Fibronaut At Home

Gasping for Air

on December 10, 2013

Anxiety is in full effect today.  I’m trying not to go into ostrich-mode, but I’ve kind of been there for the last couple weeks.  The only way I’m going to deal with this, is to get it all out.  Not exactly easy.  The holidays have me feeling vulnerable.  I have my husband’s work Christmas party to go to and I always dread those.  That’s not really what has The Hamster Wheel of Death spinning in my head.

I spent some time with friends from high school.  Felt great at the time.  After, I was full of all these self-recriminations, where I was re-visiting things I said or did and just beating myself up over them.  I know I’m supposed to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, then see them for what they are.  I know that.  But they are still eating me up inside.  Great.  Now I’m crying.  My four year old is home and really doesn’t need to see this.  She’s watching a movie, so hopefully she doesn’t notice.  I don’t really even understand why I’m beating myself up.  I had fun.  I am able to be myself with these women.  I never feel any judgement from them, just support.  We get each other.  Part of me feels like I don’t deserve their friendship, and I suppose that could be contributing to these thoughts.  I hate myself over how I treated them years ago.

I meet with my attorney tomorrow to go over my disability case, which is putting another layer of anxiety on top of the holiday mix.  This is just a preliminary appointment to go over what to expect when I have my hearing in February.  I’m gritting my teeth, my shoulders are hunched and I have butterflies in my stomach.  I’m afraid I’ll forget something.  I’m full of what-ifs.  I’m in ostrich-mode so bad on this one.  I just want to go to sleep tonight and wake up on Thursday, with it all over and taken care of.  I don’t want to deal with it.

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4 responses to “Gasping for Air

  1. Valerie says:

    Sorry you’re going through a rough spot…I can relate, have fibromyalgia as well. 😦
    Stay strong, you can get through this! Just remember to ask for help where you can & face it head on & you’ll make it through 🙂

  2. Trisha says:

    I can so relate to your self-recrimination over things said and feeling like you don’t deserve the friendship of your high school friends. I’ve gone through that cycle many times and it sucks. Self forgiveness is so hard! Go easy on yourself. We’ve all made mistakes in our past and we all deserve forgiveness. Good luck with your meeting. I hope you feel some relief when that’s over. Take care.

  3. Dragnfli says:

    If your friends are still friends and holding no grudges, that means they have forgiven you or don’t think whatever you think you did has a need for forgiveness. Maybe you should just stop beating yourself up with whatever it was.
    Friends are friends and we all need them.

  4. Ms. Ladybug says:

    Try to just be okay with YOU. We both know that being okay for others when we have chronic health issues just doesn’t work. I encourage you to be grateful for that which was good (being with good girlfriends….forget the past crap…just focus on what was good and that was being with them), and the rest of it….deep breaths and move on. I too have been having some serious struggles with what do “they” think, and how can I be loveable being the way I am. So, I am giving you words of advice and encouragement out of living with it myself. Hoping the appointment with the lawyer is encouraging, as it means you are moving forward. Gentle hugs.

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