Fibronaut At Home

It’s All How You Look At It

Some things I’m grateful for and would not have had were it not for Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome:

-Time to bask in nature’s beauty.  I enjoy watching the leaves fall, watching the snow pile up, listening to the birds call, watching the squirrels play, sitting in the sunshine, to name a few.

-Time with my children.  I’m getting to do what I’ve wanted to since they were babies.  I pick them up from school, I share my love of reading and sewing with them, I fix them meals and I hug and kiss them and talk to them whenever I want.  I’m able to volunteer at their schools, go to class parties and other special events.

-New hobbies.  Sewing was something I always wanted to do, but never had the time.  I crafted, but not as much as I wanted to.  Now, one of my daily goals is to create or bake something.  Today, instead of cursing the tear in my son’s Halloween costume and the too-big skirt on my daughter’s, I fixed them myself.  I have lost count of all the clothes I’ve upcycled, mended and taken in, saving us money.

-Thrifting is another hobby I’ve picked up again.  It has become a way of life for us.  Anything I can get for cheap, second-hand or make myself, I do.  One of my favorite money-saving, environmental projects I’ve done is to make my own cloth napkins out of an old tablecloth.  We haven’t bought paper towels or napkins in several years.  They go in the wash with my towels and don’t take up any more room than a paper towel roll would.  It used to be a goal of mine to wear something I made or thrifted every day.  I don’t have that goal any more because the majority of my clothing is thifted or home-made.

-Recycling has become a passion of mine.  Everything that goes in our trashcan gets inspected by me first.  Plus I reuse everything I can.  I always look at something I’m thinking of throwing away and think, “Could I use this for something else?”

We’re headed out to the comic book store for our free comics today, but I know this is a subject I’ll come back to in future posts.

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The Happiness Project

I have finally started reading “The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun” by Gretchen Rubin.  Julie Ryan of Counting My Spoons, suggested the book to me months ago and I’m so glad that she did.  I’m only half-way through, but I already love the book and I’m heading back towards the totally awesome me that I found in April.  I’ve been in a slump lately, which is the main reason why I haven’t posted here.  I didn’t want anyone to know that I was struggling, though my hubby and my Mom knew.  I’m ecstatic and relieved that I’m back.

The main goal that is sticking with me now and that could be life-altering for anyone, but especially for others like me with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, “Act the way you want to feel.”  I was already trying to do this and seeing that it worked for someone else, really helped me.  I think I went into a slump because I was starting to wonder if what I was doing was really working.  Rubin had a similar experience.  Reading that made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my doubts and gave me tools for combating the negative thoughts causing those doubts.

Even though I was doing all the right things, doubts crept in and the old conflict of to-work-or-not-to-work started playing havoc with my mind.  If I don’t work, there isn’t any money for extras and if I do work, there isn’t any time for extras.  I want a part-time job so I can still pick up the kids from school and spend my evenings and weekends with them, but most places only have full-time available, or I just can’t imagine working there.  I talk myself out of jobs before I even apply for them.  I have finally come to the conclusion that, when it’s right, it’ll happen.  When I find my mind going to that black hole of never-ending worry and what-ifs, I sing to myself, “Que sera, sera.  Whatever will be will be.”  A little silly, but it works.

We’ve also had extra stress dealing with some school issues.  I’m not going to go into it.  I think we’re almost through it and I can look back and see that despite all the stress, some good things have come out of going through this.

I’ve gone back to keeping track of all I accomplish each day.  Even if no one else notices, it makes me happy to see all these tasks completed.  I have a spreadsheet I found in Microsoft Excel that’s meant for a chores list, but works perfectly for me.  Each week, I’ll start a new spreadsheet, so I can look back and see how much progress I’ve made.  There are some tasks that I do daily, some I do twice a week or more and some I only do once a week or once a month.  I don’t have to look to my hubby or my kids for validation that I’m reaching goals.  I’ve also added several items since I started.

I’m learning to find the positive in every situation, no matter how bleak.  I’m learning to be grateful for where I am, who I’m with and everything that I once took for granted in life.  Those are some pretty big statements, but I’m confident in them.

I’ll probably post again about this book because there is so much helpful advice in it.  I would recommend this book to anyone, whether you feel like you are happy and especially if you don’t.

