Fibronaut At Home

Gasping for Air

Anxiety is in full effect today.  I’m trying not to go into ostrich-mode, but I’ve kind of been there for the last couple weeks.  The only way I’m going to deal with this, is to get it all out.  Not exactly easy.  The holidays have me feeling vulnerable.  I have my husband’s work Christmas party to go to and I always dread those.  That’s not really what has The Hamster Wheel of Death spinning in my head.

I spent some time with friends from high school.  Felt great at the time.  After, I was full of all these self-recriminations, where I was re-visiting things I said or did and just beating myself up over them.  I know I’m supposed to acknowledge these thoughts and feelings, then see them for what they are.  I know that.  But they are still eating me up inside.  Great.  Now I’m crying.  My four year old is home and really doesn’t need to see this.  She’s watching a movie, so hopefully she doesn’t notice.  I don’t really even understand why I’m beating myself up.  I had fun.  I am able to be myself with these women.  I never feel any judgement from them, just support.  We get each other.  Part of me feels like I don’t deserve their friendship, and I suppose that could be contributing to these thoughts.  I hate myself over how I treated them years ago.

I meet with my attorney tomorrow to go over my disability case, which is putting another layer of anxiety on top of the holiday mix.  This is just a preliminary appointment to go over what to expect when I have my hearing in February.  I’m gritting my teeth, my shoulders are hunched and I have butterflies in my stomach.  I’m afraid I’ll forget something.  I’m full of what-ifs.  I’m in ostrich-mode so bad on this one.  I just want to go to sleep tonight and wake up on Thursday, with it all over and taken care of.  I don’t want to deal with it.

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One Year Blogaversary!

It’s been a crazy year.  Crazy highs.  Crazy lows.  Lots of jaw-dropping TMI and a few fat tears.  I’ve made lots of new friends, become re-acquainted with some old ones and most importantly, become re-acquainted with myself.  Besides starting my blog, I’ve also had some more memorable firsts.  Some were positive, like trying acupuncture, yoga, meditation, counseling, grounding and the hot amethyst crystal thingy my neighbor gave me.  Some were negative, like changing doctors, filing bankruptcy and becoming a disability insurance reject.  I’ve stuck with some of the positives, yoga and meditation.  The things I’ve seen as negatives have taught me more about the strength of myself and my family and really aren’t as negative as I thought they would be.

I have hobbies people!  I have a sewing machine, that I actually use!  I get all of my Mom’s material that I desire and have begun to feed a massive re-fashion habit.  I’ve always had reading but I’ve expanded my horizons this year by actually reading books that are *gasp* non-fiction.  I still read all my fun books, but it’s nice to have a little variety and be able to read my book in public without blushing.  I’ve been making a point to play some video games with my kids.  I just can’t play the fun dancing games I used to love anymore.  I love singing on Rock Band so I do that with my kiddos as much as they’ll let me.  My hubby plays Call of Duty Zombies and Halo 4 with all three of my kiddos and that keeps them happy.

I’ve made goals that I actually keep.  I hug and kiss and tell my family I love them every day.  I shower (almost) every day.  I do yoga or meditation every day.  I work on some housework every  day.  I write in my journal every day.  Some of these goals were harder than others.  Some of them I slack on from time to time.  The journal really kicks my butt some days.  I’ve learned to be more patient with me and the people around me.  Except in the morning.  I will never be patient in the morning.  The sooner the kids are out the door, the sooner I can take meds, eat breakfast and drink my coffee in peace and wait for those meds to kick in before I have to do anything, the better.

To my Mom and Mother-in-laws and anyone who ever changed my diaper as a child, you may want to stop reading here.

It wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t drop some major TMI.  My hubby and I have been having the most wonderful sex lately.  We will have been married 13 years, this June and I just want to shout it from the mountain top that we are happily, hornily married.  The worst and I mean THE WORST part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome was not being in the mood and even when we did manage for all the stars to align, the kids to be out cold, and the bedroom door locked, not being satisfied at the end.  No O.  Horrible.  Being able to enjoy sex again, priceless. I’d like to thank my very understanding, patient and tireless hubby.  I’d also like to thank all the lovely ladies at the library who don’t even blink an eye when checking me out every erotic novel in the library’s stacks.  I’d also like to thank the one guy who works at the library for finally refraining from commenting on every naughty cover of every naughty book I check out.

Okay Mom etc.  You can start reading again.

I really want to thank my family and friends for all the love and support you’ve thrown my way this year.  I love you all and can’t wait to share more laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, fears and of course, TMI with you.

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Do-whack-a-do-whack-a-do

It has been 5 weeks since I’ve written anything.  Consequently, the little hamster in my head feels like he’s cornered with no chance of escape.  I’ve been fighting panic and anxiety.  My disability appeal with the long-term disability company was denied.  I haven’t been keeping my daily goal of writing in my journal or doing meditation or yoga every day but I have kept my goal of showering, washing dishes or laundry and hugging and kissing the kids and hubby and telling them “I love you.”

