My Social Security Disability denial came the same day as Mother Nature’s Gift. Enough said.
It’s been a crazy year. Crazy highs. Crazy lows. Lots of jaw-dropping TMI and a few fat tears. I’ve made lots of new friends, become re-acquainted with some old ones and most importantly, become re-acquainted with myself. Besides starting my blog, I’ve also had some more memorable firsts. Some were positive, like trying acupuncture, yoga, meditation, counseling, grounding and the hot amethyst crystal thingy my neighbor gave me. Some were negative, like changing doctors, filing bankruptcy and becoming a disability insurance reject. I’ve stuck with some of the positives, yoga and meditation. The things I’ve seen as negatives have taught me more about the strength of myself and my family and really aren’t as negative as I thought they would be.
I have hobbies people! I have a sewing machine, that I actually use! I get all of my Mom’s material that I desire and have begun to feed a massive re-fashion habit. I’ve always had reading but I’ve expanded my horizons this year by actually reading books that are *gasp* non-fiction. I still read all my fun books, but it’s nice to have a little variety and be able to read my book in public without blushing. I’ve been making a point to play some video games with my kids. I just can’t play the fun dancing games I used to love anymore. I love singing on Rock Band so I do that with my kiddos as much as they’ll let me. My hubby plays Call of Duty Zombies and Halo 4 with all three of my kiddos and that keeps them happy.
I’ve made goals that I actually keep. I hug and kiss and tell my family I love them every day. I shower (almost) every day. I do yoga or meditation every day. I work on some housework every day. I write in my journal every day. Some of these goals were harder than others. Some of them I slack on from time to time. The journal really kicks my butt some days. I’ve learned to be more patient with me and the people around me. Except in the morning. I will never be patient in the morning. The sooner the kids are out the door, the sooner I can take meds, eat breakfast and drink my coffee in peace and wait for those meds to kick in before I have to do anything, the better.
To my Mom and Mother-in-laws and anyone who ever changed my diaper as a child, you may want to stop reading here.
It wouldn’t be my blog if I didn’t drop some major TMI. My hubby and I have been having the most wonderful sex lately. We will have been married 13 years, this June and I just want to shout it from the mountain top that we are happily, hornily married. The worst and I mean THE WORST part of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome was not being in the mood and even when we did manage for all the stars to align, the kids to be out cold, and the bedroom door locked, not being satisfied at the end. No O. Horrible. Being able to enjoy sex again, priceless. I’d like to thank my very understanding, patient and tireless hubby. I’d also like to thank all the lovely ladies at the library who don’t even blink an eye when checking me out every erotic novel in the library’s stacks. I’d also like to thank the one guy who works at the library for finally refraining from commenting on every naughty cover of every naughty book I check out.
Okay Mom etc. You can start reading again.
I really want to thank my family and friends for all the love and support you’ve thrown my way this year. I love you all and can’t wait to share more laughs, tears, smiles, hugs, fears and of course, TMI with you.
No. Not B-O funk. And no. Not George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic funk either. Now The Black Eyed Peas song “Smells Like Funk” is stuck in my head, but that’s not what I’m writing about either. I’m in a what-am-I-good-for funk. I’m in a even-if-I-could-work-no-one-would-want-me funk. I’ve been seriously considering whether I could return to work. Not because I feel well enough to but with the hope that this new doctor I’m seeing next month will be able to kick fibromyalgia’s butt and I’ll be feeling like my old self again. As I am right now, with the spasms and pain, not to mention fatigue, I know that going back to work would be impossible. It’s funny that I think of fatigue last, when it is the biggest obstacle. It’s hard to concentrate on what you’re doing when you’re having spasms, which can be painful or when you are in pain, period. But it is near impossible to concentrate, let alone stand, when you are fatigued. I’m not talking just a little tired, although I feel tired all the time, whether I’ve slept good or not, whether I’ve taken naps or not. Fatigued means having zero energy, dizzy when standing, dozing off all day, feeling like you can’t move your arms or legs, feeling like you have a pound of bricks for brains and if your head weren’t attached, it’d go rolling off your body. I cannot remember the majority of April. Me and my three-year-old slept in till 10:30, we rarely went anywhere and I had a couple of trips to pick up my kids where I honestly felt like I might fall asleep while driving. Now that we’re into June and I haven’t had any fatigue days, just pain and spasms, I’m wondering whether I can go back to work.
All I need is an employer who’ll allow me to take naps during the day, sit in a recliner so I can keep my feet elevated, and will allow me to take any sick days I need when I’m fatigued or in too much pain to work. If the barometer is shifting, I’ll need that day off too. Also, no stress. I cannot handle any extra stress. Forget socializing, because I don’t do that. Unless you want someone with no TMI filter talking to your most important clients and board members? Don’t I sound like the ideal candidate?
So far, the only job I can come up with is stay-at-home Mom and I’m already doing that for free! I take that back. I do get paid in hugs and kisses and little kid jokes. My kids are the best and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Maybe a hot tub. I really want a hot tub. Joking! Only joking. The two older ones are pretty much self-sufficient. Unfortunately, they are masters at pushing each other’s buttons, not to mention mine. They almost make up for all the fighting, both physical and verbal, with the help they give me with the three-year-old. In August they’ll go back to school and the little one will go to preschool, then what am I going to do with myself? Will I finally be able to do my Deepak Chopra’s Leela game? I really liked it the one time I got to play it. Will I finally be able to go to the heated pool in Greeley? The drive to Greeley and back might make the exercises in the pool pointless. Right now, the majority of exercise I get involves laundry, dishes and picking up the crap everyone else leaves laying around.
