Fibronaut At Home

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!

I just had to.  We love watching soccer, but don’t actually watch a lot of it.  The World Cup has reminded us of our love for the game.  With our budget, we are on the family plan of Directv, and consequently, most of the games we watch are on the Spanish channel.  We don’t speak Spanish, but they sure add some excitement to the game.

Moving on….

This post has been simmering in my mind for a while now.  Setting goals for myself has been one of the most effective tools in my road to wellness.  I had to look back at my journal to find these.  I started simply, picked  goals that were the most important to me.  1.  Write in journal.  2.  Meditate.  3.  Yoga.  4.  Hug, kiss, love family.

These were my first goals that I set on November 7, 2012.  It is awesome to look back and see how far I’ve come!  At that point, I had started recording what I ate and what I did throughout the day to try and track where my pain was at and really focus on what I was putting into my body.  It really gave me a good idea of what I needed to change in my eating habits.

I found a revised set of goals on July 9, 2013.  1.  Shower.  2.  Journal.  3.  Meditate.  4.  Love.  The simplicity of this list may seem pointless to some, but at that time, I couldn’t handle more than that.  Those were the things I knew I needed to do to heal myself.  

I found “BABY STEPS” written in the margins a couple times and also this list of steps that I felt would help me “be healthy and happy both mentally and physically”.  1.  Focus on the positive.  2.  Offer encouragement.  3.  Yell less, hug more.  4.  Be a better listener.  5.  Be conscious of what you say.

By August 6, 2013, my goals had expanded to add friendship, blog, sew and clean.  I stopped writing in my journal after that.  At this point, I was trying to add getting my kids to school in the morning to my list.  That turned out to be a little too much for my energy level and our budget.  My husband was going that way so it made more sense for him to take them.  I let myself go backwards at that point.  I felt like I had no reason to get up in the morning.  Even if your life changes, there are certain things that are good to keep.  Getting up in the morning with my kids gave me time with them and I felt better with a set wake up time.

February 2014, I got back to my sleep schedule.  I set my alarm for 7 am whether I have anywhere to go or not.  I try to go to bed at the same time, knowing that even if I don’t or if something wakes me up (like my 5 year old kicking me in the face), I don’t have to let that ruin my day.  March 31, 2014, I started journaling again, keeping track of what I did all day; writing down what I was doing and the time I started.  My journal sat on the kitchen counter.  I was amazed by all that I accomplished in a day.  Writing down the time I started something made it crystal clear how long or short tasks took me to complete.  When you are on the internet or watching television all day, you lose so much time.  Tracking my time made me aware of how I was spending my time and let me set goals to spend that time better.

I set goals again, but they expanded beyond what I ever thought I’d be capable of again; feed the cats; straighten the bed; shower; clean the cat litter; dishes; straighten the bathroom.  I started with those things and built upon them.  It became a challenge to me.  I even wrote “no excuses” a couple of times.  There was no judgement if one day’s list was longer than another day’s.  Being kind to yourself, forgiving yourself and loving yourself is key.

May 21, 2014 was the last day I kept track of what I did all day.  I started to notice I was writing less and less of what I’d done with the time; not because I wasn’t doing anything, but because I was doing so much that it became tedious to stop by my journal all the time.  I feel so positive now, that I don’t need to chronicle every little achievement.  I can look at something, see the changes I’ve made in that part of my environment and feel pride in myself.  I don’t look at the things I do with a critical eye and I don’t talk down to myself.

I’m still the same person, I just look at everything differently.  I don’t wish things were different, I make them better, or I let it go.  It is a beautiful way to be.  Yesterday was kind of rough.  We did so much the two days prior and went to bed so late, that I was dragging butt all day long.  We went to a late lunch and then to an arcade/mini-golf place.  I mostly sat and read, while I let everyone else run after kids.  I just didn’t have any fuel in the tank.  And it was okay.  I was there, even if I wasn’t up to participating, I was there.

