Fibronaut At Home

What Am I Doing?

on November 14, 2013

After my last post, I worked on cleaning the kitchen.  Sometimes, the clutter in my house gets to me.  I start to feel buried by all the crap laying around.  I’m not a hoarder, but I do have three kids and a hubby and we all have the habit of throwing things on the counter to deal with later.  Plus, my kids, like all kids, don’t put anything away, and don’t clean up after themselves unless I ask them to.  As I’m straightening the table, rinsing dishes and stacking them in the dishwasher, thoughts that have been on my hamster wheel in my brain make themselves known.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about my old job.  As I drive my kids to school and pick them up from school, I see people from my old life.  My brain goes through a weird kind of process at that point.  I don’t consider waving, I just kind of hold my breath and wait for them to acknowledge me.  Then, I think to myself, “What do I look like right now?” or I worry about whether or not they think I look sick or not.  It doesn’t end there, because then, I start to go over the time since I quit working in my head.

The most difficult part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome has been staying at home.  Fibro/CFS took my ability to work and with it, my sense of self-worth.  No matter what I do during my day, in my brain, it means nothing if it doesn’t make money.  I haven’t contributed to my family’s bank account and that is something that I can’t let go of.  I was raised to work hard, no complaints, no excuses.  My Step-Father is 81 years old and he works full-time.  He has more aches and pains than anyone I’ve ever met and has health issues for the 25 years I have known him.  He gets tired, he hurts and he still works.  I have so much respect for him.

He taught me to work hard and not give up.  Staying at home, even though I have gained so much time with my kids, makes me feel like I’ve given up.  I don’t know if I can live with myself this way.  I feel like I’m hiding.  I’m scared.  I don’t know if I could do a job anymore and I’m too scared to try.  I’ve talked to my doctor about this.  I told him that I have a good day and worry that maybe I should be working.  He asked me, “But if you did go to work for 8 hours, what would you be able to do when you got home?”  The answer was obvious.  Nothing.  I’d be laid low and I probably wouldn’t be able to do anything for days after.  I have so many examples of when I pushed through the pain and fatigue to do something with my family and I don’t make it over an hour.

Why, knowing this, do I continue to beat myself up about this?  I just can’t reconcile any of this in my mind.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to.

Plus, I think about what kind of example I’m setting for my kids.  I don’t even know.  I don’t even want to think about this.


One response to “What Am I Doing?

  1. TTD says:

    Please stop beating yourself up about not working. You’re ill, and your doctor has told you that you can’t work.

    Your step-father might still be working, but does he have 3 young kids and a husband to look after and run around after when he comes home from work? No. And I bet hubby doesn’t complain about you not working, does he?

    Try to find out if there’s a fibro support group close by that you can go to. Try here .

    Could you do some type of sewing/repair work at home for other people? Put an advertisement in the local paper about it.

    I don’t have any kids, and I can’t do half the things you do. I’m in awe of what you manage to do with your family. You are one heck of a strong woman. Don’t let your pride tell you otherwise!

Keep it positive...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


A great site

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths


Growth, together

The Elephant in the Room

Writing about my experiences with: depression, anxiety, OCD and Aspergers

mystical lunarose

Chronic pain, Rhumatoid Arthritis, Alapecia Areata,Rants, and Raves

My Journey 2 Scratch

"The secrets to life are hidden behind the word cliché" - Shay Butler

just a dad with disney questions

reading into things way too much...


This site is all about ideas

Im ashamed to die until i have won some victory for humanity.(Horace Mann)


Envision Your Future Online

Helping you Improve your Online Business


A great site

Living Love Letter™

Gracefully broken-let me be a Living Love Letter to my Savior, my King, Christ Jesus.


Tutorials and Ideas for the love of DIY

Rentbillow's Blog

"RentBillow" spelled backwards is "WolliBtner" which means "awesome" in a language I just made up.


Addiction, Mental Health, Stigma, Spirituality

Dr. Patty's Chronic-Intractable Pain and You Sites, Inc.

Always A Safe and Nonjudgmental Place To Talk About Your Chronic Pain

Take-Two Style

A new style…all preloved, recycled and 'economical'

Let's Face the Music

Renovating an old house by a musical couple who want to live there the rest of their lives.

%d bloggers like this: