I’m so glad I posted about my anxiety yesterday. Just posting here, instead of just writing in my journal gave me the push I needed. I thought to myself, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”. Then, I made a list of what I needed to accomplish before picking up my kids from school and I dropped off the two applications I’d already filled out. Today’s goal is to do my cover letter for my resume and drop that off at a couple places. I’ll also be making a few calls to see if anyone knows of any openings in the area. Deep breath. Here we go!
I’m trying to be positive and keep an open mind, but I’m really struggling right now. I’ve decided that I NEED to work while the kids are in school. Just part-time and nothing stressful, but I’m having so much anxiety in just filling out applications. Why? I’m afraid that this is just confirming what I already suspected. The mental aspect of returning to work is going to be much more difficult than the physical. The apps are filled out. I just need to return them.
Here’s what runs constantly through my brain:
What if no one will hire you?
What if they do hire you and you can’t handle it?
Should you be printing out your resume and trying for something more than the grocery or hardware store?
And so on, over and over, until I’m a mess. I’m carrying so much anxiety in my body that I’m having fatigue and pain! I haven’t really had to deal with this in months.
At home, doing the things I do around the house, I feel great. So great, that I feel like I’m not doing enough. It’s great to have a clean house, but that’s not really helping with paying the bills. My hubby isn’t putting any pressure on me, this is all coming from myself.
I think I’m going to have to dig deep, journal some more about what I’m really afraid of. This is going to take ovaries of steel.
Note: Please read the title in Forrest Gump voice. Thank you.
Part of my trial-and-error workout program is doing what I think I will enjoy. My gut has been steering me towards running lately. Not sure where this instinct came from, but on my walks with my dog and kids, I’ve been feeling like, “I can do eet!” So I did.
I started slow, running behind Emma on her bicycle or in her Barbie Jeep. My older two came along sometimes, but mostly it was Emma, Chewie and me. I have an iPod Nano that will track my walks and my runs. The music helps me find and keep a pace. The first day, I ran sporadically, whenever Emma decided to go a little faster than a crawl. Every day, I ran a little more. Chewie, Emma and I all needed some practice coordinating who goes where and other logistics, but we have a pretty good routine down.
Well, we did. Emma just started Kindergarten yesterday. Now it’s just me and the dog, unless we go after school. After going on one previous run with just me and Chewie, I wasn’t about to run yesterday. Running without Emma to watch out for and direct allows me more time to think. If I’m not careful, I get all up in my head and forget to concentrate on how I’m running. Pretty soon, my shoulders are tense, I’m not breathing well and I’m feeling discouraged and negative and thinking on all things bad.
Here’s what I did today. When my brain started rambling, I checked in with my shoulders and loosened them up. I checked in with my breathing and made sure I was taking deep breaths and letting them out slowly. I keep my head up and looking ahead instead of looking at the ground. I made sure my chest was out, with my shoulders lowered and my tummy in. I’m not sure if I’m doing this running thing correctly, but these things all seem to make the going easier. Then, I just made a running loop in my head of all these things. Almost like meditating while running. Once you’re checking in with your body is automatic and something you don’t have to focus so much on, you go into your happy place.
When I get home, I stretch, take deep breaths and eat fresh fruit or veggies. I think it helps with any sore muscles I may have.
I’m up to a mile now. I only stop if I need to stretch something out, or if we have a situation (other dogs, Emma meltdown, etc.). I even pushed Emma on her bike, while running with Chewie and while she was screaming about her legs hurting. I feel you, Emma!
Next month, I’m playing on a rec volleyball team with my hubby. I cannot wait. I never thought I’d be able to play volleyball again. Like everything else I’m doing, I’ll stay positive, keep my head up with a smile on my face and remember to breathe. Shoulders back, check. Teeth unclenched, probably not, but that’s why I have to check. Take a deep breath in, let it out slowly. You got this.
Running soundtrack: So far I’ve run to Paramore, The Ting Tings, Panic At The Disco, Rihanna, and Young The Giant.
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