Fibronaut At Home

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!!!

I just had to.  We love watching soccer, but don’t actually watch a lot of it.  The World Cup has reminded us of our love for the game.  With our budget, we are on the family plan of Directv, and consequently, most of the games we watch are on the Spanish channel.  We don’t speak Spanish, but they sure add some excitement to the game.

Moving on….

This post has been simmering in my mind for a while now.  Setting goals for myself has been one of the most effective tools in my road to wellness.  I had to look back at my journal to find these.  I started simply, picked  goals that were the most important to me.  1.  Write in journal.  2.  Meditate.  3.  Yoga.  4.  Hug, kiss, love family.

These were my first goals that I set on November 7, 2012.  It is awesome to look back and see how far I’ve come!  At that point, I had started recording what I ate and what I did throughout the day to try and track where my pain was at and really focus on what I was putting into my body.  It really gave me a good idea of what I needed to change in my eating habits.

I found a revised set of goals on July 9, 2013.  1.  Shower.  2.  Journal.  3.  Meditate.  4.  Love.  The simplicity of this list may seem pointless to some, but at that time, I couldn’t handle more than that.  Those were the things I knew I needed to do to heal myself.  

I found “BABY STEPS” written in the margins a couple times and also this list of steps that I felt would help me “be healthy and happy both mentally and physically”.  1.  Focus on the positive.  2.  Offer encouragement.  3.  Yell less, hug more.  4.  Be a better listener.  5.  Be conscious of what you say.

By August 6, 2013, my goals had expanded to add friendship, blog, sew and clean.  I stopped writing in my journal after that.  At this point, I was trying to add getting my kids to school in the morning to my list.  That turned out to be a little too much for my energy level and our budget.  My husband was going that way so it made more sense for him to take them.  I let myself go backwards at that point.  I felt like I had no reason to get up in the morning.  Even if your life changes, there are certain things that are good to keep.  Getting up in the morning with my kids gave me time with them and I felt better with a set wake up time.

February 2014, I got back to my sleep schedule.  I set my alarm for 7 am whether I have anywhere to go or not.  I try to go to bed at the same time, knowing that even if I don’t or if something wakes me up (like my 5 year old kicking me in the face), I don’t have to let that ruin my day.  March 31, 2014, I started journaling again, keeping track of what I did all day; writing down what I was doing and the time I started.  My journal sat on the kitchen counter.  I was amazed by all that I accomplished in a day.  Writing down the time I started something made it crystal clear how long or short tasks took me to complete.  When you are on the internet or watching television all day, you lose so much time.  Tracking my time made me aware of how I was spending my time and let me set goals to spend that time better.

I set goals again, but they expanded beyond what I ever thought I’d be capable of again; feed the cats; straighten the bed; shower; clean the cat litter; dishes; straighten the bathroom.  I started with those things and built upon them.  It became a challenge to me.  I even wrote “no excuses” a couple of times.  There was no judgement if one day’s list was longer than another day’s.  Being kind to yourself, forgiving yourself and loving yourself is key.

May 21, 2014 was the last day I kept track of what I did all day.  I started to notice I was writing less and less of what I’d done with the time; not because I wasn’t doing anything, but because I was doing so much that it became tedious to stop by my journal all the time.  I feel so positive now, that I don’t need to chronicle every little achievement.  I can look at something, see the changes I’ve made in that part of my environment and feel pride in myself.  I don’t look at the things I do with a critical eye and I don’t talk down to myself.

I’m still the same person, I just look at everything differently.  I don’t wish things were different, I make them better, or I let it go.  It is a beautiful way to be.  Yesterday was kind of rough.  We did so much the two days prior and went to bed so late, that I was dragging butt all day long.  We went to a late lunch and then to an arcade/mini-golf place.  I mostly sat and read, while I let everyone else run after kids.  I just didn’t have any fuel in the tank.  And it was okay.  I was there, even if I wasn’t up to participating, I was there.

Today, I’ve already checked my garden, watered the lawn, posted to both blogs, and started laundry.  I have plans to finish laundry, weed the garden, do my Zumba DVD, and finish a skirt I started sewing last week.  I may even do more than that, but even if I don’t, it’ll still be okay.

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I Am A Hot Mess

I’ve been avoiding writing in my journal like the plague.  Why?  Because if there is something I have to do that I feel most people don’t have to do, I act like a baby and suffer instead of just doing the damn thing that I know helps me.  I just don’t know why I sabotage myself.  I’ve always done this.  I feel like my happiness or anything good isn’t going to last, so why try?  I have the most wonderful husband in the world, but I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  My Dad decided he didn’t want his family or his wife anymore and even though my husband is nothing like my Dad, my mind still tells me that he’s going to do the same thing.  

I’ve been making like an ostrich again.  If I have a problem, ignore it until it goes away. Well problems just don’t work that way.  And not writing in my journal has just made my anxiety that much worse.  I’m breaking out, I’ve chewed my lips till they bleed and my thumbs are a wreck from me picking them.  I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow for a psychological evaluation and I am freaking out.  The lady that made the appointment assured me that he is very nice but I am still freaking out.  A million what if’s are running through my head, which is so stupid when I really have no idea what is going to happen.

I had the kids conferences today which took every bit of energy I didn’t have.