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Interpretive Dance Like No One’s Watching

My daughter Emma is the princess of interpretive dance.  It doesn’t matter where she is; if she hears a beat that catches her ear, she starts dancing.  This morning, as I’m listening to my playlist with Beyonce, Fergie, Jennifer Lopez, Shakira, Meghan Trainor, Destiny’s Child, Iggy Azalea and Nicki Minaj, it occurred to me that I do the same thing.  I’m better at hiding it in public than she is.  I only do shoulder movements, head bobs and swaying hips.  Um.  Maybe I’m not as good at hiding it as I think I am.

Sometimes I get bored with my same work-out DVD’s.  Even ordering different ones from the library doesn’t help.  I just like my music so much that I want to do those moves to songs I like listening to.  Cue interpretive dance as a workout.  I already find myself thinking of the moves I do with the DVD’s that would go with the beat I’m listening to.  I already dance around my house.  Any movement is more than sitting down doing nothing, right?  Hopefully, my hubby’s claim that no one can see me through the windows in the day is correct.  If not, I hope the neighbor’s appreciate the entertainment.

I’m also reminded of a conversation that I had with my Brother-in-Law.  He went to school to be a personal trainer, so whenever I have workout questions, I ask him.  When I was still couch-bound every day, I asked him if just tightening my abs while I sat there was working the muscles.  He said it did, which made me feel like at least I was doing something, even if I wasn’t in full sit-up or crunches mode.  Start small and build from there!

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More Workout Trial and Error

Oh Lordy Magordy!  I just did the majority of Piloxing.  It was awesome.  The workout combines boxing pilates and she even adds some dance moves.  I love Vivica Jensen, the woman who does the DVD.  She has a great attitude and reminds you to only do what you can, but to try and push yourself.  I also love that the women doing the workout with her are different sizes and different levels of fitness.  I think most fitness DVD’s only have people who are really in shape doing the exercises.  When I was huffing and puffing or had a pain face on, I could see that reflected in other women’s faces.  It was nice because I didn’t feel so bad for being out of breath or for modifying the moves if they were too much for me.

I didn’t do the floor portion of the workout, but I did try.  My muscles felt like jello after the standing portion, so I just skipped to the cool down.  The DVD also reminded me what I liked so much about pilates.  Pilates helps you to lengthen your body and muscles.  You are toning without bulking up.  I had a huge smile on my face at the end.

I also tried Belly Dance Fitness for Weight Loss: Cardio Shimmy.  I thought I’d love this one, because I loved the other belly dance DVD by the same company.  I didn’t make it past 5 minutes.  There’s a lot of fast moves on your tip-toes.  I felt like the hippo ballerinas in Fantasia, except less graceful.

After having the kids making fun of me when I was working out the other day, I decided to work out before they woke up this morning.  Don’t ever let other people’s opinion of you stop you from doing what you want or need to do.  There’s a reason I don’t go to fitness classes, and since The Peanut Gallery can’t contain their horror at me in a sports bra and shorts, I’ll just work out earlier.  It’s good for them to see what a real, unphoto-shopped body looks like though.  I think that when the cousins go home, I’ll continue my normal workout routine.  When my kids complain about me working out, I’ll just make them work out with me.  Ha!

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Finding A Workout that Works For You

*I am not a doctor.  Consult your doctor before starting any workout program.*

When I was first diagnosed with fibro, this was one of the biggest challenges I faced.  Every doctor I visited and every book I read said, “Do yoga.”  For me, going to a class was out of the question.  I was depressed and full of anxiety in relation to how others saw me.  My spirit was in the fetal position unable to handle anyone’s criticism, no matter how compassionate.  To me, no one understood the pain I was going through.  I checked out numerous DVD’s from my library and got seriously frustrated.  I couldn’t make it through the warm-ups on those DVD’s.  I gave up.  I told myself I wasn’t going to get anywhere exercising.  I told one of my doctors that I didn’t have time to exercise.  What I meant was that I had limited time in my day.  If I had the energy to do anything, it wasn’t going to be exercise; it was going to be something for my hubby or kids like housework or doing something with them.