Today, I’ve already checked my garden, watered the lawn, posted to both blogs, and started laundry.  I have plans to finish laundry, weed the garden, do my Zumba DVD, and finish a skirt I started sewing last week.  I may even do more than that, but even if I don’t, it’ll still be okay.

2 Comments »

Finding A Workout that Works For You

*I am not a doctor.  Consult your doctor before starting any workout program.*

When I was first diagnosed with fibro, this was one of the biggest challenges I faced.  Every doctor I visited and every book I read said, “Do yoga.”  For me, going to a class was out of the question.  I was depressed and full of anxiety in relation to how others saw me.  My spirit was in the fetal position unable to handle anyone’s criticism, no matter how compassionate.  To me, no one understood the pain I was going through.  I checked out numerous DVD’s from my library and got seriously frustrated.  I couldn’t make it through the warm-ups on those DVD’s.  I gave up.  I told myself I wasn’t going to get anywhere exercising.  I told one of my doctors that I didn’t have time to exercise.  What I meant was that I had limited time in my day.  If I had the energy to do anything, it wasn’t going to be exercise; it was going to be something for my hubby or kids like housework or doing something with them.

Here’s what I figured out in doing housework; I was working out!  Every load of clothes I separated, every time I loaded or unloaded the dishwasher, I was exercising.  When I was warmed up, I would stretch out the muscles that were tightening.  I started to tweak the way I did some chores as I noticed that doing them more often made them easier.  Getting things done makes me feel good.  When I notice something out of place or dirty and I take care of it, BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, instant mood booster.  It was through housework exercising that I first started losing weight and inches.  (Getting off of narcotics and Lyrica and Cymbalta helped also.)

I also finally found a workout DVD that I could do.  That’s right.  One DVD is all it took to start getting my body back.  Healing Yoga for Aches and Pains started me on my path to wellness.  There are a lot of moves on the ground and sitting down.  I did hurt my back once when I got a little too enthusiastic with my stretching.  Go slow and don’t worry if you feel like you’re not really working out.  The best workouts don’t feel like workouts at all.  My favorite part is the last, where you are laying on the floor with your legs resting on a chair and just breathing.  That move always leaves me feeling centered and ready to conquer anything.

Now that I’ve been building my muscles, I’ve been trying some regular workout DVD’s.  I’ve always liked dance workouts and games.  We traded in all my dance games when I thought I’d never be able to do them again.  Now I want them all back.  I really like Zumba.  There are tons of options in the Zumba workout DVD’s and I’ve checked out a couple of them from the library.  My favorite dances are the salsa and the Mexican dances.  They have a special name but I can’t remember it and both times I tried to search for it, I even confused Google.  Ha!  There are some that I don’t like, so I skip them.  At first, I couldn’t figure out the Calypso moves.  They were too fast and there was too much hopping that I couldn’t figure out.  The last time I did a Zumba DVD, I tried the Calypso steps and was able to do them!  Made me feel great.  I love that they have choices between just dancing and having the instructors tell you what to do.  I started out learning all the moves.  Now I can do the dance party.  Just a warning, Zumba is addictive.  I find myself thinking of Zumba moves whenever I listen to music.  I always dance around the house, but now I’m Zumba-ing around the house.  My 5 year old loves it and is doing it too.

I’ve also tried a Hula DVD, Island Girl Dance Fitness Workout for Beginners: Hula Abs and Buns.  It is easy and low impact.  The most difficult move is a lunge move but you can always skip moves that you find too difficult or that might cause you pain.  I love this DVD because you learn an entire dance while working out.  By the end, you combine all the moves in a dance.  I am a fan of workouts that make me feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end.

After being turned off by all the corny belly dance DVD’s that I tried, I finally found one that I like.  There were several belly dance DVD’s that I couldn’t get through the first move they were so corny (Here’s looking at you Goddess Workout).  A huge high-five to my kids for not cracking up at the corniness of The Goddess Workout: Intro to Belly Dance before I did.  The DVD I did today was Belly Dance Fitness for Weight Loss featuring Rania: Hip Hop Hip Drop.  They go through the moves slowly at first and then speed them up.  You learn an entire dance with this one too, combining all the moves into a dance at the end.  If you don’t like Hip Hop music, don’t worry.  There isn’t any Hip Hop.  I’ve just requested Belly Dance Fitness for Weight Loss featuring Rania: Cardio Shimmy.  If you find something you like, look for other things like that to keep your workout interesting.