I have started seeing a therapist.  She is awesome.  This is my first foray into therapy so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but so far I am really liking her approach, which is holistic and I’m feeling positive that she can help me.  My parents even commented on how much better my attitude seemed and that was after only one session.  I was debating whether to write about this or not.  Then I read a blog post by Halfway Between The Gutter And The Stars and I felt like I needed to put this out there.  I realized that whether people reading this would judge me was not important.  Therapy is helping me.  I’m not a bad person because I need it.  I’m broken and I’ve been broken for a long time.  Taking this step was huge for me.

Whacks, according to my therapist, are those automatic thoughts that pop in your head where you put yourself down or others put you down.  So, here’s to whacking myself less and loving myself more.

Side Note:  If you aren’t familiar with Roger Miller, he is the best.

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Advice Please

I’m still waiting to hear on my disability appeal.  According to the disability company, they have reached out to my doctor and he hasn’t responded and according to my doctor’s office, they haven’t heard anything.  I just don’t know what to do.  We have no money and going to this doctor is already problematic because he is so far away.  My hubby drives me to my Mom the night before appointment, which is 3 hours round-trip and then my Mom takes me to my appointment and drives me home with is another 3 hours round-trip for her.  I just don’t know if it is worth it to continue seeing this doctor.  What to do?  I’m pretty close to just finding another doctor but with the appeal process being an ongoing thing I don’t want to chance them denying me again while I’m in between appointments.  That is what started this whole mess.  Also, the doctor I’m seeing now charges $50.00 any time he has to fill out disability paperwork, which is not in our budget at all and would be a monthly expense if I was re-approved.  The thing I really like about him is that he thinks outside-the-box in regards to this illness and has helped me more than any other doctor I’ve seen.  Ugh.  I hate this.

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Gluten Intolerance

I haven’t actually been diagnosed, except by my very wonderful acupuncturist, but having been off gluten for a month, I can report that I do feel much better.  If I needed any confirmation, I have it today.  We had dinner at Red Lobster last night and having been shut-down on a gluten-free menu so many times before, I didn’t even ask for it.  I had the maple glazed chicken with wild rice pilaf and broccoli.  This morning, I woke up hurting much worse than usual.  I called Red Lobster, had it confirmed that they do use wheat flour in the glaze but that they have a gluten-free menu that you can ask for.  So, if you’re thinking of going gluten-free, be sure to ask, even if the majority of people look at you like you’re speaking another language.

In the meds front, I’m trying to get off of the suboxone that I’ve been taking to help with the withdrawals and pain associated with addiction to opiates.  Not that I’m an addict.  I haven’t had one craving for my old pain pills, which didn’t help my pain at all.  Thanks to the neurologist that I used to see, as I think I’ve mentioned before, I was on narcotics for no good reason.  He was a jerk, who didn’t believe I was sick, so I’m glad I’m not seeing him anymore.  When I went to my new pain doctor, he explained that someone with fibromyalgia should never be put on narcotics.

My disability company called me yesterday to inform me that they would no longer be paying my claim.  No doctor filled out the work restrictions and there isn’t sufficient evidence to support my claim of fibromyalgia.  First of all, I didn’t diagnose myself, the a fore mentioned douche-bag, I mean, neurologist said that’s what I had.  Second of all, I called my current doctor, I’ll call him Dr. Wonderful, because the combo of him and his nursing staff are the bomb, and they never received the fax requesting work restrictions.  The disability company goes by the national norm for my job, which they consider a sedentary position and they think I can do that.  They don’t look at my specific employer and what they expect of me, which was to do the job of three or four people.  They look at what a loan processor is, probably at a big company, where everyone sits in their cubicle all day.  That was nowhere near what was expected of me, not to mention that doing the job of three people gives you the stress load of three people.

They also called me on a Friday afternoon, to tell me that they’d be mailing me a letter and I could see it then.  I was seeing red at this point, but did call back to ask them to fax it to me.  Reading the letter made me even more mad, especially the comments that the douche-bag, I mean neurologist, made about me walking with my young child.  Not carrying her.  Holding her hand and walking with her.  The ass also said that I always seemed better after the appointments and never seemed fatigued.  Could it be that I was more warmed up and able to move better after having been up and around?  How could he tell me that I needed to exercise and walking was a good exercise and then damn me by saying I was walking better at the end of the appointment?  I do have fatigue!  Every day!  Is he with me 24/7 to see that?  I guess I should’ve cancelled my appointments on my good days and only gone in on my horrible ones!

Lastly, I’m dealing with the shock of the mass-shooting at a theater that I used to go to, in my home-town of Aurora, Colorado.  It is 10 minutes from my Mom’s house and 2 minutes from where I used to work in high school.  The guy lived 5 minutes from my Mom’s house.  I just can’t believe that this would happen.  He killed kids.  My father-in-law wants to take my kids to see Batman today and I want them to go and have fun, but I’m scared.  What if there are copy-cats?  I’ll go see Ice Age with my three-year-old while my hubby and father-in-law take the older kids to Batman, but I’ll be worrying about them the entire time.  I really hope that people don’t judge Aurora or Colorado badly, from this one incident.  I have to point out that this person was from California and was only in Colorado going to college.  I would like anyone reading this to say a prayer for the victims and their families.  Hug your kiddos and loved ones a little tighter, even if it hurts.

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