Fibronaut At Home

We Got This

What do I have?  A cold!  How long have I had it?  This is week number three!

I really need some positivity right now.  PMS + Cold + Fibro + Fatigue = Me, zoning out all the time, sad, feeling like a giant dog turd floating in turd soup.

Here is my attempt at We Got This Wednesday:

Drum roll please…..

  • I shaved in the shower today.  Hasn’t happened in a week.  Yay, me.
  • I straightened up the living room.  Sort of.  It’s almost ready for someone with more energy than me to vacuum.
  • I did dishes yesterday and made dinner.  It was mac and cheese and hot dogs, but it felt like I’d just climbed Everest.
  • I fed the dog today and gave the bunnies carrots.
  • I cleaned the bathtub.
  • I am really trying to come up with something else….I know there is something else.  For some stupid reason, “I’m the grumpy, old Troll, who lives under the bridge”, from Dora the Explorer keeps popping in my head.  Actually, that is a pretty apt description of me lately.  Except, now I shaved so I’m not as hairy a troll as I was before.
I have to confess, that I’m getting bored with writing these.  Yes, I need to recognize that I do more than sit on my butt and sleep, but I don’t necessarily need to write about it on my blog every week.  I feel like I’m in the fifth grade again and I’m completing a stupid journal assignment that my teacher told me to do.  I hate being forced to write about something specific, even when I’m the one forcing me.
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Really?

This post is brought to you by the letters P, M, and S.

My biggest challenge is learning to not worry about what others think of me.  I struggle with this every day, every moment, no matter what I’m doing or how I’m feeling.  This morning, I awoke to find that Mother Nature’s curse had begun its pillage on my body.  Of course, I am running low on supers, again.  My hubby is sick, so I know that I have to go to the grocery store myself this time.  We live in a small town and the nearest grocery store is in an equally small town.  Our little grocery store has a deli, with chairs and tables.  All the farmers gather there to have coffee.  Can you see where this is going?  When I worked, I worked at the local bank, where we catered to ag customers.  The tampons are a straight shot from the deli, so I went in that door.  I am unwashed, unbrushed, and in my pajamas.  Basically, the definition of a Hot Mess.

As I look up and focus, I see someone I recognize.  Do I smile?  No.  Wave?  No.  Why?  Because I automatically assume that those farmers can all tell why I’m there.  As if I just asked them, “Where are the tampons?”  Which sounds crazy, because it is crazy.  I look down at the ground, which doesn’t look guilty at all (sarcasm, cough, cough) and speed-walk past the seating area.  WTF!  Why am I speed-walking?!  It’s 8 o’clock in the morning!  Get ahold of yourself, Susie!  I start to say, “What other people think of you is none of your business”, except I mean to say it in my head, but I say it out loud.  Cheese and rice!  It is way too early for this.  I then, restart my mantra, but in my head this time.

There I am, speed-walking, through the frozen section (Dear God, I’m going to pay for this!), I find my tampons and head to the registers.  Sort of.  What I actually do, is walk through the meat section (Holy hip spasm, Batman!) and look down every aisle I pass until I see the register that is farthest from the farmer-r-us meeting at the deli.  I limp down this aisle and (Thank you Jesus!) find a register that is open that is not immediately next to the farmer-con convention in the deli.  I throw my one box of super tampons down.

That’s right.  No shame here.  At least, not anymore.  I’m totally bluffing.  I usually try to buy more than the tampons, like maybe a bunch of bananas and a loaf of bread with disguise the bright pink box of tampons and no one will see them sitting there, saying, “Look at what this woman’s buying!  Bet she’s in a bad mood today!”.  The nice lady in front of me smiles sympathetically and I just want to rip her face off.  Don’t acknowledge the embarrassment!!!  The last thing I want to do right now is acknowledge my embarrassment, but when you smile at me in that way, I’m forced to either shrug at you like, “I know, right?” or something else to let you know that I saw your smile.  I look away. 

There is a female cashier but there is a male bagger.  He is smart, though.  He is either married or very well-trained.  After assisting the lady in front of me, he walks away.  I think he might be psychic or he can just see his death in my eyes.  The female cashier ain’t the sharpest crayon in the box.  She puts my bright pink box of super tampons on the little shelf right in front of me.  Put it in a bag woman!  Are you serious?!  I realize she expects me to put them in my purse, but then it just looks like I’m hiding something even more.  And I am super paranoid about being suspected of shop lifting.  I hate to dig in my purse while in the grocery store.  Also, when you go to the register, you should leave with a bag.  Double bag that STAT!!! 