As with everything else in wellness, it is a learning process.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  Also, just because something worked once, doesn’t mean it’s going to always be for you.  My example of this came through a DVD that I used to own pre-fibro and decided to try because I remembered how much I liked it before.  10 Minute Solution: Pilates used to be my favorite thing to do.  I did the 10 minute ab workout 2 or 3 days ago.  My abs are still screaming.  Pilates is definitely not for me at this time.  Maybe I’ll go back to it later, but right now it is not for me.  The belly dance DVD helped with the soreness in my abs, but I’ve learned my lesson there.

If you are doing a workout and there is a part of it that you dread to the point where it keeps you from working out at all, then don’t do it.  Find another option.  If you are bored by any of your workout, don’t torture yourself through it.  Don’t give up, find another way.  Try, try, try and try again.  I even ran today.  I was in my pajamas and trying not to get hit by the sprinkler, but I ran.  It didn’t even hurt.  I’ve even been thinking of going for a run with the kids.  Forget walking!

I don’t write this to hurt anyone else’s feelings or make you feel like you aren’t doing enough.  That is for you to decide.  If you think you should be doing more, then do it.  Encouragement!

Image

 Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes! 

Image

4 Comments »

Day Dreaming

I was just looking at the houses for sale in the community that me and the hubby have always dreamed of living.  After all the coulda-woulda-shoulda’s and all the disappointments of the last couple years, it’s really nice to have dreams again.  I’m filled with hope.  Our day will come and hopefully we’ll appreciate it all the more.  For three years, my only focus has been fibro and CFS; How I’m feeling and not much else.  I feel like I have a new focus.

The hubby and I had a conversation while in a meeting the other day.  I found out that he isn’t all that concerned about me going back to work.  I just assumed that was the end goal.  Turns out he likes me staying at home, taking care of the kids and me.  How lucky am I?  For now I’m just home with the kids for the summer.  Next year I’ll try my hand at volunteering at their schools, maybe join the PTO.  It’s really fun to torment my 12 year old that I can’t wait to see him when I volunteer at his school next year.  Maybe I’ll have to start using that as a reward; Do this for me and I won’t show up at your school next year.

I’ve even been socializing.  GASP!  I’ve been socializing and not over-thinking every conversation or re-playing every moment and judging myself.  If I find myself starting that mess, I just say out loud, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”  Sometimes, I even Richard Smiley it and go look in the mirror.  Say it with me: “I’m good enough.  I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

I still want to write on my sewing blog more.  I let it go as long as I’m taking the time to sew instead.  I have lost a little weight and gained a little muscle, so I need to take in some of my clothes too.  I’ve even been doing workout videos.  Real ones.  Not just yoga for aches and pains and arthritis and older people.  I did Zumba and I did a hula one.  When somebody tooties their flutie, I gots to shake my booty (Donkey from Shrek), and now I can do it without hurting myself.

My house is clean.  This deserves it’s own paragraph because, holy crap, it’s freaking amazing.  It’s clean and I did most of it.  The trick is, once you get something clean, you clean it again before it’s at the FUBAR level.  My living room gets vacuumed every other day and the toilet gets cleaned whenever it looks even a little bit dirty.  I do dishes after every meal and I do laundry twice a week.  I don’t sit down on the couch.  That used to be my spot.  I close all the recliners, fold all the blankets and stack the pillows, so I’m not tempted.  As soon as my bed is empty, I make it.  I am much more reluctant to mess it up after I take the time to make it pretty.

I’ve struggled a little with people’s reactions to how much better I’m feeling.  It’s not a miracle, just a lot of little things that I’m doing right.  I don’t allow negative thoughts and I shake off any negative feelings.  I stay positive and when I feel myself slipping, I write in my positivity journal and I listen to my upbeat, encouraging music.  I started small.  Small goals and small jobs around the house.  Every day I added new goals or I cleaned one more thing.  I’m going to paint a sign to hang above my front door that says, “Make today awesome.”  I want my whole family to experience the happiness and contentment I’m feeling right now.  I didn’t write about this sooner because I didn’t want to jinx it.  Now, I’m not going to shut up about it.

4 Comments »

New Philosophy

I have been doing everything differently the last couple months.  It has worked so well, that I can’t help but share.

I’ve been really working on staying positive in every moment of my day.  I’m so sensitive, everything in my environment affects my emotions.  People, places, music, atmosphere, things I’m reading or watching; You name it and it probably has an affect on how I’m feeling.  I start out my day with music that makes me happy, makes we want to dance or makes me want to sing.  If I feel a little blue, I don’t examine those feelings.  I’ve noticed, that if I get all up in my feelings early in the morning, it becomes more difficult to get out of them.  Setting the tone for the day as one for positivity and accomplishing goals has been the most important change I’ve made in my life.

I recently read an article (http://www.weather.com/health/why-its-better-be-morning-person-20140407) on The Weather Channel about how morning sunlight can affect your body.  As soon as I wake up in the morning, I open the shades, curtains, and if it’s warm enough, the front door.  I’m less likely to stay sitting on the couch when the sunlight is shining in.  I’ve been keeping to a schedule of waking up at the same time, even on the weekend.  No sleeping in for me.  I take less naps and have less fatigue during the day.  If I do get fatigued, I need less rest before I can get going again.

I have been spending less time on the couch and lost in the internet.  Accomplishing this is easier than it seems.  I started with the goals that I wanted to be off the couch by 10 am and showered by noon.  In one month, I am off the couch by 9 am and I feel guilty if I haven’t showered by 11 am.  I think I am most proud of this achievement.  Yesterday, I wasn’t on the couch, but I was on the internet for 3 hours in the morning.  I had such a hard time getting going after that, and while I made my goals for the day, I did little else.  Today, I decided to start things off positive and to limit my internet this morning.  It is almost 11 am and I’ve already done dishes (what little there was, I’ll go into that later), started laundry and showered.  I’m resting on the couch now, but blogging, which is okay, because I know I’ll be up after I finish this post.

The next change I’ve made has to do with time management.  This is so important for me, because I have a deep need to feel like I’m contributing to my household.  The more time I spend accomplishing tasks, the less time I spend on the couch.  I used to get fulfillment in this area from work.  Since I can no longer work, I have to find other ways to contribute.  I do this through housework, being there for my kids and my hubby and sewing.  If I try to examine in my head what I’ve accomplished during the day, I get stuck in my head.  Other thoughts pop in that are unnecessary, hurtful to myself and I forget a lot of what I’ve done.  To combat my bad memory and my negative thoughts, I’ve started to keep an accounting of what I’m doing during the day and how long these tasks take me.  My system is very simple.  I write down the time I’m starting an activity and what it is.  When I start a new task, I write down that start time.  Sometimes I combine activities or make notations in the sidelines if I forget to write down a time.  That’s it.  I don’t examine this later.  There are no judgments later, no in depth study of what I’ve done.  I just keep track and that helps me to recognize that I’m accomplishing more than I think.

I’ve been able to get more accomplished in my day and have added more goals.  My daily goals in the previous year have been to shower, journal or meditate, hug/kiss my kids and hubby and tell them I love them, and work on dishes or laundry.  I have since realized that there is more to most of my days than just that.  I feed my cats and clean their litter every day.  I straighten my bed and straighten the bathroom every day.  Just having those little things done, gives me something to be happy about.  I sew or look for inspiration for my sewing every day.  When I do get on the internet, I spend more time on Pinterest and less time on Facebook.

