I have a question for everyone, that I hope you’ll take the time to help me answer. I have some people friended on my Facebook page from my life pre-fibromyalgia. It isn’t that I don’t like them, it is just that it sometimes makes me so sad when I see their posts. They may check my Facebook page from time to time, and I obviously check in with them. The difference is I always make an effort to like or comment their posts, and the only time I “hear” from them is when their posts pop up in my news feed or I visit their page. Since their posts have such an effect on me, do you think I should unfriend them? I just don’t know. I know that I don’t like it when I go to message someone that I don’t see very often has unfriended me, so I don’t really wan’t to give someone those bad vibes. I would really appreciate your advice.
Yesterday, we visited Squishy Grandma (My husband’s Grandma). Aunt Pauline was there. I cannot express how much I love these two women. They were some of the first of Cam’s extended family for me to meet. They greeted me with hugs and told me that they loved me already, just from what he had told them about me. When I was pregnant with Aden, Aunt Pauline and Squishy Grandma gave me great advice and always made me feel like I was beautiful. Side note: These ladies have been known to squeeze a pregnant ladies breast, pat a belly (pregnant or not, just had it happen yesterday) or smack a butt. LOL! During our visit yesterday, there were so many great conversations that I had a migraine last night from the pain in my face. Too much talking and too much smiling, but it was worth it. We talked about how our kids know when they’re in trouble. Mine was when I use my deep-mom-growl voice and Squishy’s was when she cursed at them. Aden got the remote (a huge honor is Squishy’s house) and turned it to Chiller. The movie he was watching was on a scene where two people were making out:
Me: Aden! What are you watching?!
Aden: Humans vs Zombies.
Squishy: Aden! What are you watching?!
Aunt Pauline: Aden! What are you watching?! Is this a sex movie? Are you becoming a perdvert? (That’s how she said it. LOL.) Why are you watching a sex movie?
At this point, Aden is bright red. He growls, yells “Fine! I’ll change it!” and flips to “Duck Dynasty”. LOLOLOLOL!!! So funny!
We talked about my illness and what I’m doing to feel better mentally. We talked about blogging and about how much fun getting to stay home with kids is. Aunt Pauline has Fibromyalgia and Lupus so she is a great support system. I hurt physically when I left but in my heart, I felt renewed. And we played with kitties and pet her dogs. Is there anything more fun than that?
It’s been a crazy year. Crazy highs. Crazy lows. Lots of jaw-dropping TMI and a few fat tears. I’ve made lots of new friends, become re-acquainted with some old ones and most importantly, become re-acquainted with myself. Besides starting my blog, I’ve also had some more memorable firsts. Some were positive, like trying acupuncture, yoga, meditation, counseling, grounding and the hot amethyst crystal thingy my neighbor gave me. Some were negative, like changing doctors, filing bankruptcy and becoming a disability insurance reject. I’ve stuck with some of the positives, yoga and meditation. The things I’ve seen as negatives have taught me more about the strength of myself and my family and really aren’t as negative as I thought they would be.
I have hobbies people! I have a sewing machine, that I actually use! I get all of my Mom’s material that I desire and have begun to feed a massive re-fashion habit. I’ve always had reading but I’ve expanded my horizons this year by actually reading books that are *gasp* non-fiction. I still read all my fun books, but it’s nice to have a little variety and be able to read my book in public without blushing. I’ve been making a point to play some video games with my kids. I just can’t play the fun dancing games I used to love anymore. I love singing on Rock Band so I do that with my kiddos as much as they’ll let me. My hubby plays Call of Duty Zombies and Halo 4 with all three of my kiddos and that keeps them happy.
I’ve made goals that I actually keep. I hug and kiss and tell my family I love them every day. I shower (almost) every day. I do yoga or meditation every day. I work on some housework every day. I write in my journal every day. Some of these goals were harder than others. Some of them I slack on from time to time. The journal really kicks my butt some days. I’ve learned to be more patient with me and the people around me. Except in the morning. I will never be patient in the morning. The sooner the kids are out the door, the sooner I can take meds, eat breakfast and drink my coffee in peace and wait for those meds to kick in before I have to do anything, the better.
To my Mom and Mother-in-laws and anyone who ever changed my diaper as a child, you may want to stop reading here.
It wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t drop some major TMI. My hubby and I have been having the most wonderful sex lately. We will have been married 13 years, this June and I just want to shout it from the mountain top that we are happily, hornily married. The worst and I mean THE WORST part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome was not being in the mood and even when we did manage for all the stars to align, the kids to be out cold, and the bedroom door locked, not being satisfied at the end. No O. Horrible. Being able to enjoy sex again, priceless. I’d like to thank my very understanding, patient and tireless hubby. I’d also like to thank all the lovely ladies at the library who don’t even blink an eye when checking me out every erotic novel in the library’s stacks. I’d also like to thank the one guy who works at the library for finally refraining from commenting on every naughty cover of every naughty book I check out.
Okay Mom etc. You can start reading again.
I really want to thank my family and friends for all the love and support you’ve thrown my way this year. I love you all and can’t wait to share more laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, fears and of course, TMI with you.
