Fibronaut At Home

Gasping for Air

Anxiety is in full effect today.  I’m trying not to go into ostrich-mode, but I’ve kind of been there for the last couple weeks.  The only way I’m going to deal with this, is to get it all out.  Not exactly easy.  The holidays have me feeling vulnerable.  I have my husband’s work Christmas party to go to and I always dread those.  That’s not really what has The Hamster Wheel of Death spinning in my head.

I spent some time with friends from high school.  Felt great at the time.  After, I was full of all these self-recriminations, where I was re-visiting things I said or did and just beating myself up over them.  I know I’m supposed to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, then see them for what they are.  I know that.  But they are still eating me up inside.  Great.  Now I’m crying.  My four year old is home and really doesn’t need to see this.  She’s watching a movie, so hopefully she doesn’t notice.  I don’t really even understand why I’m beating myself up.  I had fun.  I am able to be myself with these women.  I never feel any judgement from them, just support.  We get each other.  Part of me feels like I don’t deserve their friendship, and I suppose that could be contributing to these thoughts.  I hate myself over how I treated them years ago.

I meet with my attorney tomorrow to go over my disability case, which is putting another layer of anxiety on top of the holiday mix.  This is just a preliminary appointment to go over what to expect when I have my hearing in February.  I’m gritting my teeth, my shoulders are hunched and I have butterflies in my stomach.  I’m afraid I’ll forget something.  I’m full of what-ifs.  I’m in ostrich-mode so bad on this one.  I just want to go to sleep tonight and wake up on Thursday, with it all over and taken care of.  I don’t want to deal with it.

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