I’ve completely changed my philosophy on housework.  With housework, the more frequently you do something, the easier it is.  In the past, I let laundry pile up, dishes pile up, dust pile up.  I didn’t sweep or mop until the floor was so dirty and sticky, that I couldn’t stand it anymore.  I wrote before of trying to do laundry every day, but that was just too much.  I had the right idea, but the wrong plan.  Now, I try to do laundry as soon as the hamper in the bathroom is full.  This is the hamper that fills up the fastest and the one I see all the time.  Since the other hampers aren’t full yet, I end up with smaller loads.  Smaller loads are easier to haul, take less time to fold and take less energy all together, thereby making it much easier to pace myself while doing them.  It was kind of a “DUH!” moment for me when I realized how much easier it was to get laundry done when my loads were smaller.

I’ve been loading the dishwasher after meals and soaking pans right away (most of the time).  It takes about 5 minutes to scrape and rinse the dishes and throw them in the dishwasher.  Then, when the dishwasher is getting near full, I make a note on my daily accounting to remind myself to start the dishwasher after the next meal.  I also put the dishes away the same day they finish washing.  Then, I’m not tempted to let dishes pile up in the sink.  Soaking the pans make washing them so much easier.  That sounds like a no-brainer, but I had a hard time with pots before because I would try to scrub them like I was my pre-fibro self.  My cast iron skillets get scrubbed with hot water right away or they get boiled first.  I also wipe off my counters every day.  Seeing a clean counter, like having my bed straightened and my bathroom counters clean, give me a little boost of positive energy.

I’ve also been keeping up with my kitchen floors.  If I sweep a couple times a week and mop at least once a week, it takes me half the time that it used to.  I wipe off the toilet if it’s getting nasty and do the same thing with the bathroom counters and sink.  Spending 5 minutes of straightening each little part of my house, even resting in between, I can keep my house looking almost decent.  I’m still working on the vacuuming.  Our vacuum went kaput from all the long hair getting tangled in the roller and my hubby couldn’t fix it, which turned out to be a good thing.  We started using our old vacuum instead.  It is lighter and easier to push across the floor, so I can vacuum small areas.  Last week, I dusted for the first time in months.  I’ve always hated dusting, so I’m hoping I can keep up on this.  I’ve accepted that ceiling fans will never be something I can clean.  The hubby will have to do these and I will have to be persistent but patient in getting him to do these.

I hope you stuck with me through this post.  I know it’s long, but I hope it helps someone.  You can do this.  I know you can.  Keep positive, smile and be awesome.  I love you all.

4 Comments »

Random Cleaning: The Happiness Booster

I have discovered something.  Just cleaning one little random thing a day, makes me happy.  Here is the trick.  Pick something that has been bugging you lately.  For instance, yesterday, I picked the shelf in my bathroom.  It’s dusty.  I see it every day and every day, it’s sticking its tongue out at me, saying, “Look at me!  And there’s nothing you can do about it!”  So I moved crap off of it and dusted it yesterday.  Instant boost to my happiness factor.  There are things I have to do every day, like dishes, showering and picking up the kids from school.  Just because those take the majority of my energy, doesn’t mean I can’t sneak in one little task that makes me feel just a little bit more in control of my day.  I don’t go crazy.  I didn’t clean the rest of the bathroom.  Just that one little thing made my day.

4 Comments »

If It Ain’t Broke…

This post has been a couple months in the making.  In my life pre-fibro, I was a pretty efficient person.  If I could, I cut out unnecessary steps wherever, whether at work or home.  Post-fibro, I’ve had to become much more of a pacer.  Getting the job done without hurting myself, has become my main priority.  Last month I had an epiphany.  I thought that I could make laundry easier on myself, if I worked on it every day.  I decided that if I washed, dried and folded a load, every day, I’d always be “caught up” because I would not longer have baskets full of dirty, washed, dried, or folded laundry.  No more laundry purgatory.