Here’s what I figured out in doing housework; I was working out!  Every load of clothes I separated, every time I loaded or unloaded the dishwasher, I was exercising.  When I was warmed up, I would stretch out the muscles that were tightening.  I started to tweak the way I did some chores as I noticed that doing them more often made them easier.  Getting things done makes me feel good.  When I notice something out of place or dirty and I take care of it, BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, instant mood booster.  It was through housework exercising that I first started losing weight and inches.  (Getting off of narcotics and Lyrica and Cymbalta helped also.)

I also finally found a workout DVD that I could do.  That’s right.  One DVD is all it took to start getting my body back.  Healing Yoga for Aches and Pains started me on my path to wellness.  There are a lot of moves on the ground and sitting down.  I did hurt my back once when I got a little too enthusiastic with my stretching.  Go slow and don’t worry if you feel like you’re not really working out.  The best workouts don’t feel like workouts at all.  My favorite part is the last, where you are laying on the floor with your legs resting on a chair and just breathing.  That move always leaves me feeling centered and ready to conquer anything.

Now that I’ve been building my muscles, I’ve been trying some regular workout DVD’s.  I’ve always liked dance workouts and games.  We traded in all my dance games when I thought I’d never be able to do them again.  Now I want them all back.  I really like Zumba.  There are tons of options in the Zumba workout DVD’s and I’ve checked out a couple of them from the library.  My favorite dances are the salsa and the Mexican dances.  They have a special name but I can’t remember it and both times I tried to search for it, I even confused Google.  Ha!  There are some that I don’t like, so I skip them.  At first, I couldn’t figure out the Calypso moves.  They were too fast and there was too much hopping that I couldn’t figure out.  The last time I did a Zumba DVD, I tried the Calypso steps and was able to do them!  Made me feel great.  I love that they have choices between just dancing and having the instructors tell you what to do.  I started out learning all the moves.  Now I can do the dance party.  Just a warning, Zumba is addictive.  I find myself thinking of Zumba moves whenever I listen to music.  I always dance around the house, but now I’m Zumba-ing around the house.  My 5 year old loves it and is doing it too.

I’ve also tried a Hula DVD, Island Girl Dance Fitness Workout for Beginners: Hula Abs and Buns.  It is easy and low impact.  The most difficult move is a lunge move but you can always skip moves that you find too difficult or that might cause you pain.  I love this DVD because you learn an entire dance while working out.  By the end, you combine all the moves in a dance.  I am a fan of workouts that make me feel like I’ve accomplished something at the end.

After being turned off by all the corny belly dance DVD’s that I tried, I finally found one that I like.  There were several belly dance DVD’s that I couldn’t get through the first move they were so corny (Here’s looking at you Goddess Workout).  A huge high-five to my kids for not cracking up at the corniness of The Goddess Workout: Intro to Belly Dance before I did.  The DVD I did today was Belly Dance Fitness for Weight Loss featuring Rania: Hip Hop Hip Drop.  They go through the moves slowly at first and then speed them up.  You learn an entire dance with this one too, combining all the moves into a dance at the end.  If you don’t like Hip Hop music, don’t worry.  There isn’t any Hip Hop.  I’ve just requested Belly Dance Fitness for Weight Loss featuring Rania: Cardio Shimmy.  If you find something you like, look for other things like that to keep your workout interesting.

As with everything else in wellness, it is a learning process.  If one thing doesn’t work, try something else.  Also, just because something worked once, doesn’t mean it’s going to always be for you.  My example of this came through a DVD that I used to own pre-fibro and decided to try because I remembered how much I liked it before.  10 Minute Solution: Pilates used to be my favorite thing to do.  I did the 10 minute ab workout 2 or 3 days ago.  My abs are still screaming.  Pilates is definitely not for me at this time.  Maybe I’ll go back to it later, but right now it is not for me.  The belly dance DVD helped with the soreness in my abs, but I’ve learned my lesson there.

If you are doing a workout and there is a part of it that you dread to the point where it keeps you from working out at all, then don’t do it.  Find another option.  If you are bored by any of your workout, don’t torture yourself through it.  Don’t give up, find another way.  Try, try, try and try again.  I even ran today.  I was in my pajamas and trying not to get hit by the sprinkler, but I ran.  It didn’t even hurt.  I’ve even been thinking of going for a run with the kids.  Forget walking!

I don’t write this to hurt anyone else’s feelings or make you feel like you aren’t doing enough.  That is for you to decide.  If you think you should be doing more, then do it.  Encouragement!

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 Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes!  Yes! 

