Fibronaut At Home

Back(ache) in Colorado

Since I last posted, I went on a family outing to Palo Duro Canyon and then helped my youngest be a shark in the pool.  Those two things combined produced precious memories and have left me with an unbearable back ache since Sunday.  I spent my last day in Texas mostly sleeping and hanging out in my Mother-in-Law’s bed because I was in so much pain in so many places.  I read maybe one chapter on my Kindle because I kept falling asleep at the end of one page, waking up and then reading the same page.  I’d get to the bottom and realize I’d already read that part.  The pool was cold and by the time I was able to drag my baby out of the pool, I could barely stand my knees were so weak.  Whether that was from all the Jaws action or from the mini-hike (I probably did a quarter of what all the other adults did) at the canyon, I’m not sure.  I enjoyed watching everyone else having fun but I miss joining in.  It was only two years ago that I would be walking as far down the creek as I could with everybody else.  I’ve never enjoyed the caving,  but at least I’d go a little ways.  My hubby and I used to take turns playing with the baby in the kiddy pool.  Now it’s just me in the shallow end because I don’t have the energy to swim one lap and my throws of the balls are worse than my three-year-old’s.

It is now Wednesday and we are home and after posting pics of the vacay to Facebook and now typing this, my left arm wants nothing more than to be limp at my side for the rest of the day.  I am alternating my heating pad between my back and my knees.  I had enough energy yesterday to make my kids and their two cousins re-heated mac & cheese and weenies but my feet and ankles were so swollen from the 9 1/2 hours in the car on the drive from my Mother-in-Law’s house to my Mom’s house that even that took all of the energy and concentration that I didn’t have.  It’s always amazing to me how I can be hurting so bad and yet my brain doesn’t tell me to just sit down already.  I’m still trying to cook like a normal person.  I burnt my fingers three times because I kept forgetting to use the hot pads on the hot pot.  Duh!  Then we had to drive home which is another hour and a half in the car.  My hips were screaming at me by the time we got home and now I’m supposed to make ramen for the kids but all the suitcases are in front of the stove.  Thank goodness it is summer vacation for the kids so I have a ten-year-old and an eight-year-old for all my heavy lifting.  Sharp pains in my arms and hips and spasming fingers are ending this post.  Here’s to ramen noodles for lunch and whining kids doing all the chores I can’t.

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After an 8 1/2 drive we are finally in Texas.  My feet are so swollen and my knees and hips want to abandon ship.  Maybe from holding my kindle or some other unknown, my shoulders, elbows and wrists hurt.  I’m getting these come from out of nowhere pains the radiate all over my body.  For example, my thumb will hurt and a spot on the underside of my chin will hurt at the same time and it will feel like they are connected.  I’m also having really bad spasms.  I’m sitting at a desk, like I used to do every day at work, because my Mother-in-law doesn’t have wireless internet.  My right wrist and whatever fingers I happen to be using to type hurt.  When my fingers are at rest on the keys, they spasm even though I’m not telling them to move.  My left knee is hurting and I’m starting to get itching pain in my right wrist.  My left elbow refuses to be left out so I’m done here.  I think I managed 5 minutes of typing total.  Do you think someone would hire a person who can’t type more than 5 minutes and who has to lay down periodically and walk around periodically, lets say every 15 minutes?  How about someone who, after typing those 5 minutes will now have pain radiating from her finger tips to her arms and after sitting in a regular chair will have pain radiating from her hips to her knees to her ankles.  I meant to talk about my wonderful Mother-in-law and her awesome, posing dog Riley or her Chihuahua Lola who has taken to me, but I hurt to bad.  Back to the recliner, CMT (which we don’t have at home cause we can’t afford that grouping of channels) and my Dr Pepper 10 that is really yummy.  Ow!  I just got a pain that went from the left-handed side of my right hand all the way to the top of my head.  Laters Baby.

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Off the top of my head

It is 1:20 am on Thursday, May 24, 2012 and I am blogging because I can’t sleep.  My tummy has butterflies and my legs are tense.  I’ve had more pain than usual today because of the rain and more spasms because of all the excitement.  My second-grader is now a third-grader and my fourth-grader is now a fifth-grader.  I refuse to even talk about my almost-three-year-old going to preschool next year.  On top of that, I have a very dear little girl on my mind, who is once again in the hospital.  We leave tonight for Texas to visit my Mother-in-law and all my husbands siblings with their kids.  I’m excited to see my nieces and nephews but also scared because this is our first visit to Texas since my diagnosis.  Everyone here has adjusted to my disability (finally!) and I just don’t know what to expect or what will be expected of me.  Uncertainty has always been one of my biggest obstacles to overcome.  I still, before any event, big or small, imagine outcomes and while the most horrible imaginings come to me easily, positive outcomes are harder, almost impossible, to imagine for me.  I’ve gained so much weight in the last year, which makes me feel insecure enough, without adding the breakouts on my face and chest from the heat and the extra stretch marks for the afore-mentioned weight gain.  We’re supposed to go swimming, but the swim suit I bought at the beginning of the year, no longer fits.  I wish I could feel more positive about all of this and thought I had my emotions under control, but I really am just a breakdown away from disaster.  All it will take is one little thing to go wrong and I’ll be exposed for the irrational wreck that I am inside.  Spoiler Alert or maybe just TMI but my monthly visitor has not visited yet and if things continue as they’ve been, she’ll show her face on our little vacay.  I’m trying to let my hubby sleep in our bed because yesterday I woke to a closed bedroom door and my hubby on the couch because my snoring is so bad.  What if I keep up everyone in my Mother-in-law’s house?  Then we’ll all be emotional, irrational, cranky beasts!  Look out Canyon, TX!  The Gomez family is on the loose!  Now that I seem to be going into the slap-happy, TMI corner of my brain, I better sign off before I divulge any more eye-searing secrets.  Calgon!  Take me away!

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