Fibronaut At Home

Jury is Still Out

I can’t sleep.  Apparently, the Nuvigil I took at 9 am is still affecting me at 11 pm.  Yay.

On the plus side, I did get the majority of the laundry separated into baskets for folding at some point this week.  I did get the dishwasher unloaded and everything was clean.  Hell yeah!  Washing the dishes on the cycle designed for pots and pans really does save time and water!  I didn’t have to cook dinner because the hubby brought home Wendy’s for dinner.  Then, after the kids went to bed, since I was riding a high from actually accomplishing WAY more than I thought I’d be able to do, we got a little quality time (wink, wink).  It feels like I won the lottery tonight.

I am not talking about the pain, because then it knows I feel it and I’m not giving the pain that satisfaction.  Take that Pain!

The Nuvigil worked wonders today, except for the fact that I am now, at 11 pm, WIDE AWAKE.  I’m going to listen to Bedtime Beats, The Secret to Sleep and do a jigsaw puzzle online.  That usually helps me get to sleep.  Really crossing my fingers here.  I’m not even going to think about the amount of pain all this activity is going to cause tomorrow.  You will not win Pain!

One more thing: My hubby is pretty freaking awesome.  I forget to mention that sometimes, but seriously, if I could clone him and give every single one of you, one of him, I would.  Maybe I will rent him out.  Then, I will sort of be bringing in income.  Do you think he’d go for that?  Tell me what you need done, I’ll send him over.

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I Hate it When I am Right

Nuvigil gave me the energy and alertness I needed to safely get my son to his doctor’s appointment.  I was able to go to the grocery store for his meds as well.  Getting home was a little more tricky.  The painful spasms started about the same time the nausea and fatigue arrived; on the drive home.  I drank green tea so that I could get my daughter from school.  Got the dishes thrown in the dishwasher.  I’m scared to check if they’re clean or not, since I didn’t pre-rinse.  The laundry is kind of happening.  No folding.  Just finishing washing and drying and then separating into rooms.  My daughter has one basket; my son has another; then I have one with my clothes, my husband’s clothes and my littlest daughter’s clothes; the last basket has the load with all the small towels and socks in it.  Not sure how this is all going to shake out.  We might be basket diving for the near future for all socks, underwear and small towels.

My shoulders, neck and hips are really angry at me right now, as are all the muscles in my face.  Too much talking to kids and doctors and grocery store people and way too much driving.  If I could find a way to drive that didn’t require me to move my neck, I would have it made.

I have a theory with this Nuvigil nonsense.  I think that although the Nuvigil does give me alertness, it also wakes me up enough for me to really notice how much I freaking hurt.  I’m trying to have an open mind about this, because I’m aware of how bitter I am toward the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies after all this Fibro/CFS mess.  My doctor didn’t recommend I take Nuvigil every day, just when I “have to get something done”.  I still want to laugh hysterically when I repeat his words to myself.  I am a wife and a mother of three.  I have shiznit to do every day, that has to be done, that I don’t get to because of pain and fatigue.

Here comes the Mommy guilt.  I can think of several times in just the past two months, where I couldn’t be there for my kids.  What if I had just tried taking the Nuvigil?  There’s a possibility I could have gone to my son’s cross-country banquet or two of my daughter’s helper days at preschool.  Those are just the things I’ve missed that I can think of.  Even if I think I’ll feel well enough to do something important for my kids, maybe I should just start the day with the Nuvigil, thus improving my chances of being there for my kids?

As always, the work question is in the back of my mind.  Could Nuvigil give me the extra oomph I need to go back to work?  I just don’t know.  I don’t think I could concentrate at all with the pain I would have, even if I was more alert.  I don’t handle stress well at all.  All it takes is a little bit of stress and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function.  Let’s say I have the easiest job on the planet, whatever that might be, I would be required to move and movement, especially repetitive movement brings pain.  Even with the Nuvigil, I still got fatigued and nauseated.

On a good day, I can do about an hour of activity, before the fatigue really kicks my butt.  The pain is always fluctuating and no matter how good a day is, I usually have pain.  I can’t tell you how many days I had at my old job, where I was yawning all the time, no matter how much coffee I drank or what I ate.  There were days when I called in, simply because I was tired.  There were days where I could barely sit at my desk.  Is there any job I could do?  I honestly don’t know.

The disability company that was paying me, but dropped me, said they thought I could be a teller in a bank again.  I disagree, obviously, which is why I’m applying for Social Security Disability.  How would I handle money all day?  Write?  Get people’s transactions correct?  The problem with Fibro/CFS is that one problem compounds on top of others, until you aren’t able to function in even the smallest way.  All the pain, the fatigue, the fog, the stress, anxiety, depression, weather changes, etc. would combine and I wouldn’t last a week.  I’m not being pessimistic.  I’m being realistic.