Just because I need to do something to be whole, doesn’t make me a failure, right?  But that is what my mind tells me.  I know I need to do yoga and write in my journal and eat better.  But knowing that I need to do it, makes me want to prove to myself that I don’t need to do it.  I can remember as a kid being jealous of my Mom and the other girls who could eat a piece of toast for breakfast and be good until lunch.  That was one of my goals.  How messed up is that?  I just wanted a normal metabolism where I could eat and feel full for more than one hour and eat as much as everyone else did at a sitting instead of having to eat a bunch of smaller meals.  Not one adult understood my eating habits and I was punished more times than I can count for not finishing my dinner and being hungry later.  Luckily, my hubby understands and only comments on my sweet tooth.

I am a hot mess.

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One Year Blogaversary!

It’s been a crazy year.  Crazy highs.  Crazy lows.  Lots of jaw-dropping TMI and a few fat tears.  I’ve made lots of new friends, become re-acquainted with some old ones and most importantly, become re-acquainted with myself.  Besides starting my blog, I’ve also had some more memorable firsts.  Some were positive, like trying acupuncture, yoga, meditation, counseling, grounding and the hot amethyst crystal thingy my neighbor gave me.  Some were negative, like changing doctors, filing bankruptcy and becoming a disability insurance reject.  I’ve stuck with some of the positives, yoga and meditation.  The things I’ve seen as negatives have taught me more about the strength of myself and my family and really aren’t as negative as I thought they would be.

I have hobbies people!  I have a sewing machine, that I actually use!  I get all of my Mom’s material that I desire and have begun to feed a massive re-fashion habit.  I’ve always had reading but I’ve expanded my horizons this year by actually reading books that are *gasp* non-fiction.  I still read all my fun books, but it’s nice to have a little variety and be able to read my book in public without blushing.  I’ve been making a point to play some video games with my kids.  I just can’t play the fun dancing games I used to love anymore.  I love singing on Rock Band so I do that with my kiddos as much as they’ll let me.  My hubby plays Call of Duty Zombies and Halo 4 with all three of my kiddos and that keeps them happy.

I’ve made goals that I actually keep.  I hug and kiss and tell my family I love them every day.  I shower (almost) every day.  I do yoga or meditation every day.  I work on some housework every  day.  I write in my journal every day.  Some of these goals were harder than others.  Some of them I slack on from time to time.  The journal really kicks my butt some days.  I’ve learned to be more patient with me and the people around me.  Except in the morning.  I will never be patient in the morning.  The sooner the kids are out the door, the sooner I can take meds, eat breakfast and drink my coffee in peace and wait for those meds to kick in before I have to do anything, the better.

To my Mom and Mother-in-laws and anyone who ever changed my diaper as a child, you may want to stop reading here.

It wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t drop some major TMI.  My hubby and I have been having the most wonderful sex lately.  We will have been married 13 years, this June and I just want to shout it from the mountain top that we are happily, hornily married.  The worst and I mean THE WORST part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome was not being in the mood and even when we did manage for all the stars to align, the kids to be out cold, and the bedroom door locked, not being satisfied at the end.  No O.  Horrible.  Being able to enjoy sex again, priceless. I’d like to thank my very understanding, patient and tireless hubby.  I’d also like to thank all the lovely ladies at the library who don’t even blink an eye when checking me out every erotic novel in the library’s stacks.  I’d also like to thank the one guy who works at the library for finally refraining from commenting on every naughty cover of every naughty book I check out.

Okay Mom etc.  You can start reading again.

I really want to thank my family and friends for all the love and support you’ve thrown my way this year.  I love you all and can’t wait to share more laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, fears and of course, TMI with you.

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Heart to Heart

At my doctor appointment today he asked me to keep a journal.  I told him how much I sucked at journal writing.  He said to focus on the painful things that have happened in my past that still affect me.  I have always hated writing in a journal because I feel like I am never honest with myself.  I will write something, read it and then edit it, worrying about someone else reading it.  I think I imagine that someday, after I’m dead, someone will find what I’ve written and judge me badly.  If I’m worm-food at that point, why do I care?  I usually end up destroying any of my writing I come across.  In middle school I got my first diary, had it broken into and read aloud by a sibling.  I destroyed it immediately after.  In high school I wrote notebooks full of poetry that I destroyed in college.  Surprisingly, this blog is as honest and open as I’ve ever been and it is on the internet forever.

I just had a heart to heart with someone who I care about and it made me realize something.  It is unfair of me to constantly edit myself, especially with those people I love and care about.  I expect honesty from my loved ones, but I hide part of myself from them, worried that they would judge me negatively.  My new mantra is “What other people think about me is none of my business” but I’m not really practicing that if I’m constantly smiling and nodding like some drone, afraid to show the real me.  If one person I love is speaking negatively about another person I love, why shouldn’t I be brave enough to stick my neck out there?  Were the situation involving someone I didn’t like speaking negatively about someone I love, I would have no qualms about sticking up for my loved one.

The epiphany I had today: There is nothing therapeutic about keeping a journal in which I am dishonest with myself.

What that means for my blog is that it is time to get serious.  I’ll still post goofy, fun, TMI-stuff from time to time too, but life can’t all be unicorns farting rainbows and butterflies belching glitter.  If this blog is going to be my journal and if I want to get anything worthwhile out of it, I’m going to have to go to some pretty uncomfortable places.  Good thing I have the internet, so no matter where I go, I’m never alone.

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