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Day Dreaming

I was just looking at the houses for sale in the community that me and the hubby have always dreamed of living.  After all the coulda-woulda-shoulda’s and all the disappointments of the last couple years, it’s really nice to have dreams again.  I’m filled with hope.  Our day will come and hopefully we’ll appreciate it all the more.  For three years, my only focus has been fibro and CFS; How I’m feeling and not much else.  I feel like I have a new focus.

The hubby and I had a conversation while in a meeting the other day.  I found out that he isn’t all that concerned about me going back to work.  I just assumed that was the end goal.  Turns out he likes me staying at home, taking care of the kids and me.  How lucky am I?  For now I’m just home with the kids for the summer.  Next year I’ll try my hand at volunteering at their schools, maybe join the PTO.  It’s really fun to torment my 12 year old that I can’t wait to see him when I volunteer at his school next year.  Maybe I’ll have to start using that as a reward; Do this for me and I won’t show up at your school next year.

I’ve even been socializing.  GASP!  I’ve been socializing and not over-thinking every conversation or re-playing every moment and judging myself.  If I find myself starting that mess, I just say out loud, “What other people think of me is none of my business.”  Sometimes, I even Richard Smiley it and go look in the mirror.  Say it with me: “I’m good enough.  I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.”

I still want to write on my sewing blog more.  I let it go as long as I’m taking the time to sew instead.  I have lost a little weight and gained a little muscle, so I need to take in some of my clothes too.  I’ve even been doing workout videos.  Real ones.  Not just yoga for aches and pains and arthritis and older people.  I did Zumba and I did a hula one.  When somebody tooties their flutie, I gots to shake my booty (Donkey from Shrek), and now I can do it without hurting myself.

My house is clean.  This deserves it’s own paragraph because, holy crap, it’s freaking amazing.  It’s clean and I did most of it.  The trick is, once you get something clean, you clean it again before it’s at the FUBAR level.  My living room gets vacuumed every other day and the toilet gets cleaned whenever it looks even a little bit dirty.  I do dishes after every meal and I do laundry twice a week.  I don’t sit down on the couch.  That used to be my spot.  I close all the recliners, fold all the blankets and stack the pillows, so I’m not tempted.  As soon as my bed is empty, I make it.  I am much more reluctant to mess it up after I take the time to make it pretty.

I’ve struggled a little with people’s reactions to how much better I’m feeling.  It’s not a miracle, just a lot of little things that I’m doing right.  I don’t allow negative thoughts and I shake off any negative feelings.  I stay positive and when I feel myself slipping, I write in my positivity journal and I listen to my upbeat, encouraging music.  I started small.  Small goals and small jobs around the house.  Every day I added new goals or I cleaned one more thing.  I’m going to paint a sign to hang above my front door that says, “Make today awesome.”  I want my whole family to experience the happiness and contentment I’m feeling right now.  I didn’t write about this sooner because I didn’t want to jinx it.  Now, I’m not going to shut up about it.

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Where Do I Go From Here?

I received my letter detailing my Social Security unfavorable decision.  I received it Friday and finally got the nerve up to ready it today.  I didn’t want to ruin my weekend and I already had enough anxiety about going to Jury Duty on Monday.  Jury Duty went better than I expected.  The Jury Commissioner had a great sense of humor, which made everything easier.  I had to stay all day, but we had a lot of breaks in the morning, so I was okay.  The afternoon dragged on and on and I hurt much worse than I had in the morning, but sitting on a wooden bench, even with a back, will do that.  I still hurt today and I’m still tense, but that was to be expected.  I was able to stay positive about the whole experience.  I wasn’t picked to be on the Jury, but felt like even if I had been, I could have handled it.

Back to the real reason I’m so tense today.  Basically, the judge said I wasn’t believable.  Mostly due to the opinion of the first neurologist I saw, Dr. David Ewing.  If you are unfortunate enough to come across this doctor, run (or walk speedily, whatever works) in the opposite direction.  Nearly every lady with fibro that I know, when I tell them he was my doctor, they curse about him, say he’s the worst doctor for fibro or have some negative story about him.  Even my attorney has heard the horror stories.  If you are seeing a doctor who doesn’t listen to you and refuses to explore any other options than medication, same thing.  I’m not knocking fibromyalgia medications, I take prescription medications.  In my opinion, fibro and CFS require a doctor to think outside the box.  The thing that helped the most with my CFS has been thyroid medication.  No other doctor would even refer me to a doctor for my thyroid.  Even the doctors that diagnosed me with fibro and have seen me more recently were considered less credible (not sure if that’s the correct word) because the judge thought they based their opinion on my complaints.  He also said that there were no tests showing a reason for my pain and acknowledged that in cases of fibro and CFS that there aren’t.  Apparently, I only walked as if I was in pain some of the time.  I also told them that it doesn’t always hurt to walk, but whatever.