Even though I had a ton of pain this morning I am now walking on clouds!!! Not just because I am listening to my dance music that I love so much or because listening to “Yoga Nidra” by James Jewell got me extra, pain-free sleep but because I weighed myself and even with clothes on I weighed 170lbs!!! Sorry for all the exclamation points but I am just so happy. Hopefully this lasts. I haven’t weighed myself in a couple weeks but my daughter told me two days ago that I looked like I was loosing weight and I realized yesterday that my tummy wasn’t quite so big so I decided to chance it and oh yeah, my face is thinner for a reason!!! I love you all!!! The changes I’ve made in the last month besides being gluten free include starting “Fibro Response”, a multivitamin that rocks and lowering my Lyrica to 300mg a day from 450mg and last but not least, I’ve been taking thyroid medication. I see Dr. Eckstein in Boulder, CO and he showed me a list of symptoms from low thyroid and I had almost every single one. Even though my blood tests showed normal, the symptoms matched. I am not a doctor and I can’t even begin to give medical advice but if you are not getting results from your current doctor, don’t give up hope! I still can’t get a thing done in the morning and tire too easily as well as experience pain, but there are ways of dealing. Don’t play the ostrich, be the lion. Tell your doctor what you expect and if they can’t be positive for you or offer you any kind of support besides a shrug of their shoulders, don’t take that! They work for us!
I’ll step off my soap-box now and say it again, I love you all!!! We can do it! If you are dragging your feet on meditation or deep breathing (yoga without the crazy western-style stretching), I beg of you to just try it. Yes, I did spend my morning on the couch, but I was concentrating on my breath not my pain.
PS: Google Chrome is trying to tell me that positivity is not a word. What’s up with that?
It is one o’clock in the afternoon, my blogging time. I am in ready position. Hands on the keyboard. Support under my elbows. Full of topics to blog about. Where do I start? I’ll mention the obvious. I’m already in pain and I’ve barely typed anything. It is time for me to eat lunch and take my medicine but I am going to ignore my alarm so I can get this out.
I was nominated by http://painfighter.wordpress.com for the “One Lovely Blog Award”. Thank you so much for nominating me and for reading and commenting and all the support. This blog and other bloggers are my support group, which every doctor I see and every book I read says it’s important for Fibro Fighters to have that.
I think that the rest of my post, in which I’m supposed to say seven things about myself, will be free-form and I’m sure I’ll say 7 things about me and that there is a good chance that half of those things will be TMI.
Just yesterday, I started writing in my journal again but am taking a different approach. I’ve decided to concentrate on the following:
- Make realistic goals and keep them.
- From now on, the couch is your last resort.
- Eat at the table for as long as you can.
- You have to want to get better, even if what is better is something different than what you used to be.
- There are no more excuses and no more wasted days.
I then made a separate list of my 5 realistic goals. These are things that bring me happiness and will help keep me centered. I will do these every day, whether I do anything else or not.
- You will shower every day.
- You will do dishes or laundry every day.
- You will write five positive things about yourself and your life every day.
- You will meditate or do yoga or practice some other relaxation technique every day.
- You will hug your kids and kiss your husband every day.
I then decided that I would reward myself with activities I enjoy for doing these basic things. My neighbor’s daughter has been living with fibromyalgia for 25 years. She told me not to focus on the pain. The only way I can do that is to focus on things that I can effect outside of my body. I’m not going to focus on the things that I can’t do but I am going to enjoy everything that I can. Instead of being afraid of my body, I’m going to be conscious of what my body is telling me and move on.
I’m waiting to hear from the disability company. I can’t do anything more to prove to them that I am unable to give the little time that I get during the day that is pain-free to a job. It is not that I don’t want to work, it is that I cannot. I am in constant energy-saver mode. If I do too much, I pay for it, either with pain or with fatigue.
I am done focusing on the pain and the fatigue. Yes I hurt. Yes I’m tired. But I’m alive. I’m a mother to three beautiful children and a wife to a very sexy, very supportive, uber-awesome husband. I have focused enough energy on looking back, wishing things were different and hurting for those things that I’ve lost.
Thunder is rumbling in the distance and maybe that’s why I have so many aches today but right now the sun is shining and I am looking ahead to lunch and then to picking my kids up from school and helping them with their homework. Peace out (imagine two fist-bumps to the chest and then a peace sign)!
Feeling lost today. The kids are back in school and my littlest is in preschool. What should I be doing? Now that I only have to worry about me for three days of my week, I feel like I’m not sure where to start or what to do. I’m almost panicking because I’m realizing that it is almost one o’clock in the afternoon and I haven’t done anything. In not wanting to do too much, since I need to be able to drive this afternoon to pick up the kids, I’ve ended up doing nothing! I’m freaking out about hearing people outside and wondering “What if someone rings my doorbell?” Seriously. This is what I’m freaking out about. I suddenly have all this time and I know that there are things I should be doing. What a waste of my time.
Still feel like I’m going to hyperventilate! I thought about not posting this, but since my blog is my support group it would probably help if someone (anyone?) could tell me I’m not losing my mind.
All the things I could’ve worked on today but didn’t:
Laundry-I have 4 loads to fold.
Dishes-my stove top is covered in pans because while my kids can load and un-load, me and the hubby are responsible for the heavy duty stuff.
Sewing a border on all my napkins I cut earlier this year but haven’t yet sewn the border so they unravel a little more every time I wash them. I also have about 10 things on my “Want to sew list” but every time I start one it isn’t 10 minutes before my back, hands or arms are killing me. I use a machine so how hard could it be.
Picking up all the crap that has been strewn from one end of my house to the other by my children.
Mopping the floor.
Walking the dog.
Going to walk in the warm pool.
Take a shower.
Do my “Yoga for Aches and Pains” DVD I got from the library.
These are all things that I would like to accomplish but every single one of them seems insurmountable because every time I start one, I either don’t have enough energy to finish or my pain is too great to finish.
I can do it! Even if I can’t do it, I need to just get up off my you-know-what and do it. I can do eet! Even if I don’t do that much, it is better than doing nothing.
Thanks for listening. I always feel better when I talk to you all. Maybe next time I’ll write about what is really bothering me.