight or not.  Right now, I feel like I could go to sleep, but if I take a nap now, I might be up the rest of the night.

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Just One More Thing

I’ve been fighting a stupid cold for what I think is a month, but I’m not sure, ’cause my memory sucks.  Now my son is sick and I have to take him to the doctor today.  The sky is overcast and everything hurts.  I’m tired.  I’m whiny.  Somebody bitch-slap me via internet, STAT!

I’ve been trying to not let the weather determine my attitude about how my days going to go.  Does that make sense?  I always check the weather, and I get cranky when I see temperatures fluctuating drastically between days.  Ten° F isn’t bad.  Twenty or more °F  between days, especially when it goes 60°F to 40°F to 60°F again, and I get perturbed.  When we went to Vegas this summer, it was over 100°F every day, but it was constant, no fluctuation, dry heat and I had some of my best days this year there.

Laundry is going, which means I’m recovering from all the separating I did yesterday.  My hubby tried to help me last night and probably wanted to strangle me when I hollered down the stairs that he needed to completely change the settings he had on the dryer and the washer.  Seriously, I was half asleep, but I could hear him “helping” and I just knew he was going to shrink everything.  And he would have.  He had a load of delicates on “heavy duty” in the dryer, which means high heat and forever long, and another load of delicates in the washer on “normal”, which means warm heat and as rough as a mechanical bull.

Dishes are piled up.  We have zero clean forks.  All the back up plastic forks are used as well.  I have zero clean large coffee cups and zero clean travel mugs.  We are almost out of clean bowls.  My hubby cooked dinner last night, so I have that horror show to clean up as well.  If I don’t get a load of dishes run today, we will be eating cereal out of cups, and everything will be finger food by default.  I’m considering trying the cycle where I don’t have to rinse anything before I put it in the dishwasher.  That’s not how I do things though, so it’ll be interesting if I can even load the dishwasher without rinsing.

Because have all this on my plate, I am on trial number three of Nuvigil.  My doctor says that some people love it.  The first time I took it (a quarter of a pill, as my doctor recommended) I had all the energy in the world, but my pain was off the charts.  The second time I took it, I waited too long to decide that I wasn’t coming out of my slump and needed it, took it in the afternoon (Stupida!) and couldn’t fall asleep that night.  Today, I took it at 9 am, so hopefully it helps me get all this crap done.  I am expecting my pain to be off the charts again, though.  I already know what happens when I have a good day and don’t pace myself.  An artificially manufactured good day?  I can’t afford to pace myself and I’ll probably end up doing way too much and needing three days just to recover.

 

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Today is a New Day

Thank God!

I talked to my hubby last night.  Focused on all the happiness I’d been brushing aside and felt a whole lot better.  I told him about the silliness of the squirrels and birds in the yard and about our neighbor yelling at our dog (which, believe it or not, was really funny).

In super big news, I got a letter from my attorney that my Social Security hearing has been set.  February 18, 2014! 

This morning, I got a message from a wonderful friend.  She’s coming up to go to lunch.  I am really lucky that she has not completely given up on me over the years.

Today is going to be a good day. 

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What Am I Doing?

After my last post, I worked on cleaning the kitchen.  Sometimes, the clutter in my house gets to me.  I start to feel buried by all the crap laying around.  I’m not a hoarder, but I do have three kids and a hubby and we all have the habit of throwing things on the counter to deal with later.  Plus, my kids, like all kids, don’t put anything away, and don’t clean up after themselves unless I ask them to.  As I’m straightening the table, rinsing dishes and stacking them in the dishwasher, thoughts that have been on my hamster wheel in my brain make themselves known.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my old job.  As I drive my kids to school and pick them up from school, I see people from my old life.  My brain goes through a weird kind of process at that point.  I don’t consider waving, I just kind of hold my breath and wait for them to acknowledge me.  Then, I think to myself, “What do I look like right now?” or I worry about whether or not they think I look sick or not.  It doesn’t end there, because then, I start to go over the time since I quit working in my head.

The most difficult part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome has been staying at home.  Fibro/CFS took my ability to work and with it, my sense of self-worth.  No matter what I do during my day, in my brain, it means nothing if it doesn’t make money.  I haven’t contributed to my family’s bank account and that is something that I can’t let go of.  I was raised to work hard, no complaints, no excuses.  My Step-Father is 81 years old and he works full-time.  He has more aches and pains than anyone I’ve ever met and has health issues for the 25 years I have known him.  He gets tired, he hurts and he still works.  I have so much respect for him.

He taught me to work hard and not give up.  Staying at home, even though I have gained so much time with my kids, makes me feel like I’ve given up.  I don’t know if I can live with myself this way.  I feel like I’m hiding.  I’m scared.  I don’t know if I could do a job anymore and I’m too scared to try.  I’ve talked to my doctor about this.  I told him that I have a good day and worry that maybe I should be working.  He asked me, “But if you did go to work for 8 hours, what would you be able to do when you got home?”  The answer was obvious.  Nothing.  I’d be laid low and I probably wouldn’t be able to do anything for days after.  I have so many examples of when I pushed through the pain and fatigue to do something with my family and I don’t make it over an hour.

Why, knowing this, do I continue to beat myself up about this?  I just can’t reconcile any of this in my mind.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

Plus, I think about what kind of example I’m setting for my kids.  I don’t even know.  I don’t even want to think about this.

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Defcon Blue

I’m feeling down.  Eeyore is my spirit animal right now.  My hubby brought me flowers yesterday.  I said, “Thank you”, but inside I was shrugging my shoulders.  I tried to refashion a t-shirt to give me happy vibes, but I shrugged my shoulders at that too.  Outside my window, there is a huge tree.  Behind it, a giant pine tree is leaning and it looks like it’s peeking at me.  Again, meh.

I didn’t even sing along to the radio this morning while taking my kids to school.  I am listening to electronica music because I know there won’t be any depressing songs in that mix.  My foot is bouncing to the beat, so at least that is working.  I slept a ton yesterday.  I was in bed at 6:30 pm last night.  I woke up at 9 pm to take my night time meds, ate something and went back to sleep.  Usually, it would be a good thing, all this sleeping.  I just didn’t feel like doing anything else.  I didn’t want to talk to anyone and that was the easiest way to avoid my kids and husband.

I don’t like me like this.  I was alone all day, barely talked on the phone and should’ve been ready for some time with my kids and hubby.  It has been so long since I’ve felt this way.  I don’t feel like crying, I just don’t feel anything.

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We Got This

What do I have?  A cold!  How long have I had it?  This is week number three!

I really need some positivity right now.  PMS + Cold + Fibro + Fatigue = Me, zoning out all the time, sad, feeling like a giant dog turd floating in turd soup.

Here is my attempt at We Got This Wednesday:

Drum roll please…..

  • I shaved in the shower today.  Hasn’t happened in a week.  Yay, me.
  • I straightened up the living room.  Sort of.  It’s almost ready for someone with more energy than me to vacuum.
  • I did dishes yesterday and made dinner.  It was mac and cheese and hot dogs, but it felt like I’d just climbed Everest.
  • I fed the dog today and gave the bunnies carrots.
  • I cleaned the bathtub.
  • I am really trying to come up with something else….I know there is something else.  For some stupid reason, “I’m the grumpy, old Troll, who lives under the bridge”, from Dora the Explorer keeps popping in my head.  Actually, that is a pretty apt description of me lately.  Except, now I shaved so I’m not as hairy a troll as I was before.
I have to confess, that I’m getting bored with writing these.  Yes, I need to recognize that I do more than sit on my butt and sleep, but I don’t necessarily need to write about it on my blog every week.  I feel like I’m in the fifth grade again and I’m completing a stupid journal assignment that my teacher told me to do.  I hate being forced to write about something specific, even when I’m the one forcing me.
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