I feel discouraged.  I don’t think I can come back from a judge’s opinion and Dr. Ewing’s opinion that they don’t believe that my pain is to the extent that I’ve reported.  I’m pretty done with it.  I know a lot of people will tell me not to give up, but I don’t feel like that’s what I’m doing.  I’m recognizing their opinion and I understand why they feel that way.  I feel like the only thing I can do is accept this and move on.  Raging against this will accomplish nothing.

I have the support I need to do this.  My husband, his family and my family are awesome.  I’ve rekindled some friendships from high school that have healed me more than those beautiful women will know.  It’s a wonderful thing to know you can pick up the phone or get on Facebook and have a conversation with someone who knows you down to your soul and only wants what is best for you.  I have amazing examples to follow.  My Dad, my Step-Father (who I also call Dad), my Mother, both my Mothers-in-Law and my Father-in-Law have all worked with pain.  They haven’t given up and I can’t either.  Every day I wake up with one priority: To be a good example to my kids.  Every time I whine about my problems and find excuses not to do something, I’m telling them it’s okay to make excuses just because something is difficult or because I hurt.  I can’t do that.  It is not the example I want to set for my kids.  No matter how bad my pain or fatigue I want them to see me pushing myself, going outside my comfort zone and rolling with the punches of life.  If I am too tired or in too much pain, I explain that, but always before I have a little honest conversation with myself about why I’m really telling them no.

I’d also like to make a special request.  If you are going to make any negative comments towards me or my attorney, I really would rather you keep that to yourself.  I have to stay positive for my husband and my children and I cannot even entertain thoughts of unfairness.  Sometimes life is unfair.  The judge feels that I could be a teller at a bank and if it takes trying to do just that and seeing what happens, I’ll gladly do that.  Since my diagnosis I have learned one very important thing.  You never know until you try.  That’s all I can do.  Try.  My husband would chime in with the quote from Yoda, “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  That certainly applies in this case.  I made him a painting of this quote and I read it every day.  No more excuses.  The pain and the fatigue are going to be there, I need to learn to deal with it.

 

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Snow Storm Positives

1.  My hubby picked up the kids from school, so I didn’t have to drive in the 6+ inches of snow.

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2.  This storm is the first this winter to not coincide with my period.  Seriously.  It started to feel like Mother Nature had something against me.

3.  The birds are cold and hunkering down in the bushes and trees and because of all the white, I can see them really well.

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4.  My Denver Broncos play in the Super Bowl this weekend.  I hadn’t planned on doing much anyway, but now I have the perfect excuse to not do anything.  I began my orange and blue nail painting today and I don’t want to have to do my nails again before Sunday.  Also, I need to really rest up if I don’t want to be completely bump-on-a-logging it next week.   Go Broncos!

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Give Thanks Not Spanks

 

Give Thanks Not Spanks is what I’m calling this weekend.  My kids are being kids and I’m not worrying about anything.  I want to enjoy my family, eat a lot of good food, watch football, watch any corny T.V. specials that are on and that is it.  No mas.  I’m not going to worry about laundry, dishes, dirty floors or any other housework related thing.  I’m going to do what is necessary and no more.

I’m especially not going to let any of the drama that can be associated with family gatherings touch me.  I am a bubble of happiness.  I am the unicorn, farting glitter, spreading rainbows wherever she goes.  I am making cheesy potatoes and spinach stuffed mushrooms and you can eat them or don’t, because if you don’t, that just means there’s more for me.  I am painting my nails in a turkey/thanksgiving theme and maybe my toenails too.  That is it.  I’ll help clean up after dinner, but that is it.

Kids:  If you need something, you better ask your Dad, because I am relaxing this weekend. 

Hubby:  If you need something, get it yourself.