Boy was I wrong.  The biggest obstacle was having to work on laundry every day, whether I felt like a lump of doggie doo or not.  The bad days were bad.  We have four laundry hampers, which I would dig through, looking for the specific load I was washing that day.  Then, the next day, I’d have to pick a new load to wash.  Basically, every day, when I’d just start to feel like I could maybe accomplish something, I’d have to do the thing I hate most in this world.  Not surprisingly, after two weeks of this, I gave up.  Even though I thought I’d been washing each type of load equally, my son ran out of pants and underwear, so at least two types of load were being missed.  Plus, some days, especially the doggie doo days, I “forgot” to work on laundry.

The good days, I had no trouble doing the one load, but then other things were being put off.  In using all that energy just for the laundry, which I think I mentioned I hate doing, I wouldn’t feel like getting anything else done.  When I do dishes, the natural progression is to clean counter tops and then all those clean spaces make me want to clean the floor.  Getting a load of laundry done, when the hamper still has a ton of clothes in it doesn’t entice me to do anything but wash more laundry.  As long as I’m digging through the laundry looking for a specific type of load, I might as well separate it all and keep washing.  If I’m able to get all the loads washed and dried, I can enlist people to help me fold and put away.  At least they are clean, so even if they don’t get put away, people can dig for what they need.  I just have to get better at ignoring baskets of clean laundry, no matter what state it’s in, when I don’t have the ability to get it folded or put away.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the way I do laundry may not be very efficient and it may take me 4 days minimum to finish, but it works.  I might not be very efficient any more, but I’m not twiddling my thumbs either.

3 Comments »

Give Thanks Not Spanks

 

Give Thanks Not Spanks is what I’m calling this weekend.  My kids are being kids and I’m not worrying about anything.  I want to enjoy my family, eat a lot of good food, watch football, watch any corny T.V. specials that are on and that is it.  No mas.  I’m not going to worry about laundry, dishes, dirty floors or any other housework related thing.  I’m going to do what is necessary and no more.

I’m especially not going to let any of the drama that can be associated with family gatherings touch me.  I am a bubble of happiness.  I am the unicorn, farting glitter, spreading rainbows wherever she goes.  I am making cheesy potatoes and spinach stuffed mushrooms and you can eat them or don’t, because if you don’t, that just means there’s more for me.  I am painting my nails in a turkey/thanksgiving theme and maybe my toenails too.  That is it.  I’ll help clean up after dinner, but that is it.

Kids:  If you need something, you better ask your Dad, because I am relaxing this weekend. 

Hubby:  If you need something, get it yourself.

Just kidding.  You can ask me and I might help you out, but only if I was already getting up.  Otherwise, refer to the previous note.

And if you thought this post was going to be about the body shapers, Spanx, I’m so sorry to disappoint.  I’ve never worn Spanx, nor do I plan to ever wear them in the future, so you’ll have to go somewhere else for any Spanx related hijinks.  Although, I’m pretty sure that if you gave someone Spanx on Thanksgiving, they’d probably cross you off their invite list for the next year.  So, if you’re invited somewhere and you’d rather not go, give them Spanx.  You are welcome.

2 Comments »

Jury is Still Out

I can’t sleep.  Apparently, the Nuvigil I took at 9 am is still affecting me at 11 pm.  Yay.

On the plus side, I did get the majority of the laundry separated into baskets for folding at some point this week.  I did get the dishwasher unloaded and everything was clean.  Hell yeah!  Washing the dishes on the cycle designed for pots and pans really does save time and water!  I didn’t have to cook dinner because the hubby brought home Wendy’s for dinner.  Then, after the kids went to bed, since I was riding a high from actually accomplishing WAY more than I thought I’d be able to do, we got a little quality time (wink, wink).  It feels like I won the lottery tonight.

I am not talking about the pain, because then it knows I feel it and I’m not giving the pain that satisfaction.  Take that Pain!

The Nuvigil worked wonders today, except for the fact that I am now, at 11 pm, WIDE AWAKE.  I’m going to listen to Bedtime Beats, The Secret to Sleep and do a jigsaw puzzle online.  That usually helps me get to sleep.  Really crossing my fingers here.  I’m not even going to think about the amount of pain all this activity is going to cause tomorrow.  You will not win Pain!

