Nuvigil gave me the energy and alertness I needed to safely get my son to his doctor’s appointment. I was able to go to the grocery store for his meds as well. Getting home was a little more tricky. The painful spasms started about the same time the nausea and fatigue arrived; on the drive home. I drank green tea so that I could get my daughter from school. Got the dishes thrown in the dishwasher. I’m scared to check if they’re clean or not, since I didn’t pre-rinse. The laundry is kind of happening. No folding. Just finishing washing and drying and then separating into rooms. My daughter has one basket; my son has another; then I have one with my clothes, my husband’s clothes and my littlest daughter’s clothes; the last basket has the load with all the small towels and socks in it. Not sure how this is all going to shake out. We might be basket diving for the near future for all socks, underwear and small towels.
My shoulders, neck and hips are really angry at me right now, as are all the muscles in my face. Too much talking to kids and doctors and grocery store people and way too much driving. If I could find a way to drive that didn’t require me to move my neck, I would have it made.
I have a theory with this Nuvigil nonsense. I think that although the Nuvigil does give me alertness, it also wakes me up enough for me to really notice how much I freaking hurt. I’m trying to have an open mind about this, because I’m aware of how bitter I am toward the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies after all this Fibro/CFS mess. My doctor didn’t recommend I take Nuvigil every day, just when I “have to get something done”. I still want to laugh hysterically when I repeat his words to myself. I am a wife and a mother of three. I have shiznit to do every day, that has to be done, that I don’t get to because of pain and fatigue.
Here comes the Mommy guilt. I can think of several times in just the past two months, where I couldn’t be there for my kids. What if I had just tried taking the Nuvigil? There’s a possibility I could have gone to my son’s cross-country banquet or two of my daughter’s helper days at preschool. Those are just the things I’ve missed that I can think of. Even if I think I’ll feel well enough to do something important for my kids, maybe I should just start the day with the Nuvigil, thus improving my chances of being there for my kids?
As always, the work question is in the back of my mind. Could Nuvigil give me the extra oomph I need to go back to work? I just don’t know. I don’t think I could concentrate at all with the pain I would have, even if I was more alert. I don’t handle stress well at all. All it takes is a little bit of stress and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function. Let’s say I have the easiest job on the planet, whatever that might be, I would be required to move and movement, especially repetitive movement brings pain. Even with the Nuvigil, I still got fatigued and nauseated.
On a good day, I can do about an hour of activity, before the fatigue really kicks my butt. The pain is always fluctuating and no matter how good a day is, I usually have pain. I can’t tell you how many days I had at my old job, where I was yawning all the time, no matter how much coffee I drank or what I ate. There were days when I called in, simply because I was tired. There were days where I could barely sit at my desk. Is there any job I could do? I honestly don’t know.
The disability company that was paying me, but dropped me, said they thought I could be a teller in a bank again. I disagree, obviously, which is why I’m applying for Social Security Disability. How would I handle money all day? Write? Get people’s transactions correct? The problem with Fibro/CFS is that one problem compounds on top of others, until you aren’t able to function in even the smallest way. All the pain, the fatigue, the fog, the stress, anxiety, depression, weather changes, etc. would combine and I wouldn’t last a week. I’m not being pessimistic. I’m being realistic.
Thanks for reading, if you’re still with me at this point. I had no idea I had all of that in me, but it feels good to get it out. The hamster in my head just lost 50 pounds. I’ll let you know tomorrow if I’m able to sleep tonight or not. Right now, I feel like I could go to sleep, but if I take a nap now, I might be up the rest of the night.