So my funk continues…and that song is still stuck in my head!
It is 1:20 am on Thursday, May 24, 2012 and I am blogging because I can’t sleep. My tummy has butterflies and my legs are tense. I’ve had more pain than usual today because of the rain and more spasms because of all the excitement. My second-grader is now a third-grader and my fourth-grader is now a fifth-grader. I refuse to even talk about my almost-three-year-old going to preschool next year. On top of that, I have a very dear little girl on my mind, who is once again in the hospital. We leave tonight for Texas to visit my Mother-in-law and all my husbands siblings with their kids. I’m excited to see my nieces and nephews but also scared because this is our first visit to Texas since my diagnosis. Everyone here has adjusted to my disability (finally!) and I just don’t know what to expect or what will be expected of me. Uncertainty has always been one of my biggest obstacles to overcome. I still, before any event, big or small, imagine outcomes and while the most horrible imaginings come to me easily, positive outcomes are harder, almost impossible, to imagine for me. I’ve gained so much weight in the last year, which makes me feel insecure enough, without adding the breakouts on my face and chest from the heat and the extra stretch marks for the afore-mentioned weight gain. We’re supposed to go swimming, but the swim suit I bought at the beginning of the year, no longer fits. I wish I could feel more positive about all of this and thought I had my emotions under control, but I really am just a breakdown away from disaster. All it will take is one little thing to go wrong and I’ll be exposed for the irrational wreck that I am inside. Spoiler Alert or maybe just TMI but my monthly visitor has not visited yet and if things continue as they’ve been, she’ll show her face on our little vacay. I’m trying to let my hubby sleep in our bed because yesterday I woke to a closed bedroom door and my hubby on the couch because my snoring is so bad. What if I keep up everyone in my Mother-in-law’s house? Then we’ll all be emotional, irrational, cranky beasts! Look out Canyon, TX! The Gomez family is on the loose! Now that I seem to be going into the slap-happy, TMI corner of my brain, I better sign off before I divulge any more eye-searing secrets. Calgon! Take me away!
It is a good thing I know myself and that I set my alarm for my suboxone, otherwise I might have missed my dose for the day. So far so, so, soooo good. I say that because even though I have pain and fatigue, I don’t have the added blahs from the narcotics. I probably over-did it yesterday and I fell asleep reading in a very awkward position but I’m hopeful that today will be a magnificent repeat of yesterday (minus the headache). I did have a conversation with an acquaintance who has been down the same road recently (hers was a different drug and an addiction however) and she warned me that it wouldn’t hit me until the third day. Which I think is today? I stopped taking the oxycontin and percoset on Tuesday and today is Friday so….wait. Is today day four? I’m so confused. Wednesday would be one day, Thursday would be two days and Friday makes three. So I’m heading into day four. Aren’t you glad I took you on that little trip with me to clear that up? Welcome to Fibro-fog!
I’ve been thinking (OH NO! Anything but that!) about exploring alternative medicine. Acupuncture mostly. I have a blogger friend who does this and loves it. I’d also like to get back into the pilates that I used to do on occasion. I used to have a video, but I think I sold all my workout videos in our last All-Around-Town garage sale. The acupuncture, sadly, depends on whether insurance covers it. I’ll have to get on my library’s website to find a pilates DVD. That is the plan anyway. And, yes. I did just make that up. It is in my blog, so it must be.
In other, TMI news, I made my hubby blush with what I wrote in my blog yesterday. “You put that in your blog! Where anyone in the world can read it!” When he put it that way, I guess it was a little forward of me. However, if I’m really going to write about living with fibro, it would be remiss of me to leave out such a huge part of this “experience”. My hubby and I used to have sex all the time. And I LOVED it. Who wouldn’t? We will have been married 12 years come June and were not virgins on our wedding night. That makes 14 years of having sex with the same person. I’ll admit we started out rather awkwardly (I love that word) being both virgins, but 14 years is a lot of time to practice and with a little communication and a lot of honesty we were both very much happily satisfied. Now, we are having to relearn everything and I really mean it when I say that you cannot teach an old horn-dog new tricks! Well, you can, but it takes a lot longer than it used to. I’ve always liked a little pain with my pleasure, but this is ridiculous. It honestly feels like he has sandpaper on his Oscar-Meyer. Because of the fibro, I had to remove the IUD I had. I tried the ring, but it irritated me to the point of pain during intercourse. We thought we’d just use condoms like in the olden days of our relationship, but those irritate me even more. Nobody wants to give me even more pills to take with the ones I’m already taking and although we’ve talked about my hubby going under the knife, he is still dragging his feet due to insurance deductible issues. The pull-out method will hopefully see us through this difficult time without a pregnancy. Yes. I do realize how stupid this is. I once gave a very painful and awkward (note to self: get a thesaurus) speech on birth control in high school. I know that there are other ways to have “fun” but I already have neck and jaw spasms not to mention my over-active gag reflex. I did put TMI ALERT in all caps. I’ve already won the Fibro-Fighter Award. Maybe I can win the TMI one too.