**sigh**

After I pay her convenience store prices for my tampons, I shove them in my purse and make all nicey-nice but I really want to throw them at her head.  I limp out of the door on the opposite side of where I came in, with my head down and my dignity in the frozen section.

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Here We Go

My 6th Grader

My 6th Grader

My son started 6th Grade today.  I decided that I was going to try to take my kids to school this year.  My hubby doesn’t have to be to work until 9 am right now.  Last year, he didn’t have to be to work until 8:30 am and the kids were late all the time.  We open-enroll them so the school district has to approve the kids every year and they are strict on attendance and grades.  Every three tardies is one absence.  I’m tired of worrying about them getting in trouble for tardies.  This morning went well.  I made sure I took my meds, ate a little something and had coffee before we left.  I still had to make sure I concentrate on the road.  Even small distractions are dangerous for me in the morning.  I  was distracted by a mosquito and freaked out the kids when I was trying to kill it.  I had to slam on my brakes when an old guy didn’t have his blinker on and turned in front of me when I thought he was going straight.  I started to go into the gutter when I was singing along to the radio and looking at the corn fields.  Tomorrow will be the real test when I have three kids to drop off and the traffic is tripled.

I’m not as anxious about him starting sixth grade.  I was excited for him this morning and I didn’t cry when I dropped him off.  It was a near thing.  I’m dealing with PMS so that is consuming most of my energy.  I have to do laundry today so that might affect tomorrow as well.  Wish me luck!

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There Are No Coincidences

My Social Security Disability denial came the same day as Mother Nature’s Gift.  Enough said.

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Still Needing That Do Over

I slept in late with my sick three-year-old because when she doesn’t get any sleep, neither do I.  In a moment of fibro-fog last night, I had the three-year-old drink a bunch of water before bed to try to make sure she wouldn’t start coughing when she laid down.  Someone turned off the bathroom light so when she got up to go she got scared, laid back down next to me and fell back to sleep.  You can guess what happened next.  1:30 am found me tearing the sheets off the bed and stumbling down the stairs to get her clean pajamas.  The rest of the night I kept waking up to make sure she didn’t need to go to the bathroom again.  Sleeping in until 10 am means nothing to me after all that.

I am still in a ton of pain, both Fibromyalgia and the PMS variety.  I feel like there’s a little clawed demon inside my womb, trying to claw it’s way out and I’m being haunted by a ghost who’s punching me in the vagina.  Maybe I’m wrong, but menopause can’t be this bad.  I already have hot flashes whenever I do more than sit on the couch.  My muscles all feel like jello.  I was so exhausted before picking up the kids from school that I thought I’d try to take a quarter of a nuvigil.  I am unimpressed so far.  The last time I took one I had energy but my pain was so bad it didn’t matter.  Today’s results are kind of the same.  I still hurt, I’m still tired and my muscles still feel like jello.  I decided to wash my kitchen curtains and vacuum the dust bunnies off the walls for some ridiculous reason and my arms are shaking and in pain.  My back is starting to spasm now.  At least I know why I was so depressed the last week.

I’m curious if anyone else has tried nuvigil and what results they had.  My doctor said that the patients he’s had try it have loved it.

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The Perfect Storm

  • A cold day with snow and wind.
  • Laundry with trips up and down stairs.
  • PMS
  • A sick three-year-old
  • Several large medical bills along with a letter from our home insurance raising our deductible in the mail.

All this today has me hurting, depressed and grumpy.  Can I get a do over?

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PMS

I know that you are supposed to enjoy your time on this earth and be thankful for all you have, but can I just rant and wish for the future for a moment?  I cannot wait for menopause!  At least I think.  Please correct me if I’m wrong, but having fibromyalgia and chronic pain and fatigue has got to be easier without the monthly aggravation (additional pain, nausea, fatigue) of PMS, right?  Please, someone tell me that it gets better.  Right now, I would not be surprised if there were little humanoid, clawed beings trying to scratch their way out of my uterus.  My forehead feels like it’s the heaviest thing on my body and everywhere I look I see those shadowy images I get right before a migraine.  

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