One more thing: My hubby is pretty freaking awesome.  I forget to mention that sometimes, but seriously, if I could clone him and give every single one of you, one of him, I would.  Maybe I will rent him out.  Then, I will sort of be bringing in income.  Do you think he’d go for that?  Tell me what you need done, I’ll send him over.

5 Comments »

I Hate it When I am Right

Nuvigil gave me the energy and alertness I needed to safely get my son to his doctor’s appointment.  I was able to go to the grocery store for his meds as well.  Getting home was a little more tricky.  The painful spasms started about the same time the nausea and fatigue arrived; on the drive home.  I drank green tea so that I could get my daughter from school.  Got the dishes thrown in the dishwasher.  I’m scared to check if they’re clean or not, since I didn’t pre-rinse.  The laundry is kind of happening.  No folding.  Just finishing washing and drying and then separating into rooms.  My daughter has one basket; my son has another; then I have one with my clothes, my husband’s clothes and my littlest daughter’s clothes; the last basket has the load with all the small towels and socks in it.  Not sure how this is all going to shake out.  We might be basket diving for the near future for all socks, underwear and small towels.

My shoulders, neck and hips are really angry at me right now, as are all the muscles in my face.  Too much talking to kids and doctors and grocery store people and way too much driving.  If I could find a way to drive that didn’t require me to move my neck, I would have it made.

I have a theory with this Nuvigil nonsense.  I think that although the Nuvigil does give me alertness, it also wakes me up enough for me to really notice how much I freaking hurt.  I’m trying to have an open mind about this, because I’m aware of how bitter I am toward the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies after all this Fibro/CFS mess.  My doctor didn’t recommend I take Nuvigil every day, just when I “have to get something done”.  I still want to laugh hysterically when I repeat his words to myself.  I am a wife and a mother of three.  I have shiznit to do every day, that has to be done, that I don’t get to because of pain and fatigue.

Here comes the Mommy guilt.  I can think of several times in just the past two months, where I couldn’t be there for my kids.  What if I had just tried taking the Nuvigil?  There’s a possibility I could have gone to my son’s cross-country banquet or two of my daughter’s helper days at preschool.  Those are just the things I’ve missed that I can think of.  Even if I think I’ll feel well enough to do something important for my kids, maybe I should just start the day with the Nuvigil, thus improving my chances of being there for my kids?

As always, the work question is in the back of my mind.  Could Nuvigil give me the extra oomph I need to go back to work?  I just don’t know.  I don’t think I could concentrate at all with the pain I would have, even if I was more alert.  I don’t handle stress well at all.  All it takes is a little bit of stress and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function.  Let’s say I have the easiest job on the planet, whatever that might be, I would be required to move and movement, especially repetitive movement brings pain.  Even with the Nuvigil, I still got fatigued and nauseated.

On a good day, I can do about an hour of activity, before the fatigue really kicks my butt.  The pain is always fluctuating and no matter how good a day is, I usually have pain.  I can’t tell you how many days I had at my old job, where I was yawning all the time, no matter how much coffee I drank or what I ate.  There were days when I called in, simply because I was tired.  There were days where I could barely sit at my desk.  Is there any job I could do?  I honestly don’t know.

The disability company that was paying me, but dropped me, said they thought I could be a teller in a bank again.  I disagree, obviously, which is why I’m applying for Social Security Disability.  How would I handle money all day?  Write?  Get people’s transactions correct?  The problem with Fibro/CFS is that one problem compounds on top of others, until you aren’t able to function in even the smallest way.  All the pain, the fatigue, the fog, the stress, anxiety, depression, weather changes, etc. would combine and I wouldn’t last a week.  I’m not being pessimistic.  I’m being realistic.

Thanks for reading, if you’re still with me at this point.  I had no idea I had all of that in me, but it feels good to get it out.  The hamster in my head just lost 50 pounds.  I’ll let you know tomorrow if I’m able to sleep tonight or not.  Right now, I feel like I could go to sleep, but if I take a nap now, I might be up the rest of the night.

1 Comment »

Just One More Thing

I’ve been fighting a stupid cold for what I think is a month, but I’m not sure, ’cause my memory sucks.  Now my son is sick and I have to take him to the doctor today.  The sky is overcast and everything hurts.  I’m tired.  I’m whiny.  Somebody bitch-slap me via internet, STAT!

I’ve been trying to not let the weather determine my attitude about how my days going to go.  Does that make sense?  I always check the weather, and I get cranky when I see temperatures fluctuating drastically between days.  Ten° F isn’t bad.  Twenty or more °F  between days, especially when it goes 60°F to 40°F to 60°F again, and I get perturbed.  When we went to Vegas this summer, it was over 100°F every day, but it was constant, no fluctuation, dry heat and I had some of my best days this year there.

Laundry is going, which means I’m recovering from all the separating I did yesterday.  My hubby tried to help me last night and probably wanted to strangle me when I hollered down the stairs that he needed to completely change the settings he had on the dryer and the washer.  Seriously, I was half asleep, but I could hear him “helping” and I just knew he was going to shrink everything.  And he would have.  He had a load of delicates on “heavy duty” in the dryer, which means high heat and forever long, and another load of delicates in the washer on “normal”, which means warm heat and as rough as a mechanical bull.

Dishes are piled up.  We have zero clean forks.  All the back up plastic forks are used as well.  I have zero clean large coffee cups and zero clean travel mugs.  We are almost out of clean bowls.  My hubby cooked dinner last night, so I have that horror show to clean up as well.  If I don’t get a load of dishes run today, we will be eating cereal out of cups, and everything will be finger food by default.  I’m considering trying the cycle where I don’t have to rinse anything before I put it in the dishwasher.  That’s not how I do things though, so it’ll be interesting if I can even load the dishwasher without rinsing.

Because have all this on my plate, I am on trial number three of Nuvigil.  My doctor says that some people love it.  The first time I took it (a quarter of a pill, as my doctor recommended) I had all the energy in the world, but my pain was off the charts.  The second time I took it, I waited too long to decide that I wasn’t coming out of my slump and needed it, took it in the afternoon (Stupida!) and couldn’t fall asleep that night.  Today, I took it at 9 am, so hopefully it helps me get all this crap done.  I am expecting my pain to be off the charts again, though.  I already know what happens when I have a good day and don’t pace myself.  An artificially manufactured good day?  I can’t afford to pace myself and I’ll probably end up doing way too much and needing three days just to recover.

 

4 Comments »

ultimatemindsettoday

A great WordPress.com site

The Better Man Project ™

a journey into the depths

theGoodVader

Growth, together

The Elephant in the Room

Writing about my experiences with: depression, anxiety, OCD and Aspergers

mystical lunarose

Chronic pain, Rhumatoid Arthritis, Alapecia Areata,Rants, and Raves

My Journey 2 Scratch

"The secrets to life are hidden behind the word cliché" - Shay Butler

just a dad with disney questions

reading into things way too much...

hessianwithteeth

This site is all about ideas

Im ashamed to die until i have won some victory for humanity.(Horace Mann)

Domenic Garisto/havau22.com / IF YOU CAN'T BE THE POET, BE THE POEM (David Carradine) LIFE IS NOT A REHERSAL,SO LIVE IT.

Envision Your Future Online

Helping you Improve your Online Business

ultimatemindsettoday

A great WordPress.com site

Hodgepodge 4 the Soul™

Living Life with Jesus

Salty*mom

Tutorials and Ideas for the love of DIY

Rentbillow's Blog

"RentBillow" spelled backwards is "WolliBtner" which means "awesome" in a language I just made up.

takingthemaskoff

addiction mental health stigma

Dr. Patty's Chronic-Intractable Pain and You Sites, Inc.

Always A Safe and Nonjudgmental Place To Talk About Your Chronic Pain

Take-Two Style

A new style…all preloved, recycled and 'economical'

Let's Face the Music

Renovating an old house by a musical couple who want to live there the rest of their lives.