Just kidding.  You can ask me and I might help you out, but only if I was already getting up.  Otherwise, refer to the previous note.

And if you thought this post was going to be about the body shapers, Spanx, I’m so sorry to disappoint.  I’ve never worn Spanx, nor do I plan to ever wear them in the future, so you’ll have to go somewhere else for any Spanx related hijinks.  Although, I’m pretty sure that if you gave someone Spanx on Thanksgiving, they’d probably cross you off their invite list for the next year.  So, if you’re invited somewhere and you’d rather not go, give them Spanx.  You are welcome.

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I Hate it When I am Right

Nuvigil gave me the energy and alertness I needed to safely get my son to his doctor’s appointment.  I was able to go to the grocery store for his meds as well.  Getting home was a little more tricky.  The painful spasms started about the same time the nausea and fatigue arrived; on the drive home.  I drank green tea so that I could get my daughter from school.  Got the dishes thrown in the dishwasher.  I’m scared to check if they’re clean or not, since I didn’t pre-rinse.  The laundry is kind of happening.  No folding.  Just finishing washing and drying and then separating into rooms.  My daughter has one basket; my son has another; then I have one with my clothes, my husband’s clothes and my littlest daughter’s clothes; the last basket has the load with all the small towels and socks in it.  Not sure how this is all going to shake out.  We might be basket diving for the near future for all socks, underwear and small towels.

My shoulders, neck and hips are really angry at me right now, as are all the muscles in my face.  Too much talking to kids and doctors and grocery store people and way too much driving.  If I could find a way to drive that didn’t require me to move my neck, I would have it made.

I have a theory with this Nuvigil nonsense.  I think that although the Nuvigil does give me alertness, it also wakes me up enough for me to really notice how much I freaking hurt.  I’m trying to have an open mind about this, because I’m aware of how bitter I am toward the medical establishment and pharmaceutical companies after all this Fibro/CFS mess.  My doctor didn’t recommend I take Nuvigil every day, just when I “have to get something done”.  I still want to laugh hysterically when I repeat his words to myself.  I am a wife and a mother of three.  I have shiznit to do every day, that has to be done, that I don’t get to because of pain and fatigue.

Here comes the Mommy guilt.  I can think of several times in just the past two months, where I couldn’t be there for my kids.  What if I had just tried taking the Nuvigil?  There’s a possibility I could have gone to my son’s cross-country banquet or two of my daughter’s helper days at preschool.  Those are just the things I’ve missed that I can think of.  Even if I think I’ll feel well enough to do something important for my kids, maybe I should just start the day with the Nuvigil, thus improving my chances of being there for my kids?

As always, the work question is in the back of my mind.  Could Nuvigil give me the extra oomph I need to go back to work?  I just don’t know.  I don’t think I could concentrate at all with the pain I would have, even if I was more alert.  I don’t handle stress well at all.  All it takes is a little bit of stress and I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function.  Let’s say I have the easiest job on the planet, whatever that might be, I would be required to move and movement, especially repetitive movement brings pain.  Even with the Nuvigil, I still got fatigued and nauseated.

On a good day, I can do about an hour of activity, before the fatigue really kicks my butt.  The pain is always fluctuating and no matter how good a day is, I usually have pain.  I can’t tell you how many days I had at my old job, where I was yawning all the time, no matter how much coffee I drank or what I ate.  There were days when I called in, simply because I was tired.  There were days where I could barely sit at my desk.  Is there any job I could do?  I honestly don’t know.

The disability company that was paying me, but dropped me, said they thought I could be a teller in a bank again.  I disagree, obviously, which is why I’m applying for Social Security Disability.  How would I handle money all day?  Write?  Get people’s transactions correct?  The problem with Fibro/CFS is that one problem compounds on top of others, until you aren’t able to function in even the smallest way.  All the pain, the fatigue, the fog, the stress, anxiety, depression, weather changes, etc. would combine and I wouldn’t last a week.  I’m not being pessimistic.  I’m being realistic.

Thanks for reading, if you’re still with me at this point.  I had no idea I had all of that in me, but it feels good to get it out.  The hamster in my head just lost 50 pounds.  I’ll let you know tomorrow if I’m able to sleep tonight or not.  Right now, I feel like I could go to sleep, but if I take a nap now, I might be up the rest of the night.

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