Thanks for reading, if you’re still with me at this point.  I had no idea I had all of that in me, but it feels good to get it out.  The hamster in my head just lost 50 pounds.  I’ll let you know tomorrow if I’m able to sleep tonight or not.  Right now, I feel like I could go to sleep, but if I take a nap now, I might be up the rest of the night.

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Just One More Thing

I’ve been fighting a stupid cold for what I think is a month, but I’m not sure, ’cause my memory sucks.  Now my son is sick and I have to take him to the doctor today.  The sky is overcast and everything hurts.  I’m tired.  I’m whiny.  Somebody bitch-slap me via internet, STAT!

I’ve been trying to not let the weather determine my attitude about how my days going to go.  Does that make sense?  I always check the weather, and I get cranky when I see temperatures fluctuating drastically between days.  Ten° F isn’t bad.  Twenty or more °F  between days, especially when it goes 60°F to 40°F to 60°F again, and I get perturbed.  When we went to Vegas this summer, it was over 100°F every day, but it was constant, no fluctuation, dry heat and I had some of my best days this year there.

Laundry is going, which means I’m recovering from all the separating I did yesterday.  My hubby tried to help me last night and probably wanted to strangle me when I hollered down the stairs that he needed to completely change the settings he had on the dryer and the washer.  Seriously, I was half asleep, but I could hear him “helping” and I just knew he was going to shrink everything.  And he would have.  He had a load of delicates on “heavy duty” in the dryer, which means high heat and forever long, and another load of delicates in the washer on “normal”, which means warm heat and as rough as a mechanical bull.

Dishes are piled up.  We have zero clean forks.  All the back up plastic forks are used as well.  I have zero clean large coffee cups and zero clean travel mugs.  We are almost out of clean bowls.  My hubby cooked dinner last night, so I have that horror show to clean up as well.  If I don’t get a load of dishes run today, we will be eating cereal out of cups, and everything will be finger food by default.  I’m considering trying the cycle where I don’t have to rinse anything before I put it in the dishwasher.  That’s not how I do things though, so it’ll be interesting if I can even load the dishwasher without rinsing.

Because have all this on my plate, I am on trial number three of Nuvigil.  My doctor says that some people love it.  The first time I took it (a quarter of a pill, as my doctor recommended) I had all the energy in the world, but my pain was off the charts.  The second time I took it, I waited too long to decide that I wasn’t coming out of my slump and needed it, took it in the afternoon (Stupida!) and couldn’t fall asleep that night.  Today, I took it at 9 am, so hopefully it helps me get all this crap done.  I am expecting my pain to be off the charts again, though.  I already know what happens when I have a good day and don’t pace myself.  An artificially manufactured good day?  I can’t afford to pace myself and I’ll probably end up doing way too much and needing three days just to recover.

 

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Never again

It’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m still awake.  Exhausted and tired of listening to everyone else sleep.  I will never take nuvigil again.  I haven’t had insomnia this bad in months.  Time for meditation and hopefully that will let me sleep.

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Still Needing That Do Over

I slept in late with my sick three-year-old because when she doesn’t get any sleep, neither do I.  In a moment of fibro-fog last night, I had the three-year-old drink a bunch of water before bed to try to make sure she wouldn’t start coughing when she laid down.  Someone turned off the bathroom light so when she got up to go she got scared, laid back down next to me and fell back to sleep.  You can guess what happened next.  1:30 am found me tearing the sheets off the bed and stumbling down the stairs to get her clean pajamas.  The rest of the night I kept waking up to make sure she didn’t need to go to the bathroom again.  Sleeping in until 10 am means nothing to me after all that.

I am still in a ton of pain, both Fibromyalgia and the PMS variety.  I feel like there’s a little clawed demon inside my womb, trying to claw it’s way out and I’m being haunted by a ghost who’s punching me in the vagina.  Maybe I’m wrong, but menopause can’t be this bad.  I already have hot flashes whenever I do more than sit on the couch.  My muscles all feel like jello.  I was so exhausted before picking up the kids from school that I thought I’d try to take a quarter of a nuvigil.  I am unimpressed so far.  The last time I took one I had energy but my pain was so bad it didn’t matter.  Today’s results are kind of the same.  I still hurt, I’m still tired and my muscles still feel like jello.  I decided to wash my kitchen curtains and vacuum the dust bunnies off the walls for some ridiculous reason and my arms are shaking and in pain.  My back is starting to spasm now.  At least I know why I was so depressed the last week.

I’m curious if anyone else has tried nuvigil and what results they had.  My doctor said that the patients he’s had try it have loved it.

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